Today... pain and hurt

Tears falling from my eyes...

I sit here (actually laying down) in my little room...
Lights off... Television on... don't know what is playing.

Pain levels a little higher than yesterday...
meaning... burning pain worse... bone pain excruciating...
muscles twitching, spasming, and cramping....
All of these....Oh my... how they HURT!!!

I can feel each change in the weather... barometer changes increase the pain I feel... sometimes it feels like pressure on my body...other times the pressure feels as though it's coming from my inside... either way... IT FRIGGIN' HURTS!!

(HURT--this word really doesn't describe the pain that I feel... just can't think of another word to describe how much I hurt!!)

Every movement of my joints sends out a LOUD, ANGRY, POP!!
I cry... in pain!!!

The pain has made me fearful of moving much... so I don't...
Does being still lessen the pain... NO... just doesn't make it much worse at the moment.

Tears keep falling...

Scattered etchings of my day.

Took me 5 hours to get out of bed today...

High pain levels.. seems impossible but higher than it's ever been...

I feel as though every joint is going to shatter if I move even a little...

Such deep bone shattering pain...
Feel as though they are being twisted so tight...
Like they might burst from the inside.

Mentally/Emotionally.... vacant seems to fit...
there's an emptiness that fills every inch of my being...
it's not a loneliness feeling anymore... that emotion is all but faded to gone.

I have a burning feeling in my sinus's and throat... hurts so to breathe and swallow!
I am so thirsty but have to wait to drink... any temperature outside of room or body temp is just too painful!

Walls until goodbye

The faster things spin the more stuff comes unraveled...

The walls are growing stronger...out of want and out of need...

I don't want to live but since i am... I don't want or need any additional pain...

I don't have many friends and that's okay... it takes a little time but it is getting easier to say good-bye... one by one...

It will be just a matter of time now where I can disappear
No one will notice... No one will care.

Thoughts from a mixed up mind...

This world keeps spinning faster.

But the faster it spins the more I feel stuck...
I want it to slow... just long enough for me to jump.

My heart is hurting and the pressure is pushing it deeper.

Like water in a bucket spinning round and round...
I am pushing feelings down... deep inside...

But wish so much that what's left, it's not much,might get pushed to the sides, up and out.

I answered with the truth when asked... though dark it often is...
not the answer you were hoping for... you turned the other way.

Maybe you didn't want to know... maybe you've never truly cared...
I wish now deep inside that I'd never shared.

I am shutting down my feelings for the hurt is much to great.
I can't keep looking to those who have turned and walked away...

I made the mistake to ever think that maybe we might be friends...
It's hard for me now because I see it was only just pretend.

I turn and look the other way...

How?

How do you let someone go?
How do you get them out of your heart when you never wanted to let anyone in?

How did they get past walls built around your heart???
Walls you thought were strong and unyielding...

How do you let go...without saying goodbye??
How do you stop caring?

How?

Bluntly...

I've been told repeatedly that If I choose to end my life that I will go to Hell...
I really don't care... I'm ready... It honestly can't be any worse than existing the way I am.
I am already going through hell!!!!

I've been told that this too will pass...
Ha... they obviously have no clue how I feel or what I am going through... only thing that passes for me is time.

I really don't want to be here...
I don't want to be anywhere...
RSD is a burning hell on earth....
Mentally and emotionally... too many things to deal with... I can't even deal with what others tell me are minor things anymore.... to me it's too much.

What stops me from ending my life...
Do I really want to?
A promise I've made?
Not wanting to hurt others?
My answer to these.... yes... But these are not simple things to do...
You wouldn't understand unless you are in my exact shoes....

Simply... I am not living for me... I am existing only because....

I've felt the earth move... it was nothing to compare.

I've felt the earth move, 5.6 on the scale they said...

Scared me...but barely got the attention of those where this is not an uncommon occurance...

Loud booming noise... saw the terrace go up and down...Lasted only seconds..
Just rode the wave, very wide eyed and worried... then asked what the heck was that...

Calmly told... earthquake. Then they looked away.
Nothing broke, nothing fell, no cracks were found... I had to look around.

In a place where it's been 200 years since the last...they never saw this coming..
I can not imagine the fear... the unknown...
I can not imagine the earth moving at a 7.0....
Buildings not designed nor built to withstand this, shook, swayed, and fell...
Concrete crumbled into dust... what was once there is now to hard to tell.

Many "aftershocks"... 5.6, 5.9, now 6.1...
There were others, many more... too many for me to recall...
To me these sound like Quakes, NOT aftershakes...

Every loud noise sends the people running, trying to get away...
There is no where to go... the crumbled buildings block the streets...

They make their way to the waters edge, swimming to boats off shore..
Crowding in to the smallest of spaces...where they really can fit no more.

Once open fields are now tent citys...
People gathering where they can...
Trying to locate loved ones, family, and friends...

Many days passed... little help getting in...
Airport runways crowded and blocked... after a while all incoming is stopped.
The port dock was damaged beyond being used... this latest, the 6.1 puts it beyond repair.

How to feed and quench the thirst of millions in this place of the lost...
Help comes from worlds away... yet little is distributed... too many with too little...

To be first in line so you can feed your child... I can't imagine the fears...

In a few days the world will move on...News people off to lesser stories...
I can't imagine anything larger happening... No one of greater need...

Thoughts to words...

The World is spinning way to fast...
Lives tossed, turned, destroyed...
It is all out of control

Earthquakes in the Caribbean...
Haiti hardest hit...
The people there struggle at best on a good day... now this.

Many people buried under buildings, concrete and stone.
Lost are tiny children, husbands, mothers, daughters and sons...

The people there still digging, never losing hope...
Just one more try, listening a little closer...

Seven days later... the smallest of voices, the bravest of souls...
Pulled from the rubble... never letting go.

Keep searching, keep digging, unending will and strength...

Many nations come together on this little island home...
This time, these days... we truly breathe as one.

Don't look for me...

Please don't look for me...
You won't find me...

I'm going away...
I don't know where I'm going...
It's somewhere I've never been...

Don't pray for me...
Please don't waste your time...

Where I am going, you've never been there either..
Please don't follow me... you don't want to be there.

I'm sorry

All hope is gone...

My family is more than angry with me...
I can't do anything right...

I have to move away or siblings won't come see my parents...
I won't be the cause of family discord...

Please forgive me...
I'm sorry...
I'm going...

Darkness...

There's a darkness that surrounds and consumes me...
There's an emptiness that fills me...

Tears are flowing down my face all hours of today...

Pain is unrelenting... physically demolished, mentally dead, emotionally vacant.

I have no reason to continue on...
Nothing I can do...
Have nothing to offer...
Hope is gone...

Running out...

Running out of strength and hope...

The pain is spreading... I didn't think of RSD spreading to where it seems to have now taken hold and it's grip is growing tighter.

All of the symptoms of RSD have taken hold of my pelvic area... OMG, it kills me!! Using the bathroom is sheer torture and even the softest of toilet paper and undies feel like the roughest of sandpapers!!!

It doesn't matter how I sit, lay, or even stand... the pain in my hips is indescribable... I can't find words that even begin to describe the depth of the pain I am feeling.

I don't know what to do... called the pain doctor... was told they faxed my informatin to the University Pain Clinic and they will contact me... WHAT IF THEY DON'T CALL ME?? WHAT DO I DO THEN??? WHERE DO I TURN??

My options for ending this pain are slim and only growing slimmer...
I have no hope of ever being me again... I can't live like this...

Long night... but nothing new.

Was up and down (sitting and laying) all night last night.. finally fell asleep sometime after 7am...woke up a little after 8am... It took me until sometime around 2pm to move myself to the edge of the bed--muscles cramping, bone crushing pain, and body on fire--I could only move a little at a time, then rest...

Once to the edge I had to find something to hold onto and pull myself up... it took me another several minutes...15 to 20, to stand and make my way to the bathroom.... it was well after 3pm before I was able to get dressed... found out later that my parents heard me trying to get up but they never came to help... I didn't know they were home.

Pain shooting across my body... bones with deep, shattering, crushing pain... never finding any real relief....

Brain wouldn't shut down... thinking about the pain and how to get relief... thinking about what I can do to end the pain...how to end this pain.

This is my life 24/7, so it's nothing new... sometimes I get help... sometimes no one is around.

The pain continues...
The brain is still massively mixed up... and not slowing down.

I want the pain to go away!!!
At this point... I don't care how...
The physical and mental pain... are just too much...

Alone....

Sitting in the dark again... lost and lonely is my life...
No friends to share with...
It hurts to know I'll never be included.

My phone never rings, email is always empty, messages and texts go unanswered...

I can no longer have any one sided relationships... I guess I was the only one who wanted to be friends....

If you were once someone who walked across my life's path... thank you. You have went your own way... I understand.

Path's don't often stay the same... You turned and went on your way....
I turn and look away...

I held you in my heart for a while...
Thank you,
So long,
Goodbye.

I'm ready to let go...

I'm ready to let go now... give up and say goodbye.

Told, I'm sorry, there is nothing I can do for you...
Your pain is too widespread and to complex for me to help.

Referred to place where it's thought that they may be able to help, only to find out that they may not even see me. Have to review file and then they decide.

I have no where else to turn...
Life like this is not living... this is hell...

I'm living in hell now... I may as well go there...It can't be any worse than living this way here.