One more thing...

One more thing...

IF you read this blog... please let me know.

All you have to do is leave a comment..

Thanks.

I am the only one who has looked at this blog in days... this I am positive.
If by chance you do read here... you are welcome to leave a comment.
(I don't post all comments but I do read them)

Hurting heart

My heart is hurting so much...

Tears are running down my face.

Anyone know what it's like to feel truly lonely? I do. :o(

I tried to keep up, never wanting to intrude, on what is going on with those few who stayed in my heart...

The last link was cut tonight... poof! gone.

The only thing left is to shut the rest of my heart down... so it doesn't hurt any more.

I have no reason to keep going now... "friends" have all gone.
(If I had only known...)

Torture

This heat is torture...
Can't even bare to go outside.

This a/c is torture...
Can't handle being inside.

Can't sit for more than a few minutes...
My hips, legs, feet, and back feel like they are going to explode.

Cant' lay down for long...
EVERYTHING that is touching ANYTHING, HURTS WORSE THAN ANYTHING I HAVE EVER FELT!!!!

Can't even begin to describe how I am feeling mentally/emotionally.
Guess I will just leave it as TORTURED HELL.

Long goodbye.

An empty life is all that surrounds me....

No joy, no love, no laughter...

Only tears, fears, and loneliness...

No promise, no glimpse, or glimmer of hope for a brighter tomorrow.

My heart has already said many goodbyes, my voice has said a few.

I fall asleep each night and want to never awake.

Everytime that I drive somewhere I wait and want for someone to cross that center line... take me out in it's path.

I don't want to hurt anyone...this is the reason for my long goodbye.

Bridges to jump off.

There's a bridge I cross at least twice a week,

It spans the interstate... I slow and look longingly as I pass, the fall would be swift and if timed right there would be no pain.

There is also a second bridge just a few feet away that crosses a swiftly moving creek... it's tall enough and would probably break a few bones before sucking me under and taking me down stream.

There are many other ways that I hold in my mind... these are just two that constantly cross my mind.

Pain is worse today.... no ease in many, many days.

I feel.

I feel.......

The noose around my neck...

The razor running along my wrist...

The pills melting down my throat....



I haven't done these...

Yet wanting to.... to end the pain.

Who?

I don't know who you are though I've heard your name and I've listened to stories.

You have a book that I've only just skimmed through.

I've seen a movie about your "passion" but it left me with more questions than answers.

I've listened to music that speaks of your praises... it sometimes brings tears to my eyes.

Who are you? Are you really real?

I can't help but doubt as my life rages with pain.

Hugs for a friend.

You are on my heart today and running through my mind.

I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling or what you might be thinking.

I can understand your sadness and your fears.

Be strong my "friend" and hold on tight to those you love.

Let those who love you do just that and remember to just breathe.

I hold you in my heart and lift you up in prayer.

May the time pass swiftly and normal return soon.

If I tell you...

If I tell you or have told you...that I love you, please don't take it wrong...

I tell you I love you because I do and I want you to know just that.

I don't know if I will make it to tomorrow... and I don't want to leave without you knowing.

I Couldn't do a thing :o(

I saw the tears rolling down your face.
I heard the sadness in your voice.
I couldn't say much of anything...
I could say nothing that would comfort you.


When I could...
I did reach out and hug you...And told you that I love you.
My heart, still wishing that, somehow, I could do more.


I said goodbye and tried not to look back as I pulled away.
I turned up my radio and put my foot to the floor...
I had to get away fast as my heart could not bare to see you in pain.

Fears and Anxiety

Little things cause me great fear... Great fears cause me to do things that are not completely understandable by anyone...even me.

Even things out of my control or that don't have anything to do with me at all.

I always have great anxiety until something that is supposed to, or might happen... Happens.

I can't help it... I question everything, I doubt everything... even if I don't ever speak a word of my apprehensions out loud.

My mind goes a million different directions at a million miles a second, if that is possible.

My stomach often feels as though it is eating it's self to bits.

Don't worry.... I understand.

Struggling with major confusion and too much anxiety.

***Content deleted because the above line says it all...***

Why

Went for a drive in the dark...
Very windy and pouring rain at times.

Stopped at a drive thru for something to drink.
Not really thirsty just something different to do.

Nothing much on the radio... even listened to
a bit of the end of a race.

Time for a CD.... haven't changed the one in the player
for a couple of years now..

Decided to listen to the newest Rascal Flatts CD.
It has many good songs... but the last one... it sticks
in my head and says so very much.

Why <-----that's the name of the song. If you haven't heard it... it really is worth the listen.

http://www.cmt.com/videos/rascal-flatts/469206/why.jhtml


Because I'm guessing... You know someone who is suicidal or knew of someone who committed suicide.... this song could be about them.


Did you know.... That every 40 seconds someone commits suicide... leaving someone that asks... Why?


There is a line near the end of the song that says... Who told you life wasn't worth the fight? This line hits me pretty hard as each day I feel life is not worth the fight.


No one has told me that life is worth the fight. If you have and you can find it in you to tell me again... PLEASE DO. Because...I do not remember and I do not see that it is worth the fight.


I have had someone tell me that they don't want me around their family as they don't want their children to ever think or feel that life is not worth the fight (I have stayed away)....but they never explained to me the reason why life is worth the fight.


I can say that as a person who lives with constant suicidal thoughts... IT IS IMPOSSIBLE to see the BRIGHTEST of lights through the IMMENSE DARKNESS!!!


I don't know if there is anything that anyone can say or do to help a person who is considering suicide...


Saying something may or may not help. Words often add to the confusion to someone wanting to commit suicide as they are already dealing with many, many words and often voices in their head.


Spending time with someone who is wanting to commit suicide, even though it is hard for you, may be the best thing you can do to help them.


You may even have to take them to the hospital...but stay with them until they feel safe. Odds are...the suicidal person will do everything they can to get out of there...If they are asked what they want to do....they know the words to say so they can go home.


Hearing that you care is good and all... but seeing that you care... that can really make a difference in the life of someone who doesn't want to live.

My reality

Alone
Crying
Walls are closing in
No one to call
No friends

THIS IS NOT A PITY PARTY!!
THIS IS MY REALITY!!!

Argh... confused.

So confused right now...

Need to get _____ but...
do I need to get a _____ first?


Got an ____ @ ______ in a couple of months...
but... did everything get _______ ???

I guess I will have to make a few calls...
but it will have to wait a few days....

Hate getting news...good or bad
on a Friday... *sigh*

Here goes my anxiety levels....
right through the roof!!!

Crying heart

My heart is crying...

No tears on my face...

Just overwhelming sadness....

An emptiness that just can't be explained.

Loneliness beyond measure.

Feet in the fire

I feel like I have been sitting next to a bonfire for a little too long....

My feet are bright red and burn....
My toes are looking quite bruised.

My legs are on fire... and have numerous popped blisters.

All of my joints feel as though they could explode at any moment.

My torso is a mess.... simply put... IT HURTS for many different reasons.

My arms and hands have been going from completely numb to the worst intense pain and back again...

My shoulders, neck, and head... well... if they weren't connected... I'm sure they would roll right off... as the muscles are cramping so much and so tight.... even my hair hurts!!!

WHO AM I?

I know I am a daughter.
A sister.
A niece.
An aunt.
A cousin.

A friend. (maybe...??)

I could be...(but not)
A wife.
A mother.
A lover.

There are other things that I could list... but I don't see the point... if you know me, you know what I live with everyday.

BUT WHO AM I???

I have been trying to figure this out for years...

Please... I need to know who I am....

memories

I see your face in pictures.

I read your words from the past.

I can only hear your voice
and feel your touch in my memories.

I miss you.