Dirt road

Found a little dirt road where nobody goes....

One that has not been trampled down.

One that leads to no where... a place where cars just turn around.

Nothing there but trees and overgrown grasses.

That is until you round the corner way back down the lane.

There's a pond where the catfish jump and the fireflies play.

It appears that no one has been there in years.

The fading sun glimmers off the water.

I sit there and watch the day fade away.

The shadows creep in, reminding me once again...

I'm all alone.

Fear and Worry....

The fear of the unknown is once again causing my stomach to churn...
I was successful in pushing it aside for the majority of my day but now it's back with a vengance.
It feels as though a boxer has beat my insides to a messy pulp.

My head and heart are about to shake themselves to pieces.
Not to mention...my feet and legs are very swollen, purple, throbbing, and feel like I'm constantly being hit with over-stretched rubberbands.

Tears keep welling up in my eyes... I keep trying to push them back... I am losing this fight.

I keep losing the battles, haven't won one yet... I worry I am going to lose the war.

Simplicity

Saw this on a twitter post... I would give credit to the creator and/or poster of this...but I forgot to write down whose twitter it was...

"To often I miss the simplicity and beauty

of being the answer to someone else's prayer

by trying to be the solution to their problem"

This little blurb struck me so strong... as it makes me feel as though some around me who try to help me are often in these shoes.

So... people... I ask you... please stop and see the simplicity and beauty of what you have done or are doing for me, I see it and it is beautiful!!! And stop trying to be the solution. I'm not looking for any of you to be or know the solution.

Screaming mind... Silent voice

I try to talk and let you know how I am feeling...
Yet I couldn't find the words.

We rambled on talking about everything but....

You think I am on an even keel...
My mind screams out... NO! No I'm not.
My voice remains silent.

I can't get my thoughts together...
Nothing makes sense...
Lots of mixed and senseless thoughts.

My heart feels numb...
My mind is broken.
My body has been smashed and left out in the sun.

Hard to have hope.

Gotta have hope... hold on to hope...
Can't have hope when there is no light.

There is light at the end of the tunnel I am told...
I can see no light as everything has grown darker over the years.
I am surrounded by darkness... it is my only companion.

Hang in there and hold on... are other things I am told.
But these are only words to me.
Words that make me sad.... those words annoy me.

ARGH... mixed up mind... can't find the words to continue.

Long week

It has been a long week. Filled with uncertainty and mixed up thoughts.

Uncertainty not unlike any other week, just one that is waiting for the other shoe to fall.
I have been struggling to find the words to explain how I feel.

I spend my days alone.
No phone calls to make and none to answer.
No emails in the inbox. Did send out a few.
Snail mail was junk and samples.


ARGH.... mixed up ramblings... I HATE THIS....
I guess now others can see how my brain makes no sense to me.

Hmmm... think about it.

"Suicide is NOT chosen!

It happens when pain exceeds

resources for coping with the pain."