Emptiness

There's an emptiness that surrounds me...

Void of happiness, love, joy, faith, laughter, hope, and light.

I spend most of my time in this place... 99.9999% is here..in the dark.

I can't say that I like it here...but I can't say that I don't either... It is what it is.

No one to lean on... I wouldn't even if there was...

I've leaned too hard, depended to much, just to be accepted.... to feel wanted.

It took me a long time to see all of this... and it opened my eyes when I realized that I wasn't and haven't really been accepted nor wanted.... I was intruding on others lifes.

I never want to be the person that others "let" into their lifes only because they feel sorry for them... I believe that this is what has been happening... It hurts because I didn't know this sooner... I just didn't know. I let my guard down.

Now that I know.. the walls are back up, bigger and hopefully stronger than before... I never want to let them down again... tears flow as yes all of this hurts...

It's hard when I already knew I was a loser, a waste of life, no good... I tried to ignore my feelings, my thoughts... but it's painfully obvious...that all along I was right about me.

Changes...

I find it amazing how things in life can change so fast!!!

I've lost that calmer feeling that I had going earlier in the day...

Like a ball bat to the back of my head, or running face first into a brick wall.. reality hit me.

Can people really be friends and never see each other? Only talking via email once in a while or keeping up via one of the social networks??

I'm beginning to believe that if this is the case... people are more likely friendly acquaintances rather than friends.

I discovered today that I can count my true friends on less than a few fingers.... I never had more than a handful...but to realize it really is far less than that... it hurts my heart... and leaves an empty feeling in me.

I've been crying pretty much all afternoon and fighting back some very dark thoughts... Vomiting because reality is painful.... or maybe it's just because I've been crying... I don't know.

It's hard to feel alive when spending time alone because no one wants you in their life.

I'm beginning to close another door... but it hurts so much... part of me wants to leave the door a little open...but knowing that mostly likely the only thing to come through that door will be more pain.

I can't take any more pain in my life!!! My reality tells me that I will have to...but I don't want to.

How do you say goodbye... and just walk away??? How do you leave those times behind??
Can I just let it go? Baby steps...one moment at a time... slowly letting go.

Calmer today

I am calmer today in some aspects....but NOT calm in my life.

I have become a person who wants to jump from A to Z with out ever stopping to just B.

I want the pain to end... I'm tired and mostly feeling like I am losing grip on my life.

No more worries about getting the dreaded handicap placard.
Solution found. (Thank you!)

I wish I were able to really sleep... I keep waking up every 30 to 45 minutes...
Most of the time I am awake for hours in between...
Sometimes my eyes are only open for moments.. look at the time, change the channel on the tv..then I close my eyes and lay there trying to fade back into sleep.

Some would tell me to turn off the tv... I have tried this but I only end up having nightmares...BAD ones.

Even when I am sleeping... I can hear everything that is going on around me... any movement in the house and any little noise outside.

My physical pain is through the roof!!!
Mentally and emotionally.... I feel like I am falling off a mountain with no end in sight.

Impatient!

Seems to me that I am very impatient today!!!

I am running out of days to get my handicap placard renewed.

A simple signature from a doctor stating that I am permanently disabled... which I am...and was four years ago when I got the first placard...it's only gotten worse since then.

I've called a couple of former doctors, left messages with the simple question of "Can you help?".

I've gotten no return calls, emails, messages.
I hate calling anywhere anyway!! My anxiety has shot through the roof!!!

My stomach is in knots.... if I vomit any more... there will be nothing left in me.

I still have no answers and don't know where to turn.

I guess I am stuck in the HURRY UP!!! No! Wait!!! mode.

Why is no one able to help me find a simple answer in a hurry...

geez... I feel like pulling my hair out and screaming at the top of my lungs!!

I only need a yes, we can help. I'm not even being told no...
I'm just not getting any answers at all!

Monday again

It's Monday again... some people hate this day... to me it's just another day.

I still haven't changed the month on my calendar since -- June.

I can't bring myself to do so... time is passing by so fast and I'm caught in the whirlwind of it all.

Hurry up! No Wait!!!

My life is going nowhere while waiting for others to do what they have to do...

I can't get on with my life while I am waiting on these others... road blocks placed in my life that I can't climb over or around... so... I'm sitting here waiting some where along this broken road.

I just want it all to end!!!!!! The wait, the pain, the whirlwind of my life's destruction.

This morning

I woke this morning more tired than yesterday...

I didn't really sleep much just bits and pieces here and there.

I recall having dreams that made me uneasy...but now can't remember what or why.

My eyelids are so heavy, my brain a jumble of mixed up, messed up thoughts.

My fingers type words that my brain is not thinking.

I want to lay back down but responsibilities beacon... if only I can find the strength.
Laundry, dishes, pick up my room.

This life I'm living is not much of a life... too much pain zapping my energy, my strength, my spirit, and my soul.

Still tired... Still here....

It's been a while since I have blogged anything...

I have no real reason other than I am extremely tired.

I sleep a little but then am WIDE AWAKE after a short while...maybe 45 minutes.

I do manage, eventually, to fall back to sleep... only to wake again shortly...

I wonder if I will ever get any restful sleep again...

The medicines I've been on have been changed... Are the new ones working??
Hard to say... I only know that I am more tired, more panicked feeling,
hurt more and more every day.

When it's time to lay my head down... no matter what the time... I get all panicked...
I don't know what it is but I am afraid to fall asleep. Even taking a nap scares me.

I'm not only physically tired...but mentally and emotionally completely exhausted too. I have NO energy for anything.

I'm tired... I want it ALL to end!!!!!!!!!!!!

Boring Life

What a boring life I live...

I rarely leave my house...
I rarely am able... due to pain and fear.

I often stay in my room...
Pain forces me to stay in bed most of the time.

Television is on...
What the show is... I have NO clue. I hear it... I watch it...but can't tell you what it is or what is going on.

Telephone and Cell rarely ring...
I don't answer the house phone because I rarely hear it.
Cell phone ringer is off when I don't feel good---which is most of the time.
I'm more likely to answer with a text if that is possible... talking on the phone really does make me very nervous...even when I have known the person for years.

Internet....
I have a couple of sites I look at but usually I'm on no longer than 5 to 10 minutes...

Books...
Still have 4 to read... haven't even looked at them lately.

Newspaper...
Get it off the mailbox in the morning... maybe glance through it before the end of the day... mostly though it's sitting in a pile near my dad's chair.

Eating...
Whatever is easy... I don't cook because everytime I do... I drop something, burn something--including myself, I break something... If it can be messed up in the kitchen... It's happened to me...way too frequently.

Some say life's what you make it... to a degree I say this is true... on the opposite side of the coin, sometimes life is what's handed to you whether you like it or not.

I can't change what happened to me. I can only deal with it the best I can...It's hard when I can't fix what is broken...no human nor medicines can. I'm broken in more ways than one. I'm not complaining... I accept the hand I have been dealt but it doesn't mean I approve of it.

I HATE.... ME!!!!

For the first time in a long time I took a good long hard look at myself in the mirror.

I didn't like one single thing that I saw.

I am WAY WAY WAY too much overweight!! FAT FAT FAT!!!!!!!!!

Hair is turning grey... it's longer now than it has been in well...ever.
I'm not really sure how I feel about this... It never really looks nice.

My skin is all red/purple blotchy looking... The other day while talking with a friend I noticed the palms of my hands were RED HOT and the backs of my hands were ICE COLD!

My eyes look so empty to me... like no one is home.
I now have to wear glasses all the time if I want to see any kind of detail.

My teeth are pretty yellow from years of drinking tea, coffee, and sodas... YUCK!! I brush them and floss them at least 3 times a day... the yellow just doesn't fade away... :0(

My legs have been stuffed with tons of cottage cheese.... nasty fatty legs...thigh area mainly.

My stomach has a double keg.... I remember when it was a six pack...

I HATE to see pictures of me... NASTY!

It's hard to look what is inside of me when I HATE what I can see.

VMA's tribute to Michael Jackson

I just watched the opening of the MTV VMA's...

What a touching way to open the show... Madonna told of the private friend side of MJ. Who are we to decide if the stories of his life, what he may or may not have done... That's between God and him.

It was truly amazing to me to see the faces of the "stars" and their visible feelings for MJ.

The dancers, a tribute to the King of Pop... justifiably, beautifully, amazingly, I am in awe.

Then Janet coming out and dancing with MJ who was larger than life on video.

I have loved MJ's music and dance skills since I was a young child. I remember, seeing the Jackson 5 at the State Fair... I can remember them pulling into the stage area in black limos, stage lights flashing... I would have to ask my parents but I believe this was one of my first concerts... I think I was about 5yrs old... maybe 6.

I know all the lyrics and sing along at the top of my lungs when no one is around. I wanted to, but never mastered the moon walk. I can do parts of Thriller dance... parts.

Rest in Peace MJ... May you now get to experience the childhood that was never yours. Your music will live on for generations.

Alone

Home alone...
The cruisers are leaving, headed to warmer ports...
Phone calls from the deck, the party people are ordering drinks...
One last check in to make sure I'm okay...
I send them off with an I'm okay, have fun, and be safe...

Couple of appointments this week...
Will do my best to keep them...
Don't want to leave...
Need to leave...
Some things can no longer be put off for another day...
Been waiting here longer than promised...

Filled with emptiness, lonely, truly all alone.

Same old same

Went to sleep some time after the five o'clock hour.

Woke up just before the seven o'clock hour.

It took me a while to get out of bed but finally got up to let the dog out and fed.

I had to feed myself too... Looked around the fridge and cabinets... nothing looked good.
I finally decided to eat the leftovers from last night....Chinese food for breakfast. Let me say that I DO NOT recommend chicken and broccoli for breakfast.

Still surrounded in darkness....though looking out the window, the sun is shining bright. So many thoughts circling my soul, stirring up the dark shadows that live within me.

I keep reminding myself to breathe...just to breathe can be a heavy burden to bare. What is normally an effortless, natural thing our bodies do..to breathe. Sometimes, many times, to me breathing is something for which I have to concentrate. I find myself struggling as if the air is so thick that I can not swallow. An invisible lump in my throat.

I'm so very tired and I have muscles twitching in places that I didn't know muscles could twitch.
My face, specifically the muscles around my right eye are twitching so fast that it looks like I am winking.

I have deep, bone wrenching pain coursing through my feet, legs, arms, and hands. I feel as though a fiery, ice pick is being shoved through my bones. Feel like they could explode...not as if they were a fine china about to break but more like thick fallen tree branch being snapped in two by someone jumping up and down upon the strong part waiting for the weak part to give way.

I'm looking for answers to things for which I have no questions.

Bad day...

Bad day... really bad... No one home, No one to talk to... trying to weigh out my options. It was and continues to be a huge battle for me tonight.

Decided to leave the house, maybe find something for dinner...

As I was pulling my car out of the garage after a commercial aired... a song came on the radio and all I could do was sob....

Song: I Saw God Today ~~ George Strait.

I drove around in circles... going no where, no one to talk with when I got there. After this song played I couldn't tell what else played as I drove around... was gone for about an hour...

I ended up getting Chinese food because it was easy in, easy out... only said enough to order it to go.. nothing fancy...just chicken and broccoli with enough leftovers to last me a couple more meals.

I need to go to the grocery... need milk. The thought of going to the store alone scares me beyond measure.

Oh...the "thoughts" haven't left... they stayed with me on my drive, joined me for dinner, and sits with me now, in the dark.

I wish tomorrow would disappear... wish I could disappear...

So tired...

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so tired and I HURT so much.

I can't get any rest and no relief for the pain...

I'm going back to bed....

Messed up ramblings

I want to run away and disappear into the darkness that surrounds.
I have many thoughts running through my head right now so if this goes astray please understand... my thoughts don't make much sense to me so I'm sure they may not make much sense to you.

I feel so very alone. I have no one to talk with, no one to spend a day with, I feel as if I were to disappear that it would take a long time for any one to notice if they noticed at all.

As I have said before, I don't have many friends...friends by definition that is... I'm becoming more aware of acquaintances... those I have a few....I think. I'm still trying to figure out "friend" and how I fit into that role...

With so much going on, or really it's so little in my life... I have been trying to remember to tell those people who have helped me and those I care about how I feel.

If I tell you I love you it's because I really do... Not in love... just love you as a person and I am more than grateful to have you in my life.

I know there are people in my life that God has put there for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. The lifetime one is hard for me to wrap my head around... it's a personal doubt thing for me...as I have had many people disappear that I thought would be in my life forever... I guess maybe for me there is no such thing.

So, if you have crossed my path, walked along beside me for a while, or maybe you are still walking with me...Thank you. Know that whether our connection was for the good or maybe for the bad...my heart appreciates you, for you have taught me a lesson I needed to learn.

My physical pain levels remain very high tonight... my mental/emotional pain levels are following close behind. I have wanted to sleep all day and wish the world away.

Pain

Intense pain worse than any that I have ever felt before.

I know I over did it today... way to much... I need to learn to pace myself...or maybe learn to say no. Then again...I rarely get asked to do anything it just happened that the one time I get asked...it all fell on the same day.

My feet and legs are the worst... swollen, purple, and burning so bad it feels as though my skin is about to split.

The rest of my body feels as though I've been standing under a lighter fluid shower and someone just tossed in a match.

My muscles are cramping so tight that I am finding no relief from my usual things.

Even my facial muscles are so tight that even a moist heating pad isn't working.

Time to log off... can barely keep my eyes open.

Been a while

It's been a while since I've written anything...

I haven't had much to say as nothing interesting has been going on.

My typical day...
Wake up, get up, clean up, eat, watch a little tv but don't ask me what I have watched as it is mainly background noise.

Background noise for what... nothing... it's just something to break the silence in the house.

I have 4 books to read of which two have been started. I'm halfway through one and about a chapter into a second and haven't even opened up the other two.

Many days I am so tired but can not sleep and am completely unrested.

Thoughts bounce through my head... things I need to do, things I'd like to do, and a ton of nonsense.

I rarely leave the house and many times stay in my room. I don't have any reason to leave, no where to go... and that's ok.

I've been in the process of changing meds for a few weeks... scaling down on one while increasing another. Is it working?? I can't tell any difference with what it is supposed to help... I only know that the burning, stinging, ice cold pain feelings are getting worse. I could never imagine a pain like this.

I spend a lot of time thinking of my family and friends and praying for their dreams to come true. Even if we don't talk... they are often on my mind. I may not spend much time with them but I love to hear what everyone is doing... sports, school, work, travel, everything!

Well... my hands are telling me to STOP... so I will listen and not push it today.

Love and hugs to all who read here!!!