What does being a friend mean?

One definition of friend is: A person you know well and regard with affection and trust.

I am struggling with this lately as I have way too much time and think about things way to much.

I wonder what kind of friend I am?? By this I mean, sure I would do just about anything for someone that I regard as a friend. But, I am really not a good friend. I rarely check in with these people as I feel I am stepping over some mysterious imagined line.

I don't want to push myself into someone elses life... I've done this before though at the time it was truly not what I was intending to do...it just happened. I can only say that I truly did not know that I was doing this...it was pointed out to me at a later date with some very harsh words that opened my eyes and caused me to back away.

I feel as though those whom I used to call my friends are now more on the acquaintance side... definition of acquaintance is: someone we are familiar with or know but less than a friendship level.

I struggle now trying to find my place in this world in regards to being a friend and/or having a friend.

I wish all of this made sense... I can't find the right words to express the emotions and thoughts that are bouncing through my brain.

I want to run away.

I want to run away and hide...

To sit by a pond, a lake, or a spot on the sand near the ocean.

Maybe sit under a tree in the meadow, atop a cliff on a mountain side, or at a river's edge.

It would be nice to have a friend to talk with there though silence and solitude might be best.

None of the above makes much sense... my head is full of mixed up thoughts all bouncing around aimlessly.

Disconnected

As each day passes I feel more and more disconnected from my life.

Everything I knew my life to be is quickly fading away, faster than ever before.

I feel as though I've jumped off a cliff and my parachute doesn't work.

Or maybe the ladder I was climbing is falling apart and I don't have the tools to fix it...

Or my the rope that I've been tied to is unravelling...

I feel like I am falling and I can't find my way back up.

I feel like I don't fit in anywhere any more... I'm the square peg trying to fit into a round hole.

Having a pity party...

I'm sitting here tonight having a pity party for myself...

I feel so separated from every one and every thing in my life right now...

Funny thing is... there is nothing I can do about it... and probably would not do anything even if I could.

My life has gotten so far away from any real path... too many forks in the road and I seem to take the wrong direction every time.

I know that when I do this the Lord grabs me by the back of my neck and pauses me to listen for a while.

Sometimes he places me on a bunny trail that leads me back to the right path.

Other times he stops me dead in my tracks and I wait there until life catches up.

Can we be on more than one path at a time... I think so. Either that or I am moving way to quick through the forks in the road.... hmmm.

Ever...

Ever wonder why your phone doesn't ring?

Ever wonder why your email is empty?---except for junk mail that is...

Ever wonder why calls go unanswered, why messages go unreturned.

Ever wonder why you feel all alone?

Ever feel like no one cares?

Ever feel like life is going on for everyone but you?

Ever feel like you are taking up space?

Ever feel like... why bother?

Ever wonder if things will ever change for the better?

Ever feel like... things can't get worse and then it does?!?!

Ever feel like lonely is your only friend...?!?!?

If it weren't for bad luck...

If it weren't for bad luck I would have no luck at all...

Today started out fairly well... I went with my neice to meet with an employabilities person.

My neice is on the road to getting a job and being an independant young lady. YEAH!!

After that... I was going to get some lunch... I never quite made it there... I was in a minor accident...

By minor I mean... No injuries. The front of my car looks like a LARGE can-opener got a hold of it... peeled it right back. THIS SUCKS... it was just about a year ago I had the same thing happen.

I wasn't travelling fast... no airbag deployment... I was merging right... I guess the guy in front of me didn't see me and he too moved to the right... His tow-hitch left a perfect hole in the left side of my front bumper.

Since I've been driving my 26+ years... this is the 3rd accident. First one I was hit by a drunk uninsured driver, I was about 20 when this happened. Now I've had 2 in 2 years... ARGH!!!

I really HATE myself for this... I know I did everything I could have to avoid a wreck... I glancingly checked my mirrors but when I glanced back forward... it was too late... everything happened in a matter of seconds.

Hopefully will have my car back in a week or so.

Sigh....

Well... if you need me... you'll know how and where to find me....

Beyond Exhausted... again

I wish I could find a way to get some sleep!!

I am so tired and worn out.

It takes every ounce of effort in my body to move.

I worry about others in my life... I can only hope they know that I am here---if they need someone to talk to. I can't do much but I certainly can listen!

My heart is telling me that someone I care about is hurting, is overwhelmed, is lost. My hand is out...please don't smack it... if you need, please reach out and grab it... I'll hold on to you...let HIS arms work through mine.

I am exhausted... but will find the energy if I someone needs me.

I Saw God Today...

Late last night, I was trying to remember the words to one of my favorite songs... I couldn't think of them... another song kept popping into my head...

This morning while taking my nephew to daycare... I had my radio on but not turned up...

All of a sudden I heard this song(I Saw God Today) playing very softly.... I smiled and thought about the words of the song and how I often forget to look around and see the beauty of my surroundings.

On the way back from taking my mom to work I heard Jesus Take The Wheel... another wonderful song that makes me think.

Then just after 10:00am my brother calls me to let me know that AUSTIN CHRISTOPHER has arrived!!!!! I hope to see him soon...

Goes to show me that God does work in small ways all of the time... even when we aren't looking or listening!!!

Stopping....

I found out tonight that I was in real danger of not getting my vehicle stopped at any speed.

My dad and brother changed brake pads and rotors on the car I drive.... there was less than NOTHING left of my brake pads on the passenger side and just a hair more than that on the driver's side.

I thank my guardian angel and the good Lord above for protecting everyone in my path!!!!

I never heard the brakes squeek... not one little peep. I heard a grinding sound last week but had to wait until today to get them checked.

I now have new brakes and new rubber on the wheels... Next fix---windshield wipers. I always forget to get new ones... until it rains that is... sigh.

I shouldn't have been able to stop at all with the brakes that were on the car!!!!
I guess the Good Lord put his hand out and grabbed me with each and every stop.

What an eye-opener!!!

I am off to bed...
Austin... I hope to see you soon... tomorrow would be a good day!!!!

Dear Austin,

Dear Austin,

I want you to know how anxious we are all getting while awaiting your arrival.
I stay up to all hours of the night and early morning waiting for your daddy to call me so that I can go to your house and watch your big brother.

You are being shy right now... but you have nothing to worry about... you have a very sweet mommy and a wonderful daddy!!

Your big brothers are going to love you to pieces... All three of them!!! They will pick on you as you grow up but remember....if they pick on you too much... just call your auntie and I will come over and knock their heads together...hehe...

You also have 3 boy cousins and 5 girl cousins on your daddy's side of the family.... you are going to love this big ol' family!!! Oh...and you are going to be so spoiled... you have three aunties and 1 uncle who are all getting anxious to meet you. Not to mention your grandma and grandpa!!!

Wow.. you are one lucky little boy... you will be surrounded by love instantly!!!

I wonder what you will look like? Will you be tiny? Will you be long or short? What color are your eyes? What color is your hair? I wonder if your hair will be curly like your daddy's was when he was little.

Until you decide to make your grand entrance... I will be sitting here impatiently awaiting to meet you.

I LOVE YOU AUSTIN!!!
Auntie Connie

New Month...

It's a new month...
Another day...

I'm still wide awake...

Tears are flowing, please don't ask me why.
The lump in my throat prevents me from talking.

I sit here and wait... patience growing thin...
Not really...Nothing I can do about it...
As anxious as I am to meet him....he just doesn't want to come out and play.