Checking in... catching up

It's been a while since I've written anything... To be honest... I really don't know what to write... no inspiration.

I've decided to just write about how I am feeling...

1. I'm empty
2. Lost
3. Alone
4. Lonely
5. HURT.... did you know PAIN is a four letter word!?!?!?!?!
6. The gray skys fit perfectly with the darkness that surrounds
7. No energy
8. Don't care
9. Worthless
10. Hopeless

There is more but with the lack of ability to concentrate for more than a few minutes prevents me from remembering what I was going to type next.

Sigh..........

Here

For anyone who wonders...

I'm still here...

Many thoughts in my head yet the words make no sense.

To tired to untangle, to put into print...

Bruised and battered... no energy to fight.

Things

Too many things running through my mind...

Frightening to me.. scarey at the least...

I can't make sense of this as it's all so very real for me.

I search but can not find...

I am alone but that is not the way that I feel.

I can't see anyone but can feel someone watching me.

Dark shadows, whispers, screams.

Looking around.... yet too afraid to see.

Lost

I'm lost...

If you find me...

Would you please let me know.

And still...

I'm still preparing my heart and mind for bad news...

This is a hurry up and wait world.

We are expected to patiently wait...HA.

Almost 30 days late (not what you think).

Later than promised or told.

Sometimes bad news comes swiftly...

Other times it seems it takes forever...

Sometimes the swift rejection is easier to handle...
Pick yourself up, dust off, and figure out what to do next.

Waiting seems to fuel... uncertainty, negativity.

Some say no news is good news...

For me, no news is a beast eating away inside of me...

Afraid now to find out any news... good or bad.

I preparing for bad news...
I know how rejection again will affect my heart, soul, mind, and body.

I won't make any promises that things will be okay... I know my own reality.

I'm scared... afraid... hurting in many ways.

Preparing

I feel as though I am once again preparing my heart and soul for bad news. It's a matter of time... I know it's going to happen... again. I know deep in my heart and head that I can't take it any more.

I have found myself making plans all day... not plans that most would make...just plans that someone in my shoes might take.

Dark all around... I know I could do this or that... I just don't want a family member or friend to discover...

I really do not want to hurt anyone... a big part of me believes that no one would notice or care.

But there is a very teeny tiny part of me that knows my action(s) would hurt maybe one or two.

This is the ONLY thing right now that is stopping me from taking one of the actions that I have planned out in my head. I have the means... I know the way... It's just a matter of place and time.

I want out of this darkness and I want the pain to go away.

Forgotten

For the most part, today has been forgotten.

A voice mail and some text msgs from one person--actually a couple (hubby & wife)

Other than that... silence.

I remember others.... no one remembers me.

:o(

What did I do today... nothing...layed around.