Sigh.... scatter brained...ramblings...

I went to do a load of laundry today... no biggie right?!?! It took me two hours to sort out probably 3 loads worth of laundy.... then after getting a load into the washing machine I took a much needed rest. No biggie there either....

After about an hour or so I thought Id' switch the clothes to the dryer... HA.. joke was on me... I forgot to start the washing machine. Hard to get clean clothes without turning the dang thing on...

My brain is so scattered... too many thoughts going through it at once... I can't get them sorted out. It's hard when life throws too much at me at one time. Don't get me wrong... I know it is this way for many people... but throw two things at me at once... and I crumble!!!! I really can not deal with two things at once. I can't make what many call simple decisions!! I try but get very frustrated and end up on the edge of a breakdown.

I don't function very well on a day to day basis.... I often don't feel comfortable even coming out of my room. To sit in the living room with family sends me to the edge of panic. I love my family and I would do whatever I can for them... but to go some where knowing there is going to be a large group and/or people that I don't know... it freaks me out and my mind and body go into lock down mode and scream NO!!! I know my family really doesn't understand even though I know they try....

I can't even explain it to them... I don't really understand it very well myself....

Can't remember...

I drove to the doctor and back home again today.... funny thing is.... I don't remember the trip there or back. I know... that's scary.

I can't even remember if the radio was on or not... doesn't matter... music doesn't matter to me. I can't even listen to my play list.... those songs once meant something to me... now all I feel is pain when I listen...

I remember talking with my therapist and a couple of things about our conversation but not much.

I was feeling fairly good physically this morning... but by late afternoon something had lit the fire in my body.... This has caused me quite a bit of anxiety and panic... I couldn't leave my room for about 7 hours and then when I was finally able it was out...do what I needed and right back in...

The television has been on all day...but I have no idea what was on. Background noise.

I wish I could get out more of the clutter that is in my mind. Lots of anxiety, worry, and confusion.

I guess I should go to bed but sleep eludes me... I may have to take my anxiety medicine just to get my brain to go to sleep.

Living in constant severe pain of any kind is torture... I am trying to hold on...but fear that I am losing my grip.

Burning...

I feel like I am living in some kind of Hell...

RSD has my whole body feeling as though it is on fire... anything that touches me feels like sandpaper being ran across a severe sun burn. Imagine... being outside in the cold until you are so cold that you are nearly so numb that you can't feel anything. Next... you go inside and to warm up you jump into a hot shower. That burning nerve tingling pain that you feel... that is how I feel 24/7 but on a much higher pain scale.

My bones hurt so much they feel like they are about to explode!! The pressure that comes from the inside of my bones it truly indescribable. I will just say that if you've broken a bone...you may have a small idea of how my bone pain feels to me. (Yes, I've broken bones... and what I feel is way worse than a broken bone.)

My muscles are cramping so tight that I can't straighten up my fingers, toes, legs, or arms many times through the day.

I have so many muscle twitches, I just sit and watch them often with tears in my eyes as this hurts so very much.

I never know from day to day, or even minute to minute how bad my pain is going to make me feel.

I have bad days..... and.... I have worse days.

Today... it's on the worse day side of things....

Still here...

I felt the need to check in tonight...

I'm still here... still in the darkness.

I am sorry for putting the words out here that I know you really don't want to hear. I am sorry for hurting you... I know that words do hurt.

Please know... I am doing what I can to find my way out of the darkness... this monster is HUGE.

I am tired of hurting....
I am tired of fighting....
I am scared....

Sigh....

Here I sit again in the early morning darkness....

It's been weeks.. no, months since I was able to fall asleep before the first rays of daylight.

I hate this... I am so tired but can't sleep. The only way I can sleep is with medicine... and then it's never restful.

I have so much on my mind but very little of it makes any sense.

I am so lost... if anyone out there knows me... can you please help me find my way home...

I don't know who I am... I don't know where I am going... I don't have any dreams---I gave those up long ago. Can anyone help me figure this out???

What's next when I don't really have a future.... Sigh....

Even a beautiful day...

The sun is shining, the wind is blowing... it looks like a nice day.

I look out the window but have no desire to step out the door.

I am hurting, REALLY HURTING---having RSD bites.

My feet are all curled up tight today and feel as though they fell asleep months ago and are just now beginning to wake up. I know the pain will increase when I go to stand up. My right foot is still black and blue... nearly four weeks ago while gingerly walking down some steps... I heard a crunch---instant major pain and swelling. I don't know what happened...broken bone ---maybe.... dislocation --- possibly. Painful --- definitely!

You may be wondering why I don't just wait until this feeling goes away and then get up... you see... with RSD... this feeling NEVER goes away. It's a constant companion, one that I have come to know quite well. This feeling covers my whole body... outside and in.

Each key stroke I type feels like billions of hot, burning, stinging needles jabbing me as I touch the keys with even the lightest of touches. I feel like I've broken a bone in my left hand..I don't think I have but it sure hurts that bad.

I am thirsty but am tired of room temperature drinks. You see... Cold and Hot are very painful to me. This is true for my whole body but I long to drink an ice cold drink without severe pain when it hits the inside of my mouth... throat.... stomach.

I can't get comfortable... sitting increases pain in my legs, hips, and back. Laying down helps...but it is still very painful where ever my body touches the bed. Standing is very painful as my feet are curled and it feels as though I am standing and walking on a bed of fire hot shards of glass.

I can find no true relief from the pain.

I try not to concentrate on how much my body is in pain... but some times, most times it takes over and consumes my whole exsistance. Then this causes a whole new set of pain problems---mental and emotional pain.

Living with all three pain "syndromes" is way more than one person should ever have to endure... sometimes fighting is not an option... often I just have to give in and let them do what ever they are going to do as I just blank out. I can't deal... I just can't.

Many times each day... I just want to give up.

Today...

I woke up today feeling no better... still very dark. Dark thoughts bouncing all around in my mind. Worthless, good for nothing, drain on friends, family, and society...

I figured out what happened that made the song play last night...

I hit the back button instead of the pause button. This is what
caused the last song on my playlist to play. I now also remember
adding the song to my playlist. I was looking for a different song when
I came across Never Give Up On Me.... I listened to a small snip of the
song and it wasn't the song I was looking for but I liked it so I added it.

I should have known that there is a real explanation for everything.... it didn't
happen by chance. Sigh....

Wow... chills...

I was just reading my last post... but before that I turned off my playlist... I didn't want to hear it... I'm not in the mood for music.

All of a sudden I heard very soft music... I couldn't figure out where it was coming from... I knew my playlist was off...

I scrolled to the bottom of my blog and looked... the very last song on my playlist was playing.....Never Give Up On Me by Josh Bates. Funny thing is... I don't remember adding this song to my playlist either.

God speaks softly when we don't even want to listen.

Growing in Faith....

It seems odd to me today that my blog title says learning to grow in faith... ha. (sarcastic)

Right now... I am struggling with faith... seriously struggling. I don't even feel connected....

I know God is busy with way more important things and people than me... and that's ok... The starving need food... the sick need healed... the soldiers and citizen in war zones need protection... I get it... there is only so much that can be done.

There was a time when I could feel God at work in my life... I could hear Him talking to me... I felt He was by my side and often holding me in His arms... For a while it felt as though I was kicking and fighting to get away... then I gave in and it felt like a gentle hug and cradling me as I layed there in His arms...

Now... I feel nothing... I hear nothing... I don't know... it feels as though I am alone.

I used to listen to Christian radio... I loved it... it brought me calmness in my storm... Now... I can't listen to it at all... I find it makes me anxious... and it hurts to listen to.... it makes me feel as though I am alone.

I am lost... I am hurting... I am alone.

Dead inside...

I've been feeling pretty dead inside for a while...

I laugh but it brings no joy... I don't know why I laughed at all...

I find myself crying for no reason... this is happening many times each day.

I don't find much joy (if any) in really anything.

I don't want to hurt others so I put on my mask each time I step out of my room.
I hope I will be forgiven... I just don't see any other way...

If you only had a a few weeks to live...

If you only had a few weeks to live, what would you do??

Would you tell your parents that you love them? Your children? Your family and all of your friends?

Would you spend time with friends even if it's only a few minutes each?

Would you fix that broken bridge? The one you burnt so long ago.

Would you do your best to make it to the events of all of the children in your life?

Would you be their best cheerleader or just a face in the crowd?

Would you try new foods?

Would you visit a new place or go to your favorite places?

Would you ride a bull? Jump from a plane?

Would you dance in the rain or sleep in the sun?

What would I do?

On sharing...

It's often hard for me to say what is going on with me... by this I mean... speaking the words and telling friends and family what is going on in my head... and/or how much pain I am in...physically, mentally, emotionally... or even sharing the emptiness of my soul....

Mostly, I keep things to myself... I don't want to burden anyone and I definitely do not want anyone's pity!! I also definitely do not want to hurt anyone in any way.

In the past, I opened up and let a few people know how things were going... shared or tried to share with them the darkness that I live with daily.

I found out that this was not a good thing to do... I found out that I was really hurting people and I didn't know it.... I never dreamed that by telling others about the darkness and what I was doing to end the darkness... it would hurt someone else.

I learned a long time ago to how to bottle up.... I think this is the best thing to do so that no one gets hurt by me.

I know there is one safe place for me to talk... well, mostly safe---This place could take action and send me somewhere they believe would be safe for me... I don't know. I also think there is one other place that I can talk... again... not 100% sure, but maybe it's safe.

I do write here about the darkness, voices, and my constant companion...pain. I know that if someone can't handle or doesn't want to hear what I am saying... they have the option to not look, don't read, or only read the sections they want to...

Hmmm....
Sigh.....

Hurting... body, mind, and soul.

Who knew a person could ever hurt so much?!?!

BODY
Late last night, dizziness set in... the thing that strikes me as funny and odd about this... I was laying down. Everytime I moved my head in the slightest little bit, I felt as though I were going to pass out.

Now my neck and head are hurting so much that I can barely move them at all.
My stomach is still in turmoil... tossing, turning, still very nauseated...

MIND
My thoughts are so very cluttered... voices telling me how to end the pain... all of the pain. The voices are giving me many options... I am trying not to listen but the voices are growing louder by the second.

My mind is not 100% concentrating on the physical and mental pain that are my constant compainions.... I try to think of the future.. but I don't have much if anything to offer this world, so many things I can no longer do... and the things that I can do are disappearing by the day, hour, minute, and second.

SOUL
This is an area of my life that I'm not very well acquainted... I feel like a baby bird still in the nest with little to no feathers and the wind is picking up. I keep waiting for the wind to pick up and toss the nest out. I feel as though I am in a fly or fall world. I am searching for a safe place to land but there is no where.

I find myself having a more and more difficult of a time believing...
I wonder... How?? Why?? What did I do?? What have I done?? Where am I going??

All I can say right now is... My life... it hurts.

Lonely... :(

Sitting in the dark... that's where you can find me 99.9% of the time...

Television is on but I can't tell you what program.... it stays on 24/7.
I keep it on because without it my life would be silent.

Silent, if not for the screaming in my head. Maybe I keep the television on in some sort of attempt to drown out the screams...I don't know.

Lonely.... that's an understatement. My phone it rarely rings... I have no friends who stop by and visit... My emails are packed, but mostly with junk... I delete the junk and sometimes delete other mail because I've either seen it before---I get a lot of forwarded email...often I've gotten them from more then one person... you see, my email list is mostly comprised of family members who send out bulk mails...then another family member forwards what was sent to all of us...poof, delete....it's gone.

It seems to me that mostly I am the one in a "friendship" that initiates contact... I have a few one-sided relationships... ha... 99.99999% of my relationships are this way.

I don't really "fit-in" with family or friends... I really don't expect a call, a visit, an email from anyone...

I'm sure some may read this and think... grow up and stop having a pity party... Let me say... I've gotten past the pity party stage... these things are now fact... and it's lonely.

Darkness...

Darkness surrounds.... voices are screaming...

It's hard to ingore when they are screaming louder than I.

I hear them...but won't write what they are screaming...

Toes are further over the edge....

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The knife in my back... asked who it was.. I'm not saying, I've been trying not to think about it... it still hurts a lot!!!
The knife placer(s), twister(s), digger(s) should know who they are...

Sigh...

Deleted...

Not the right time for what was here...

Being sick and having RSD...

Today is a really rough day... Here's a pic I took... It reminds me to be calm.

I don't feel well -- I have had a fever all day hovering around 101 degrees.

My stomach is rolling, tossing, and turning.... then explodes. (I'll spare the details)

I don't know whether it's the flu, the weather, stress, or just everything rolled into one... but, my body is in a huge flare!!! My feet are swollen, my joints are very painful, and every part of my body feels like it's being stuck with a million needles per inch and some how those needles have been set on FIRE!!

I can't get my mind clear... I'm still screaming...

Can anyone hear me????

I whisper and no one notices....

I am screaming but no one hears....

sigh......

Scattered thoughts...

So much going on in my brain right now... if this sounds like a bunch of random thoughts being thrown out and they don't make sense.... well it is and it doesn't make much sense to me either.

The knife in my back.... well, it's still there, being dug in deeper and still being twisted. Sigh...
I don't know what to do...

I've been away trying to relax, clear my mind, and figure out the future.
I didn't accomplish any of these... not a one.

I am still on the cliff, each day feels as though I am leaning out further into the darkness, my toes are way over the edge... only my heals are on the ground. The voice inside my head keeps telling me to go ahead and jump... says "you know that is all there is left to do", tells me "you know that no one really cares anyway...", "no one will miss you...just do it!!!"

The voice grows louder by the second.

While I've been gone I have seen some beautiful sights... the waves kissing the light tan sandy shores... surfers waiting for the perfect ride. I've watched the sun come over the mountains and set over the waves.

I've seen the snow still in the mountains...

I've seen the many colors of this country... the browns and reds of the soil. The greens of the farm fields, Trees in the mountains and the saw grass of the valleys.

I've seen the blues, pinks, purples, and various shades of white and gray in the evening skys.

The most amazing thing I saw was the rainbow above the puffy white clouds. The rain below was falling hard but the top looked like cotton candy... the rainbow took my breath.

Each morning I woke to two little buddies waiting outside of my door... ready to play. They never judged me... never wanted to hurt me... unconditional love. I was sad when I had to leave... I could see they were sad too.

I had some wonderful talks... heart to heart... I miss this already.

My brain is getting more confused as I type... so much I want to get out... the thoughts are tripping over each other trying to get to my fingers... I'll try to get them out some other day.