Worthless--Wasted Life

Seven + years of relentless pain!
What a wasted life it has been!!

It is a worthless life!
The things I once had to offer the world are gone.
Due to this Monster that is consuming my body,
I can not work, therefore I have no income and my savings is gone.

I can not cook because I can not feel the temperature like a normal person.
I open the fridge or freezer and the cold cuts through me like frozen razor blades.

I can not sit in one position too long before my hips and knees SCREAM out in PAIN...I have to stand for a short while or lay down.
I can not lay in one position too long before my body SCREAMS out in PAIN... I have to keep changing positions.

The constant weather changes are hell!! My body is like a barometer... I can tell the weather is going to change about 48hrs ahead of what the weatherman is predicting... Yes, it hurts!!! The pressure pain makes my body feel as though my bones are going to explode!!!

The vibration from Thunder and loud noises (even fireworks at a distance).... OMG.... I feel every little wave with such intensity that my pain level increases 10 fold.

I would scream out in pain but no one would hear me... if they would hear me...would they be listening??

I would go to the ER with this pain but what difference would it make... I already see a doc for this pain.

Just an update

I don't want to fall asleep but I don't want to be awake, so I sleep when I can, no reason to be awake.

There is nothing for me to do, not much I can do... 24 hours of pain makes too long a day.

I don't leave the house.... unless I have to go to the doc but I've got those down to once every other month.... and an occassional "run" to the grocery store.

I'm not on the computer much... maybe a few minutes every few days...I can't read long paragraphs my eyes begin to water and the pain is so intense...razor blades sliding across my eyes.

Headaches all day long... and Stomach aches when I lay down for the night...

I'm not really eating... maybe one meal a day... and that's because someone else made it.
If I have to make something to eat... it's a lunchable or a pb&j.... maybe a bowl of cereal but only one of these for the day.

RSD is a thief...

It's been nearly 7 years since this monster moved uninvited into my life and body.

At first I tried to ignore it... ROTFLOL!!! That's NOT possible.

RSD is like a fire breathing dragon only it's breathing fire and ice!!!!

First for me it was my right foot....and with in, heck I don't even remember anymore... it seems to me that it took off like a California wildfire. First it was my legs, then jumped up torso--front and back, then arms, face, then WHAM... I can feel it in my mouth....eating something at other than room temperature will wake this monster up in 0.00 seconds flat!!!! OUCH!!! I can feel it moved down my digestive system.... not to be gross...but all of the way out!!!! Frozen pins and needles!!!

Now today... I knew it was happening but I kept denying and knew I had to have it everything else officially ruled out...but...yes...RSD has taken up home in my EYES!!! Oh the joy.... (<---sarcasm) Every blink or little turn of my eye feels like an icy--hot poker being shoved into my eyes while something else is trying to peel them apart!!!!

Eye doc says the insides of my eyes look GREAT!!! Ruled it pain caused by nerves, caused by RSD. I calmly said "thank you, at least we ruled out everything else".... he shook his head and said yes.

It's now hitting me like a baseball bat to the stomach!!! How much more of me is this monster going to take? It has taken the majority of my mobility.... my life....and now it's working on taking my sight.... how long?

I cry inside....and a little on the outside too.

Missing you.

I don't know if you read my blog.... if nothing else I hope you read just this post.

I miss you something terrible!

I am sorry I am not the kind of person you want in your life.

I wish I had seen that you didn't want me there.... I didn't know until it was too late!! I had blinders on.

Please forgive me for wanting to be a part of your life.

I know now that I pushed my way in though I promise that I didn't know it at the time.

I don't understand it myself... I only know that something about you drew me toward you.

Was it your love for life? Your love for family? Your love for our Heavenly Father? My answer is YES!!

I admire your love for all of these and more... I desired to learn from you.

I thought if I could just be around you...I might be able to be like you. To be loved like you.

I only wanted to be your friend. I wanted you to be my friend.

I can not change what has happened. I can not promise what will happen in the future.

I know that I am sorry for all of the sorrows that I have caused you.

I know that I do not deserve to be forgiven nor to be given any more chances by you.

Please know that I am truly sorry and that I will forever hold you in a special place in my heart.

I will be here "if" you ever need someone or more likely are ever down to your last straw and need someone.

I LOVE YOU and ALWAYS WILL.
I am thankful that you walked across my heart if only for a little while.

If you read this and you believe it's you... please leave me a short comment... even just an anonymous.. "got it".

Please leave me a note even if you don't think it's you... I like reading comments.

It's been a while

It's been a long while since I have posted here...

So much has happened yet everything remains the same.

I have reluctantly accepted that fact that all of the medicines I am on are a necessary evil. I don't want them but I need them so I have to take them. Do they work? Yes and No. Some I can tell a difference with but others I can't tell you if they are working or not... I don't feel any different than I did before I started taking the medicine.

I was dangled a couple of carrots of hope a few months ago but they are so far out of reach that they are not even an option and are never likely to ever reach my plate.

I have no hope for some things and less than a glimmer of hope for others. Yet I still breathe.

I wake each morning... I go through the motions... I fall asleep some time during the night just to do it all over again some time after the sun rises.

Same as below...

Nothing new...
just read below...

Pretty much sums it up...

Still tired... Still here....

Just buzzing through to let all who read here know...

That I'm...
Not sleeping much but feel like I could sleep forever.

I will try to write when life allows.