Rambling

Alas another day's gone by, just another hash mark on the calendar. This is figuratively speaking as my calendar still says "June". I haven't changed the calendar pages as there really is no need.

My life ticks away the time with nothing to show for it. There is no need to change the pages of my calendar for I have no plans, nothing to do, no where you go, no one to meet with.

I wake up more tired than when I fell asleep. I take care of the little things that need to be done and then I'm back in bed. I spend 22-23 hours a day in bed. I have no energy, no will, my get up and go, got up and left.

I hurt more every day. I never thought it would be possible to hurt more than I did yesterday...let me say that I was wrong. I feel as though my bones are going to explode, each step feels as though my feet are going to crumble. The pain is beyond measure. Constant muscle cramping, spasms, twitching somewhere in my body. My skin feels as though I have been doused with something flammable and something lit the flames. No matter what I do, or what I try, I can not find anything that lessens or eases the pain that is my constant companion.

My pain is not just physical... I fear a mental breakdown... I try to be strong as I can only to watch my life passing by....a roller coaster of emotions that has no brakes...the cart is bound to go off track sometime. One moment I feel like Wonder Woman on speed with no fears or boundaries... the next I feel as though I'm the substance that is lower than pond scum....no hope of a better tomorrow.

Friends have come and gone.... I don't blame them... I'm no longer the person they met and liked enough to call me friend. I am now someone they used to know or someone they used to be friends with...somedays I understand, other days I don't.

Update...

I look at other blogs and think... wow, they don't update very much then I look at mine and I'm just as bad!!

The last month or so has been very difficult for me... I'm writing out what I can but I want NO sympathy....

Feelings, emotions, thoughts, fears, and such I've blocked them. Built up walls and shut down inside.

Why? I'm tired. Tired of hurting, tired of being lonely, tired of wishing, tired of dreaming, tired of constant pain, tired of living.

Hopeless... yes, my life is going no where and my hopes and dreams have all but disappeared. I don't even remember what they were any more.

Worthless... yes, I have nothing to offer this world anymore... I just taking up space.

Useless... yes, I can't even help anyone with anything. Even helping myself is beginning to be beyond my grasp.

These are my feelings... no matter right nor wrong... they are how I feel.

Aggravated...

I am so aggravated today...

I've done everything that I am supposed to...
Turned in everything requested and within the time limit...

Everything is so hurry, hurry... which I did.
NOW...everything is at a DEAD STOP!

I can't reach a human on the phone...voicemail's left.
Voicemail's unanswered...

I have no idea which way to turn... this is NOT good!!
I can only continue to call...leave messages...
Hoping that being a squeaky wheel will get greased soon.
Hoping that by doing so doesn't push me down on the list of things to do...