If you only had a a few weeks to live...

If you only had a few weeks to live, what would you do??

Would you tell your parents that you love them? Your children? Your family and all of your friends?

Would you spend time with friends even if it's only a few minutes each?

Would you fix that broken bridge? The one you burnt so long ago.

Would you do your best to make it to the events of all of the children in your life?

Would you be their best cheerleader or just a face in the crowd?

Would you try new foods?

Would you visit a new place or go to your favorite places?

Would you ride a bull? Jump from a plane?

Would you dance in the rain or sleep in the sun?

What would I do?

On sharing...

It's often hard for me to say what is going on with me... by this I mean... speaking the words and telling friends and family what is going on in my head... and/or how much pain I am in...physically, mentally, emotionally... or even sharing the emptiness of my soul....

Mostly, I keep things to myself... I don't want to burden anyone and I definitely do not want anyone's pity!! I also definitely do not want to hurt anyone in any way.

In the past, I opened up and let a few people know how things were going... shared or tried to share with them the darkness that I live with daily.

I found out that this was not a good thing to do... I found out that I was really hurting people and I didn't know it.... I never dreamed that by telling others about the darkness and what I was doing to end the darkness... it would hurt someone else.

I learned a long time ago to how to bottle up.... I think this is the best thing to do so that no one gets hurt by me.

I know there is one safe place for me to talk... well, mostly safe---This place could take action and send me somewhere they believe would be safe for me... I don't know. I also think there is one other place that I can talk... again... not 100% sure, but maybe it's safe.

I do write here about the darkness, voices, and my constant companion...pain. I know that if someone can't handle or doesn't want to hear what I am saying... they have the option to not look, don't read, or only read the sections they want to...

Hmmm....
Sigh.....

Hurting... body, mind, and soul.

Who knew a person could ever hurt so much?!?!

BODY
Late last night, dizziness set in... the thing that strikes me as funny and odd about this... I was laying down. Everytime I moved my head in the slightest little bit, I felt as though I were going to pass out.

Now my neck and head are hurting so much that I can barely move them at all.
My stomach is still in turmoil... tossing, turning, still very nauseated...

MIND
My thoughts are so very cluttered... voices telling me how to end the pain... all of the pain. The voices are giving me many options... I am trying not to listen but the voices are growing louder by the second.

My mind is not 100% concentrating on the physical and mental pain that are my constant compainions.... I try to think of the future.. but I don't have much if anything to offer this world, so many things I can no longer do... and the things that I can do are disappearing by the day, hour, minute, and second.

SOUL
This is an area of my life that I'm not very well acquainted... I feel like a baby bird still in the nest with little to no feathers and the wind is picking up. I keep waiting for the wind to pick up and toss the nest out. I feel as though I am in a fly or fall world. I am searching for a safe place to land but there is no where.

I find myself having a more and more difficult of a time believing...
I wonder... How?? Why?? What did I do?? What have I done?? Where am I going??

All I can say right now is... My life... it hurts.

Lonely... :(

Sitting in the dark... that's where you can find me 99.9% of the time...

Television is on but I can't tell you what program.... it stays on 24/7.
I keep it on because without it my life would be silent.

Silent, if not for the screaming in my head. Maybe I keep the television on in some sort of attempt to drown out the screams...I don't know.

Lonely.... that's an understatement. My phone it rarely rings... I have no friends who stop by and visit... My emails are packed, but mostly with junk... I delete the junk and sometimes delete other mail because I've either seen it before---I get a lot of forwarded email...often I've gotten them from more then one person... you see, my email list is mostly comprised of family members who send out bulk mails...then another family member forwards what was sent to all of us...poof, delete....it's gone.

It seems to me that mostly I am the one in a "friendship" that initiates contact... I have a few one-sided relationships... ha... 99.99999% of my relationships are this way.

I don't really "fit-in" with family or friends... I really don't expect a call, a visit, an email from anyone...

I'm sure some may read this and think... grow up and stop having a pity party... Let me say... I've gotten past the pity party stage... these things are now fact... and it's lonely.

Darkness...

Darkness surrounds.... voices are screaming...

It's hard to ingore when they are screaming louder than I.

I hear them...but won't write what they are screaming...

Toes are further over the edge....

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The knife in my back... asked who it was.. I'm not saying, I've been trying not to think about it... it still hurts a lot!!!
The knife placer(s), twister(s), digger(s) should know who they are...

Sigh...

Deleted...

Not the right time for what was here...

Being sick and having RSD...

Today is a really rough day... Here's a pic I took... It reminds me to be calm.

I don't feel well -- I have had a fever all day hovering around 101 degrees.

My stomach is rolling, tossing, and turning.... then explodes. (I'll spare the details)

I don't know whether it's the flu, the weather, stress, or just everything rolled into one... but, my body is in a huge flare!!! My feet are swollen, my joints are very painful, and every part of my body feels like it's being stuck with a million needles per inch and some how those needles have been set on FIRE!!

I can't get my mind clear... I'm still screaming...