Confused and hurting...

I'm sitting here right now... feeling very confused, lost, and hurting.

RSD (Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy) is terrible... everything makes my body hurt.

What is RSD?? http://www.rsds.org/index2.html
Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy, is a chronic neurological syndrome characterized by: severe burning pain, pathological changes in bone and skin, tissue swelling, and extreme sensitivity to touch

The lightest of touches makes me feel as though I have the worst sunburn and whatever is touching me is made from sharp jagged pieces of glass.

Harder touches increase my pain so high that I often feel as though I am going to pass out...

RSD is also affected by stress, anxiety, and all of lifes highs and lows.

I know... it doesn't make sense. You see... RSD affects the Sympathetic Nervous System. This is the part of the nervous system that controls things we don't have control over---from the simple things like blinking to each heartbeat. It is our bodies fight or flight system.

RSD starts out as the injured part of the body sending pain signals to the brain and ends up as the brain sending pain signals to the body. My body doesn't know that the original injury site has healed.... the pain signals keep flying through my body. There is NO CURE.

Right now... I am stressed. I feel betrayed. I feel as though I have been stabbed in the back and it took me a year to discover the knife.... didn't notice it until the knife was sharply twisted this week. It amazes me and hurts deeply that the knife was placed there to begin with.... it was done by someone I have considered to be my friends. I don't understand it and not sure that I can forgive... going behind a person's back---even with the best of intentions---will still place a knife in that person's back when the truth comes out... and the truth always comes out.

I just don't get it... I just don't.
I sit here in tears trying to understand...
Sad thing is... I can't even talk to the people I would normally.

Watching God's work

It hit me late last night... since I seem to be struggling to figure out what my purpose in this life is and what God's plans for me are... that maybe I need to step back and watch God at work in my friend's and family's lives.

I know that may sound like a lazy thing to do but I caught a glimpse of something last night that I have seen with my eyes but last night I was able to witness with my heart and ears. So I took this as a sign to just step back give Him complete control and be a witness to His love.

I see how God is working in the life of a dear friend in my life.... I see how he is blessing this person with the perfect love of children placed into their life.... not born of their blood but born in their hearts. I am blessed to be able to watch the wonderful changes happening in this person's life.... It is truly an amazing thing to witness!!!

I also see how another dear friend is struggling to find her path with our Lord. I wish she could see what I see.... I see her heart changing, growing, maturing. I see the strength she is gaining in so many ways. I see her beginning to let go and let God.

God works in different ways with different people. It amazes me to see the little things he is doing all around me.

I know in His time that God will reveal his path for me, His plan for my life. Be patient he tells me. I often hear him telling me to just Be.

Being Forgetful...

I was supposed to have some more blood drawn last week but I kept forgetting until it was too late in the day to go.

You see, I can't have anything to eat for 12 hours and then I have to sit in the clinic for 3 or 4 hours while they draw blood every 30 minutes after I drink some nasty drink.

I hope to have this done sometime this week... not tomorrow as I already have a day full of appointments.... I do plan on stopping down and getting the paper work needed for the lab... I also have to talk with my doctor's nurse about some other test results that said I needed to have more tests done to determine something.... very stressful!!

I just want all of this done and all of the results back before I pull out all of my hair!!! I know it's my fault for not getting it done last week.... yes... I am a procrastinator but hey... sometimes I would rather not know....

Dreams...

Not to long ago I was asked what my dreams for the future are....

I replied... I gave up my dreams long ago. I truly have....

I remember what a couple of my dreams were.... but it's best not to dwell on them... they can never come true now.

I am trying to figure out who I am... I used to define myself by what I did for a living... I was good at my jobs... I worked hard to educate myself to fulfill the duties of each job with great success.

Now... I'm trying to figure out really... Who am I? The basics of it... I am a daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. I sometimes, am not successful at these things.

As a daughter---I try to do what is asked of me and try to do as much as I can to help my parents. (I know it may not appear this way sometimes....but I really do try) I wonder if my parents know that I LOVE THEM... and I am SO grateful for all they have done for me.

As a sister...I don't know...I try to be there for my brothers and sisters....many times it's just listening to them when they need someone to talk to. I would do anything I can do for them...I don't think they know how much they mean to me and that I LOVE them.

As an aunt....WOW... I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE all of my nieces and nephews... I would do anything that I can for them!!! I'm a taxi service---usually with a last minute call, a sitter when needed, a cheerleader when I can get there. I used to go watch my angels do whatever it is they were doing, where ever they were doing it. I miss those times.

As a friend.... well... I'm not really sure where I stand with this one. I don't have many friends...I'm not good at making friends and it seems that I am terrible when it comes to keeping them. The friends I have I am grateful for.... they have helped me through some of the roughest times of my life... some have went down a separate road---I miss them and hope that our roads will cross again somewhere in the future... some friends---our roads are crossing again and at the time seem to be running a bit parallel for which I am cherishing. I wish I could find a way that lets them know how much they mean to me and how grateful I am for all they have done for me. They truly hold a special place in my heart.

As far as my future.... I wish I had a clue. Lord...if your listening...I'd really like a clue as to what your plans for me are... I know my life is meant for something...but I feel as though I am just taking up space.

Rambling.....

Ok... the unknown keeps gettng worse...

I've been waiting on an answer for over a week now... today I thought the answer came in the mail.... but... Noooooooooooooooooo.

It's just more unknown. Now I have to contact this place and talk with this person but I still don't have any answers and the fear has taken over everything.

I haven't slept more than 15 minutes a night since Saturday night..... my mind won't shut down no matter what I do. The medicines that I take normally knock me out... at least for a couple of hours.

I don't know how long it will take to get the answers I am needing...guess I'll just have to wait.

blah, blah, blah..... time to stop rambling. Peace!

The Unknown...

I really can't say right now what is going on....but the fear of the unknown is driving me crazy.

I have been awake since early Sunday morning. I can't get my mind to shut down. I know right now that there is nothing I can do about what is going on.... yet fear is running rampant.

I find myself crying wanting to fix what is going on... but I can't... it's not something that I can fix. I don't even have the answers I am desperately wanting right now.

It's terrible to wait on a phone call when you don't even know for sure that it will come. They told you it would come...but there is still no guarantee....

I know some will tell me to call and find out.... believe me... i've thought of that....but that is not an easy thing for me to do....

Yes, I want to find out....but No... I don't.

I will post more about this...when.... right now... I'm out of words.

Wondering....

Do you ever feel like the rug is about to be pulled out from under your feet??

Right now I feel as though something is about to happen to me and I don't mean in a good way. I feel as though someone has something they want to or need to tell me but they just can't or haven't.

Have you ever made plans to do something/go somewhere, weeks in advance to only at the last possible moment have the plans canceled??

This happens to me more than I care to say.... You would think I would get used to this but no. It still hurts. I try to protect my heart by not getting my hopes up.... but I still get hurt.

Right now my heart is kind of aching though I don't know why.... I do believe it is because I am waiting for the other shoe to fall.... It always falls. (I know "always" is a strong word...but for me in this kind of situation.... the shoe does always fall.)

I understand that I am not priority to anyone.... I understand about family and friends. I know things change, people change, plans change....

I just wish when change happens that I get notified as early as possible so that I can change my plans too and not be left in the cold or holding the bag.

Ok... so the above is possibly something my brain is telling me... I hate having Bipolar.... my brain bounces around all day from happy to sad... at the extremes most often..... My fears are sometimes irrational... I know.

Speaking of friends.... it is true that I don't have many....very few to be exact. I am afraid to make friends as they tend to leave. I tend to push people away to....but I am working on this. I am afraid to let people who have stepped back from me or walked away altogether back in my life....I'm afraid to open my heart again.... I know.... They probably feel the same way..... I don't want to hurt again.... and I definitely don't want to hurt anyone.

I wish I fit in somewhere.... It is a lonely world where I am....