The Unknown...

I really can't say right now what is going on....but the fear of the unknown is driving me crazy.

I have been awake since early Sunday morning. I can't get my mind to shut down. I know right now that there is nothing I can do about what is going on.... yet fear is running rampant.

I find myself crying wanting to fix what is going on... but I can't... it's not something that I can fix. I don't even have the answers I am desperately wanting right now.

It's terrible to wait on a phone call when you don't even know for sure that it will come. They told you it would come...but there is still no guarantee....

I know some will tell me to call and find out.... believe me... i've thought of that....but that is not an easy thing for me to do....

Yes, I want to find out....but No... I don't.

I will post more about this...when.... right now... I'm out of words.

Wondering....

Do you ever feel like the rug is about to be pulled out from under your feet??

Right now I feel as though something is about to happen to me and I don't mean in a good way. I feel as though someone has something they want to or need to tell me but they just can't or haven't.

Have you ever made plans to do something/go somewhere, weeks in advance to only at the last possible moment have the plans canceled??

This happens to me more than I care to say.... You would think I would get used to this but no. It still hurts. I try to protect my heart by not getting my hopes up.... but I still get hurt.

Right now my heart is kind of aching though I don't know why.... I do believe it is because I am waiting for the other shoe to fall.... It always falls. (I know "always" is a strong word...but for me in this kind of situation.... the shoe does always fall.)

I understand that I am not priority to anyone.... I understand about family and friends. I know things change, people change, plans change....

I just wish when change happens that I get notified as early as possible so that I can change my plans too and not be left in the cold or holding the bag.

Ok... so the above is possibly something my brain is telling me... I hate having Bipolar.... my brain bounces around all day from happy to sad... at the extremes most often..... My fears are sometimes irrational... I know.

Speaking of friends.... it is true that I don't have many....very few to be exact. I am afraid to make friends as they tend to leave. I tend to push people away to....but I am working on this. I am afraid to let people who have stepped back from me or walked away altogether back in my life....I'm afraid to open my heart again.... I know.... They probably feel the same way..... I don't want to hurt again.... and I definitely don't want to hurt anyone.

I wish I fit in somewhere.... It is a lonely world where I am....

Music....

I love how music can affect us in so many different ways.

Ever notice how you may cry at the first few notes of a song that makes you remember a moment from your past?

Ever have a song that when you hear it you can't help but smile and sing along at the top of your lungs?

Ever have a song that fills your heart and touches your very soul?

All of the songs that you hear playing with my blog are songs that do just that for me. Each one of them touches me. I know some of you that know me probably are probably shaking your heads going... WOW... I didn't know that she listened to this kind of music.

Well.... YES I listen to this kind of music. Country, Christian, Adult Contemporary, and Rock.

For me... there is something about every song that means something to me.

For Good.....That song couldn't fit better how I feel about a couple of friends that I have learned so much from. What they have done for me has change me for the better.

Thankful.....Perfect for how I feel about so much....

Testify to Love.....Exactly the way I want to live.

I Saw God Today.....Reminds me daily that we are surrounded by God's wonderful gifts.

Whatever You're Doing.....This is exactly the way I feel everyday. I'm not sure what God is doing to my heart but it sure is WONDERFUL!!

Everyday.....Reminds me of a dear friend who saved my life.

If I Had Only Known.....I think this one speaks for it's self.

How To Save A Life.....I'm sure hope people they would stay awake with me if that's what I need. Sometimes that's all it takes to save a life.

Moments.....I've felt like the person singing this song. I'm glad that I had someone that followed me onto the bridge so to say.

Broken Road.....I'm not sure why or how people come in and out of our lives but I know that the broken road has surely put some wonderful people on to my road.
Is There Life Out There....This could be my theme song.

I'll Walk.....well.....someday, I too will walk like I used to and run like I want to.

It Happens.....this song is just so upbeat and fits me and many I know.

Tough.....reminds me of a dear friend everytime I hear this song..... well....I can picture her husband sing this song about her----she's one of the toughest women I know, yet she has a heart of gold!

You Raise Me Up.....dedicated to the wonderful people that God has placed into my heart... this is not many people...but they are most precious to me.

If Today Was Your Last Day.....Makes me think how I would live if I knew today was my last day....

You Found Me.....I know God found me.....not a moment too late and not a moment too soon.....

I'm Movin' On.....letting go and getting on with a life that's been stalled. I often feel this way.

Sissy's Song.....Feels like these words were taken right out of my heart....exactly what I would say if.....

God Must Really Love Me.....He must as I don't have a good track record in this life and He still shows me everyday that He loves me.

Mixed up brain... mixed up day....

Today has been a mixed up day for me...

I feel like my brain has some sort of mixed up, warped, amusement park inside...

I thought everything was pretty leveled out today.... ha... joke's on me!!!

My day started out pretty mellow... then I got stressed out while trying to finish a project that I had been working on for months...

My brain keeps thinking....Did it really take me months or was I just putting things off??

It took months because I absolutely could not keep concentration to do something that I had done several times and should have been able to do in a matter of minutes. Not to mention the fact that sitting in a chair for more than a few minutes causes excruciating pain in my hips which immediately begins to radiate through my body.

I took a short break when a friend called and asked me to go to the store. I needed a break... I was growing angry and was not handling things to well. The break was nice...short... but needed.

When I got home, I had calmed down.

I went back to the task at hand.... immediately was frustrated as things did not appear to be working out at all and I didn't know what else to do to fix the problem.

I decided to do something else while trying to figure things out.... funny... next thing I know... I realized things were working perfectly.... project done!!!! I have no idea what I did or how it happened...but it worked.

After that, my mood went from my frustrated blah to through the roof elation!!!! Not a normal type of elation but a Wonder Woman---adrenaline pumping, don't get in my way, higher than a kite, loving everyone, no cares in the world---type of elation. This happened in .00000000001 seconds.

This feeling lasted for quite a while....well... a few hours anyway. I was joking and laughing, had a one liner for everything!!!! Then BOOM....something happened an the bottom dropped out!!!

Right now..... I feeling like the substance that is lower than pond scum... like I can't do anything right no matter what I do. I don't know where I fit in and feeling pretty lonely. (I'm not having a pity party... just expressing feelings so they don't get bottled up.)

This is not helping my RSD... I am in a major flare and it feels like it keeps getting worse as the minutes go by.... Stress equals physical pain....

Sigh.... I need to go to bed... get some sleep... but I have a funny feeling that I won't get much rest tonight....


Now I lay me down to sleep..... Amen.

Lost

I am so lost and looking for home.

I find myself standing in the hallway, kitchen, or even my bedroom looking around and saying... I just want to go home.

I don't know what that means....
Does it mean that I want a home of my own?
Does it mean that I want to go home to our Father?
Does it mean that I am searching for a Church Home? A Church Family?

I used to go to church for several months... never missing a Sunday. I loved that little church!! In many ways I still do. That little church felt like home.... I was often so very touched by the words spoken by the pastor. Sometimes it even felt like the service was meant for me to hear.

Why did I stop going.... Well.... I stopped going after a mental breakdown. I decided it was best to not interject myself on to others while I was trying to find myself, trying to patch up and mend a broken mind. I didn't want to be an embarrassment to people who knew me.... didn't want them to be uncomfortable because of me. I still feel this way.

I have been back to this church....once. I felt so very out of place... the service left me feeling empty.... I came to the service that was the last of a series of services that were linked together so I just didn't get the complete picture to the meaning.

I know I posted this before... but I still feel like I had a huge scarlet letter on my chest and I was, at that time...not welcome there. No one specifically said that I was not...but the looks and reaction from several people there made me feel this way. There is a song by Casting Crowns that fits perfectly to how I felt that day....
Does Anybody Hear Her?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbpGl_9rrcA

I need to find a place... a place that feels like... Home.

I roam around.... going in circles.... going no where....
I wish I knew where I fit in... where I would be welcome.

Can any body hear me....

March of Dimes --- March for Babies

Ok...before I lose this for the third time....

I'm not sure who reads this blog, if any, how many, etc....
I just want to call attention to the section on the right hand side of my blog that says.... Team Savannah.

Team Savannah is a team created by my younger sister to walk in the March of Dimes, March for Babies. My sister and team will be walking in the March for Babies in Holland, Michigan on April 18th.

Miss Savannah was born premature and was diagnosed pre-birth with Dandy-Walker Syndrome.


What is Dandy-Walker Syndrome?

Dandy-Walker Syndrome is a congenital brain malformation involving the cerebellum (an area at the back of the brain that controls movement) and the fluid-filled spaces around it. The key features of this syndrome are an enlargement of the fourth ventricle (a small channel that allows fluid to flow freely between the upper and lower areas of the brain and spinal cord), a partial or complete absence of the area of the brain between the two cerebellar hemispheres (cerebellar vermis), and cyst formation near the internal base of the skull. An increase in the size of the fluid spaces surrounding the brain as well as an increase in pressure may also be present.

The syndrome can appear dramatically or develop unnoticed. Symptoms, which often occur in early infancy, include slow motor development and progressive enlargement of the skull. In older children, symptoms of increased intracranial pressure such as irritability, vomiting, and convulsions, and signs of cerebellar dysfunction such as unsteadiness, lack of muscle coordination, or jerky movements of the eyes may occur. Other symptoms include increased head circumference, bulging at the back of the skull, problems with the nerves that control the eyes, face and neck, and abnormal breathing patterns.

Dandy-Walker Syndrome is frequently associated with disorders of other areas of the central nervous system, including absence of the area made up of nerve fibers connecting the two cerebral hemispheres (corpus callosum) and malformations of the heart, face, limbs, fingers and toes.

Today, thanks to wonderful doctors and hospitals that are helped out by the March of Dimes, Savannah is a Very healthy, Very active, happy, talkative 2 1/2 year old.

Please if you can... even the smallest of donations add up and can help other children like Savannah. Any donations will be greatly appreciated by my sister, Miss Savannah, and myself.

Hugs and Love to all!!!

Sitting here tonight with so much on my mind... I'm sure this post will not make sense.

So many things amaze me... like how the wind picked up, the clouds went dark, the rain it poured, the sirens blared.... and in seconds the sky's turned blue, the clouds were billowing white, the rains were gone, yet the winds still blow.

The above is also how my head has been feeling lately... swirling.

I have been thinking a lot of friends old, new, and lost.... I really haven't talked to anyone much lately... It's not that I don't care... I do... It just seems that I have nothing to say.

Friends that I've lost....I wish I could somehow let them know that they are still in my heart and how much that I miss them....I can only pray that God will somehow send them a reminder of me.

Friends that I've had for a while know me....know I go into hiding but they know it's nothing personal. They usually contact me after a period of time...to make sure I will check in.

Friends that are newer are no less loved than any of the above. I pray each day that God will allow these newer friendships grow.

I pray each day for my friends---old, new, and lost. I pray for them the best that life has to offer, that their families are well, that happiness surrounds them, and love abounds.

I pray the same for my family who are scattered about...

May all of my family and friends know that they hold a special place in my heart and I love them beyond measure even though I don't often show it.