Messed up = Me

Right now my anxiety is through the roof...

Fear of the unknown, what is going to happen, or what may or may not happen... has me freaking out!!!

I am feeling really depressed right now too... WORTHLESS, HOPELESS, Good for NOTHING, IN THE WAY.... and the list goes on and on....

At the same time I have at least a bazillion different thoughts running through my head. I feel as though my brain found a trampoline and is bouncing around doing all kinds of flips and flops...

I know this doesn't make sense... I love my family and friends... but I HATE me.... I really, really do HATE me.

I feel like I am a burden to my friends and family. I panic everytime I have to leave my room... and feel as though I am going to puke when I have to leave the house.

I remember the days when I used to get in my car and travel where ever I wanted... I loved to be on the road discovering new places and meeting new friends... those days are long gone... I panic when there are people around me that I don't know... I even panic when I'm around people I do know...

I can no longer do the things that I so loved doing... Softball, Tae Kwon Do, Aiki Jitsu, Riding a Motorcycle, Hiking in the woods, Riding my bicycle for miles and miles, and Taking long walks in the evening air.

I loved going to nieces and nephews, and friends children's ball games... football, baseball, it didn't matter... I loved watching them do whatever they were doing... Now I don't even get invited...

RSD has robbed me of so much....nearly everything I loved.

Many friends have disappeared. I know...who wants to be around someone like me.... I get it.. but it HURTS.

I sit in the dark and cry... there is nothing I can do to make this pain, ALL of this pain disappear. Well.. there is...but I made a promise that I am trying hard not to break....

Ouch, ouch, ouch...

I woke up today with severe pain in my neck.... I can look to the right and straight ahead.. but ask me to look to the left.... NO WAY... not without moving my whole body in that direction.

I must have slept in a weird position... It hurts sooooooooooo much!!!

Add this pain to my everyday RSD pain... I want to scream but don't because I don't want to scare anyone.... instead, I let the tears roll down my face.

From head to toe... my body is on fire... I call it The Cold Burning Hell of RSD.

It's been raining off and on here today... I had to go out and pick up a refill of one of my many meds... I mentioned that the raindrops felt like millions of needle hitting me... a friend made me smile when she said that all she felt was raindrops....

It's hard for me to even type... my fingers feel like they are waking up after a looooong, loooooong sleep.

Actual regenerating sleep is but a vague memory to me.... I haven't had restful sleep in many, many months.... I wake up several times during the night... I also sleep walk... this is what I've been told... Plus, I found myself standing in the middle of the kitchen a couple of nights ago... this is very scary to me... and I am SOOOOOOOOOO TIRED!!!!

I am in so much pain... physical, mental, and emotional pain... I'm tired.

Different Day...

Well... here it is... a new day....

It's often hard for me to tell one day from another.

My days all run into one...

I slept for about 3 hours last night... but I'm still in bed. I am sooooo tired.

I know... it's after 1:00pm... I am in so much pain....

Pain of all kinds... the physical is hell... severe burning... feels like bugs crawling under my skin...millions...no, billions of bugs.

My bones are feeling as though they are being twisted and are about to explode!! My feet, toes, ankles, knees, hips, fingers, hands, elbows, shoulders, neck, and jaw feel as though they are going to lock every time I have to move.

Even my earlobes hurt!!!

I have been up long enough to use the bathroom and grab a yogurt drink from my little fridge.

I have a TERRIBLY PAINFUL headache!!!! Even the light from my computer is killing my head. My migaine medicine is not making even the smallest of dents in the migraine pain....sigh.

Mentally and emotionally... forget it... I'm not functioning in that realm much at all.

I want this pain to end... ALL of this pain... physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. I don't see but one way out... one way for this pain to permanently go away.... I'm tired. Pain is my constant companion... not good company but the only company that sticks with me 100% of the time... this is one companion I could live without....

I live in this world with noncurable diseases or syndromes... this isn't living this his hell. I want to end this hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Long day... 100% pain!!

Today has been one of the longest days of my life...

It has been all I can do to just remember to eat and drink.

I have stayed in bed all day... I am hurting SOOOO much!!!

Physically, I am on fire... I feel like my body could spontaneously combust at any moment.

My bones feel like they are going to shatter...such an INTENSE bone aching pain!!

Everything I touch or touches me sends my body reeling... so VERY PAINFUL!!!

Every step I take feels as though the bones in my feet are going to break or dislocate.

I can't even comb or brush my hair.... imagine having a severe sunburn and trying to shave your legs... that is how my head feels...

Emotionally.... I'm a mess... mess is an understatement... The darkness keeps pulling me in... I hurt so much that I don't want to live like this... I wish I could end this pain.

I would end this pain if I knew that I wouldn't hurt anyone else...
I'm tired... In Pain... I'm a waste of life... taking up space... good for nothing...

Pain...

I am sitting here tonight in SEVERE pain!!!

It is all I can do to just change positions...

I was having a fairly good day... had spent some time with a dear person in my life... ate some yummy ice cream.

Just as we were getting ready to leave... my left hip joint decides that it is not going to move at all. I nearly passed out and it was all I could do to just make it to my car.... I'm glad it wasn't my right leg or I would probably still be sitting there.

My left leg is in searing fire cold burning pain!!!!!

How much more is this monster going to hand to me??? I didn't think it could get much worse..but today proved me wrong!!

I hate, hate, HATE this... I am so tired of being in pain!!!

Pain pushes me back into the darkness... it feels as though it is never going to go away... In reality... it isn't and I know this. There is no cure for anything going on in my life... to my body, my mind, or my soul.

The Full Moon....

I'm sitting here in the dark looking at the moon as it peeks through the tree in our front yard....
In a few minutes it will be completely uncovered....

I've watched it change from a reddish color to a bright white. It looks like it's nearing a full moon. The sky looks so dark from where I sit...except for the moon that is....

Ever wonder about the effects of a full moon??
I know it affects our ocean tides...

I wonder... what does it do to our bodies and minds??? Does it do anything at all?? I think it does... well, maybe.

I think the moon affects our moods.... I just wonder...what else??

One Week Later....

This has been one of the longest weeks of my life....

Not much has changed... still very scatter brained!!!

I want to crawl into a dark corner and disappear!!!

I want to run away and hide!!!

Living a life full of pain... is NOT living!!

I only exist here but I'm not sure why....

So much hope has disappeared...

Dreams are gone never to come back...

Whatever my future may bring looks pretty dim to me!!!

It's hard to keep looking forward when you're stuck!!!

I don't really look back on my life as in it's own little way, it hurts too much.

I quit looking left and right because there isn't much there either.

This isn't a pity party... it's my reality.