Woke up this morning and began crying....
I truly wished that I would take my last breath while I was sleeping.
It took me several hours to move around, get out of bed, and put on acceptable clothes. My pain levels are touching the sky....10 doesn't even begin to touch the pain I feel tonight.
I managed to put some food into my body only because both of my parents kept insisting.
I went back to my room, fell back asleep.... woke up again around 5pm.... ate a hamburger because my mom had fixed it and my dad insisted I eat.
I then went back to my room and fell asleep until about 9pm...
I'm awake now only because I am trying to fight off the sandman.... but I'm going to give in soon.
I'm so tired.... need to take my meds.... hopefully will fall asleep again soon.
My wish is still to take my last breath while I sleep....
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
Hospital...
I was asked that why...if I am in so much pain (mentally and physically)...don't I go to the hospital??
The answer is simple and complicated....
No insurance... no cash to pay for it myself... don't need the added stress of this..
What are they going to do??
Give me pain medicine? I think not!! Not when I am severely allergic to pain medicines!!
What else can they do for severe pain??? Nothing that I am aware of....
Give me medicine for my depression? I'm already on it.
Give me medicine for my manic thoughts? On it too!
Give me medicine for my anxiety?? Take that too!!
Make me talk to someone....uhm... NO! I can't just talk to anyone...that's a HUGE fear of mine.
So...basically...they are going to lock me in a room alone and won't be able to do anything for me.
I can stay at home...where people are in and out...I can take my meds as prescribed...I can make a phone call and be put in contact with someone I trust.
What would you do? Go to someplace and have to explain yourself and situation to someone who may or may not choose to believe you... OR stay at home and do what you can do until you can get into the doctor's office?? I choose the second.... I believe I will recognize an emergency situation and will go to the nearest hospital if that happens.
My choice is not what "professionals" want to hear... many think that just because I don't go to the hospital that I am not in the amount of severe pain that I feel. I was raised to not run to the hospital unless I am severely bleeding, impaled, or a bone is sticking out of my skin. I have learned to "deal" with pain out of necessity...unless one of the above was happening, I didn't even tell my parents...that was how I was raised.
The answer is simple and complicated....
No insurance... no cash to pay for it myself... don't need the added stress of this..
What are they going to do??
Give me pain medicine? I think not!! Not when I am severely allergic to pain medicines!!
What else can they do for severe pain??? Nothing that I am aware of....
Give me medicine for my depression? I'm already on it.
Give me medicine for my manic thoughts? On it too!
Give me medicine for my anxiety?? Take that too!!
Make me talk to someone....uhm... NO! I can't just talk to anyone...that's a HUGE fear of mine.
So...basically...they are going to lock me in a room alone and won't be able to do anything for me.
I can stay at home...where people are in and out...I can take my meds as prescribed...I can make a phone call and be put in contact with someone I trust.
What would you do? Go to someplace and have to explain yourself and situation to someone who may or may not choose to believe you... OR stay at home and do what you can do until you can get into the doctor's office?? I choose the second.... I believe I will recognize an emergency situation and will go to the nearest hospital if that happens.
My choice is not what "professionals" want to hear... many think that just because I don't go to the hospital that I am not in the amount of severe pain that I feel. I was raised to not run to the hospital unless I am severely bleeding, impaled, or a bone is sticking out of my skin. I have learned to "deal" with pain out of necessity...unless one of the above was happening, I didn't even tell my parents...that was how I was raised.
How?
How do you keep going when the wind has been knocked out of your sail?
How do you keep going when you keep getting knocked to the ground?
How do you find the will to keep living?
How do you win the war when you lose all of the battles?
Why would anyone want to live this way?
I'm okay with it if today is my last breath! I know where the pills are that could permanently take away this pain. I have enough patches that would do the same. I know where the razor's and knifes are... I could also tie a rope and hang. Thoughts of suicide are my constant companion!! I do know how and the plans are in my head.
What keeps me here when deep down my will to keep on going is gone? I don't want anyone to hurt because of me. That is the only reason!! I've already hurt too many, too much.
My physical pain rates about a 10 this is a constant pain. I have a severe burning sensation just from my clothes touching my skin.... Muscles cramping, bones hurt so bad they feel as though they could explode at any moment. It's hard to type this as a zillion nails and needles are jamming through my fingers.
I spend 99.9% of my life in bed. I don't go anywhere. I don't do anything. The pain is just too much.
I eat if something is easy like a cold sandwich or lunchable or if it is prepared for me. I don't cook as I can't handle the heat. I've burnt myself too many times....I am not allowed to cook as I forget that the stove or oven is on...family is afraid I will burn down the house.
I don't use glassware of any kind....I've broken too many glasses and dishes to count. My hands shake and give out for reason's not clear to me. This is why I am not allowed to wash any dishes or load the dishwasher...one to many breaks and one to many cuts.
Laundry is a task that takes hours to even days.... that is... if I can find any energy to get it done. I have piles that sit here...yes dirty but I don't care.
I can't vacuum as the vacuum is too heavy for me to move...also the vibrations increase my pain levels immensely!! It even hurts my body when someone else is running the vacuum...vibrations come through the floor and furniture... pain increases.
I'm not allowed to clean the windows as my balance is terrible and I'm shakey a lot of the time....family and friends are afraid I will fall through a window.
My legs give out too... I walk slow and deliberate holding on to walls. I'm tired of smacking my head, arms, shoulders, and other parts of my body into the walls and floor.
If I'm outside, walking into a store.... I walk slow trying to steady myself and then find the nearest power cart. This helps a little but the vibrations from the motor intensify my pain. I had a doctor ask me about a cane...I have tried but when my arms give out while using one....I fall to the floor once more.
If I have to go to the doctor or maybe to the store... I pay in increased pain for several days after.... imagine...the vibrations from your car's tires making you feel as though nails and needles are being shoved from your toes to the tip of your head. That's how I feel when I am driving or riding in a car...this is how I feel always...just varying degrees of pain at different times...
I have the burning, bone crushing, muscle cramping & spasms, needles and nails feeling 24/7 there are many things that magnify them... my own breath on my skin, a breeze blowing outside, this is even painful when it comes from the furnace or a fan, a gentle touch from family and friends. If I know someone is about to touch me I can prepare myself so that I don't jump out of my skin. It doesn't lessen the pain it actually increases it but I am prepared... as best as I can be that is.
I know that cold air hurts many... but to me it's torture, like a cold burning flame. Hot air is just the same... increased pain!!! I am most comfortable between 72 and 74 degrees. My skin turns various shades of pink, red, and purple. My legs have even looked like I had 2nd and 3rd degree burns from just the heat...no sunlight ever touched them.
I have trouble just taking care of myself... it's hard to admit and embarassing to say... bathing hurts, truly excruciating pain. So...I just don't. On the occassion that I do...I have to make sure someone is here to help me in and out of the tub.
I often do not get out of bed as I really see no need.... you see, getting out of bed means increased pain physically... and mentally I'm just burnt out, the life I once had is gone and I don't see any hope for tomorrow. This was not something I accepted lightly... but my reality is all to clear and reluctantly I am forced to accept the things that I can no longer or am no longer allowed to do.
How do you keep going when you keep getting knocked to the ground?
How do you find the will to keep living?
How do you win the war when you lose all of the battles?
Why would anyone want to live this way?
I'm okay with it if today is my last breath! I know where the pills are that could permanently take away this pain. I have enough patches that would do the same. I know where the razor's and knifes are... I could also tie a rope and hang. Thoughts of suicide are my constant companion!! I do know how and the plans are in my head.
What keeps me here when deep down my will to keep on going is gone? I don't want anyone to hurt because of me. That is the only reason!! I've already hurt too many, too much.
My physical pain rates about a 10 this is a constant pain. I have a severe burning sensation just from my clothes touching my skin.... Muscles cramping, bones hurt so bad they feel as though they could explode at any moment. It's hard to type this as a zillion nails and needles are jamming through my fingers.
I spend 99.9% of my life in bed. I don't go anywhere. I don't do anything. The pain is just too much.
I eat if something is easy like a cold sandwich or lunchable or if it is prepared for me. I don't cook as I can't handle the heat. I've burnt myself too many times....I am not allowed to cook as I forget that the stove or oven is on...family is afraid I will burn down the house.
I don't use glassware of any kind....I've broken too many glasses and dishes to count. My hands shake and give out for reason's not clear to me. This is why I am not allowed to wash any dishes or load the dishwasher...one to many breaks and one to many cuts.
Laundry is a task that takes hours to even days.... that is... if I can find any energy to get it done. I have piles that sit here...yes dirty but I don't care.
I can't vacuum as the vacuum is too heavy for me to move...also the vibrations increase my pain levels immensely!! It even hurts my body when someone else is running the vacuum...vibrations come through the floor and furniture... pain increases.
I'm not allowed to clean the windows as my balance is terrible and I'm shakey a lot of the time....family and friends are afraid I will fall through a window.
My legs give out too... I walk slow and deliberate holding on to walls. I'm tired of smacking my head, arms, shoulders, and other parts of my body into the walls and floor.
If I'm outside, walking into a store.... I walk slow trying to steady myself and then find the nearest power cart. This helps a little but the vibrations from the motor intensify my pain. I had a doctor ask me about a cane...I have tried but when my arms give out while using one....I fall to the floor once more.
If I have to go to the doctor or maybe to the store... I pay in increased pain for several days after.... imagine...the vibrations from your car's tires making you feel as though nails and needles are being shoved from your toes to the tip of your head. That's how I feel when I am driving or riding in a car...this is how I feel always...just varying degrees of pain at different times...
I have the burning, bone crushing, muscle cramping & spasms, needles and nails feeling 24/7 there are many things that magnify them... my own breath on my skin, a breeze blowing outside, this is even painful when it comes from the furnace or a fan, a gentle touch from family and friends. If I know someone is about to touch me I can prepare myself so that I don't jump out of my skin. It doesn't lessen the pain it actually increases it but I am prepared... as best as I can be that is.
I know that cold air hurts many... but to me it's torture, like a cold burning flame. Hot air is just the same... increased pain!!! I am most comfortable between 72 and 74 degrees. My skin turns various shades of pink, red, and purple. My legs have even looked like I had 2nd and 3rd degree burns from just the heat...no sunlight ever touched them.
I have trouble just taking care of myself... it's hard to admit and embarassing to say... bathing hurts, truly excruciating pain. So...I just don't. On the occassion that I do...I have to make sure someone is here to help me in and out of the tub.
I often do not get out of bed as I really see no need.... you see, getting out of bed means increased pain physically... and mentally I'm just burnt out, the life I once had is gone and I don't see any hope for tomorrow. This was not something I accepted lightly... but my reality is all to clear and reluctantly I am forced to accept the things that I can no longer or am no longer allowed to do.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Say what?
The full moon is moving across the cold night air. Winter must be on it's way in.... Not a tweet from a bird nor a chirp from a bug can be heard. Only the whistle of a distant train.
I often wonder where the train is headed and what sights it is about to see....
I long to be sitting on a beach watching the waves roll in and out or Maybe on a hill top looking at the city lights or spending time with someone who cares.
The train rumbles on by to locations unknown.... I sit alone.
I often wonder where the train is headed and what sights it is about to see....
I long to be sitting on a beach watching the waves roll in and out or Maybe on a hill top looking at the city lights or spending time with someone who cares.
The train rumbles on by to locations unknown.... I sit alone.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Rambling
Alas another day's gone by, just another hash mark on the calendar. This is figuratively speaking as my calendar still says "June". I haven't changed the calendar pages as there really is no need.
My life ticks away the time with nothing to show for it. There is no need to change the pages of my calendar for I have no plans, nothing to do, no where you go, no one to meet with.
I wake up more tired than when I fell asleep. I take care of the little things that need to be done and then I'm back in bed. I spend 22-23 hours a day in bed. I have no energy, no will, my get up and go, got up and left.
I hurt more every day. I never thought it would be possible to hurt more than I did yesterday...let me say that I was wrong. I feel as though my bones are going to explode, each step feels as though my feet are going to crumble. The pain is beyond measure. Constant muscle cramping, spasms, twitching somewhere in my body. My skin feels as though I have been doused with something flammable and something lit the flames. No matter what I do, or what I try, I can not find anything that lessens or eases the pain that is my constant companion.
My pain is not just physical... I fear a mental breakdown... I try to be strong as I can only to watch my life passing by....a roller coaster of emotions that has no brakes...the cart is bound to go off track sometime. One moment I feel like Wonder Woman on speed with no fears or boundaries... the next I feel as though I'm the substance that is lower than pond scum....no hope of a better tomorrow.
Friends have come and gone.... I don't blame them... I'm no longer the person they met and liked enough to call me friend. I am now someone they used to know or someone they used to be friends with...somedays I understand, other days I don't.
My life ticks away the time with nothing to show for it. There is no need to change the pages of my calendar for I have no plans, nothing to do, no where you go, no one to meet with.
I wake up more tired than when I fell asleep. I take care of the little things that need to be done and then I'm back in bed. I spend 22-23 hours a day in bed. I have no energy, no will, my get up and go, got up and left.
I hurt more every day. I never thought it would be possible to hurt more than I did yesterday...let me say that I was wrong. I feel as though my bones are going to explode, each step feels as though my feet are going to crumble. The pain is beyond measure. Constant muscle cramping, spasms, twitching somewhere in my body. My skin feels as though I have been doused with something flammable and something lit the flames. No matter what I do, or what I try, I can not find anything that lessens or eases the pain that is my constant companion.
My pain is not just physical... I fear a mental breakdown... I try to be strong as I can only to watch my life passing by....a roller coaster of emotions that has no brakes...the cart is bound to go off track sometime. One moment I feel like Wonder Woman on speed with no fears or boundaries... the next I feel as though I'm the substance that is lower than pond scum....no hope of a better tomorrow.
Friends have come and gone.... I don't blame them... I'm no longer the person they met and liked enough to call me friend. I am now someone they used to know or someone they used to be friends with...somedays I understand, other days I don't.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Update...
I look at other blogs and think... wow, they don't update very much then I look at mine and I'm just as bad!!
The last month or so has been very difficult for me... I'm writing out what I can but I want NO sympathy....
Feelings, emotions, thoughts, fears, and such I've blocked them. Built up walls and shut down inside.
Why? I'm tired. Tired of hurting, tired of being lonely, tired of wishing, tired of dreaming, tired of constant pain, tired of living.
Hopeless... yes, my life is going no where and my hopes and dreams have all but disappeared. I don't even remember what they were any more.
Worthless... yes, I have nothing to offer this world anymore... I just taking up space.
Useless... yes, I can't even help anyone with anything. Even helping myself is beginning to be beyond my grasp.
These are my feelings... no matter right nor wrong... they are how I feel.
The last month or so has been very difficult for me... I'm writing out what I can but I want NO sympathy....
Feelings, emotions, thoughts, fears, and such I've blocked them. Built up walls and shut down inside.
Why? I'm tired. Tired of hurting, tired of being lonely, tired of wishing, tired of dreaming, tired of constant pain, tired of living.
Hopeless... yes, my life is going no where and my hopes and dreams have all but disappeared. I don't even remember what they were any more.
Worthless... yes, I have nothing to offer this world anymore... I just taking up space.
Useless... yes, I can't even help anyone with anything. Even helping myself is beginning to be beyond my grasp.
These are my feelings... no matter right nor wrong... they are how I feel.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Aggravated...
I am so aggravated today...
I've done everything that I am supposed to...
Turned in everything requested and within the time limit...
Everything is so hurry, hurry... which I did.
NOW...everything is at a DEAD STOP!
I can't reach a human on the phone...voicemail's left.
Voicemail's unanswered...
I have no idea which way to turn... this is NOT good!!
I can only continue to call...leave messages...
Hoping that being a squeaky wheel will get greased soon.
Hoping that by doing so doesn't push me down on the list of things to do...
I've done everything that I am supposed to...
Turned in everything requested and within the time limit...
Everything is so hurry, hurry... which I did.
NOW...everything is at a DEAD STOP!
I can't reach a human on the phone...voicemail's left.
Voicemail's unanswered...
I have no idea which way to turn... this is NOT good!!
I can only continue to call...leave messages...
Hoping that being a squeaky wheel will get greased soon.
Hoping that by doing so doesn't push me down on the list of things to do...
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