Emptiness

There's an emptiness that surrounds me...

Void of happiness, love, joy, faith, laughter, hope, and light.

I spend most of my time in this place... 99.9999% is here..in the dark.

I can't say that I like it here...but I can't say that I don't either... It is what it is.

No one to lean on... I wouldn't even if there was...

I've leaned too hard, depended to much, just to be accepted.... to feel wanted.

It took me a long time to see all of this... and it opened my eyes when I realized that I wasn't and haven't really been accepted nor wanted.... I was intruding on others lifes.

I never want to be the person that others "let" into their lifes only because they feel sorry for them... I believe that this is what has been happening... It hurts because I didn't know this sooner... I just didn't know. I let my guard down.

Now that I know.. the walls are back up, bigger and hopefully stronger than before... I never want to let them down again... tears flow as yes all of this hurts...

It's hard when I already knew I was a loser, a waste of life, no good... I tried to ignore my feelings, my thoughts... but it's painfully obvious...that all along I was right about me.

Changes...

I find it amazing how things in life can change so fast!!!

I've lost that calmer feeling that I had going earlier in the day...

Like a ball bat to the back of my head, or running face first into a brick wall.. reality hit me.

Can people really be friends and never see each other? Only talking via email once in a while or keeping up via one of the social networks??

I'm beginning to believe that if this is the case... people are more likely friendly acquaintances rather than friends.

I discovered today that I can count my true friends on less than a few fingers.... I never had more than a handful...but to realize it really is far less than that... it hurts my heart... and leaves an empty feeling in me.

I've been crying pretty much all afternoon and fighting back some very dark thoughts... Vomiting because reality is painful.... or maybe it's just because I've been crying... I don't know.

It's hard to feel alive when spending time alone because no one wants you in their life.

I'm beginning to close another door... but it hurts so much... part of me wants to leave the door a little open...but knowing that mostly likely the only thing to come through that door will be more pain.

I can't take any more pain in my life!!! My reality tells me that I will have to...but I don't want to.

How do you say goodbye... and just walk away??? How do you leave those times behind??
Can I just let it go? Baby steps...one moment at a time... slowly letting go.

Calmer today

I am calmer today in some aspects....but NOT calm in my life.

I have become a person who wants to jump from A to Z with out ever stopping to just B.

I want the pain to end... I'm tired and mostly feeling like I am losing grip on my life.

No more worries about getting the dreaded handicap placard.
Solution found. (Thank you!)

I wish I were able to really sleep... I keep waking up every 30 to 45 minutes...
Most of the time I am awake for hours in between...
Sometimes my eyes are only open for moments.. look at the time, change the channel on the tv..then I close my eyes and lay there trying to fade back into sleep.

Some would tell me to turn off the tv... I have tried this but I only end up having nightmares...BAD ones.

Even when I am sleeping... I can hear everything that is going on around me... any movement in the house and any little noise outside.

My physical pain is through the roof!!!
Mentally and emotionally.... I feel like I am falling off a mountain with no end in sight.

Impatient!

Seems to me that I am very impatient today!!!

I am running out of days to get my handicap placard renewed.

A simple signature from a doctor stating that I am permanently disabled... which I am...and was four years ago when I got the first placard...it's only gotten worse since then.

I've called a couple of former doctors, left messages with the simple question of "Can you help?".

I've gotten no return calls, emails, messages.
I hate calling anywhere anyway!! My anxiety has shot through the roof!!!

My stomach is in knots.... if I vomit any more... there will be nothing left in me.

I still have no answers and don't know where to turn.

I guess I am stuck in the HURRY UP!!! No! Wait!!! mode.

Why is no one able to help me find a simple answer in a hurry...

geez... I feel like pulling my hair out and screaming at the top of my lungs!!

I only need a yes, we can help. I'm not even being told no...
I'm just not getting any answers at all!

Monday again

It's Monday again... some people hate this day... to me it's just another day.

I still haven't changed the month on my calendar since -- June.

I can't bring myself to do so... time is passing by so fast and I'm caught in the whirlwind of it all.

Hurry up! No Wait!!!

My life is going nowhere while waiting for others to do what they have to do...

I can't get on with my life while I am waiting on these others... road blocks placed in my life that I can't climb over or around... so... I'm sitting here waiting some where along this broken road.

I just want it all to end!!!!!! The wait, the pain, the whirlwind of my life's destruction.

This morning

I woke this morning more tired than yesterday...

I didn't really sleep much just bits and pieces here and there.

I recall having dreams that made me uneasy...but now can't remember what or why.

My eyelids are so heavy, my brain a jumble of mixed up, messed up thoughts.

My fingers type words that my brain is not thinking.

I want to lay back down but responsibilities beacon... if only I can find the strength.
Laundry, dishes, pick up my room.

This life I'm living is not much of a life... too much pain zapping my energy, my strength, my spirit, and my soul.

Still tired... Still here....

It's been a while since I have blogged anything...

I have no real reason other than I am extremely tired.

I sleep a little but then am WIDE AWAKE after a short while...maybe 45 minutes.

I do manage, eventually, to fall back to sleep... only to wake again shortly...

I wonder if I will ever get any restful sleep again...

The medicines I've been on have been changed... Are the new ones working??
Hard to say... I only know that I am more tired, more panicked feeling,
hurt more and more every day.

When it's time to lay my head down... no matter what the time... I get all panicked...
I don't know what it is but I am afraid to fall asleep. Even taking a nap scares me.

I'm not only physically tired...but mentally and emotionally completely exhausted too. I have NO energy for anything.

I'm tired... I want it ALL to end!!!!!!!!!!!!