Same stuff... different day.

I am so tired...beyond exhausted once again...
All I want to do is sleep but I can't... I try... I really do...
I may sleep for a few minutes but awake in a panic.

My body is hurting beyond what I could ever have imagined.

My bones feel like they are going to EXPLODE at any moment... it doesn't matter if I am moving or laying still...

The burning... cold, hot, and deep... like ice cold and hot pokers being stabbed into my body and ran along my skin.

I've been having SEVERELY painful headaches that just don't want to ease up.

The voices surround and follow me everywhere I go.... the eyes they too follow.

The nightmares are back...violent and scary...
Who would have thought that with only minutes asleep that nightmares can occur???

I never...I am....

I never thought it possible that I could be in MORE pain... I am.

I never thought it possible that I could feel MORE down... I am.

I never thought it possible that I could feel more empty... I am.

I never thought it possible to feel more lost... I am.

I never thought it possible that I could feel more out of control... I am.

Still existing

I've tried over and over to blog...

Nothing is making sense...

My mind is filled to overflowing....

Many different emotions swirling all about...

I am only posting this to let others know that I am still existing.

Lonely

I wonder how many people actually know what it feels like to be lonely?

I mean truly lonely...
You have no one to talk with because there is no one around... you only hear the echo of your own breath or the beat of your own heart.... Mostly you hear the voices in your own head.

You have no one to call.
Sure you have phone numbers on your phone but you know that you really can't call them.
They are there... just in case.

What does just in case mean?? It's there if you need it? Deep down you know that you really can't call them even it you really did need someone... they were just being nice when they gave you their number... OR... it's an old number to someone who used to be....

Unable to go anywhere and even if you could there is no where to go.
There is no one to see... you know you just can't stop by some one's house... no matter what---they really don't want you around.

Why? Because they are someone you used to know.... someone who used to be a friend... someone who now barely qualifies as an acquaintance.

I wish I could better explain what lonely feels like.... mostly for me it is just a very empty feeling.

Lonely is normal for me... it is my only friend... constant companion.... something I am used to...

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Have you ever felt completely blank....

I have...
I am...

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OUCH!!! OUCH!!!! OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The muscles in my legs are twitching so fast....
It feels like they are about to be RIPPED from the bone.
The PAIN is TRULY INDESCRIBABLE!!!!
From my toes to my hips... the COLD BURNING FIRE has a DEATH GRIP on me!!!

My feet feel like they are going to SHATTER with each little step!!!! The SHATTERING feeling continues up my bones right into my hips!!!!

The muscles in my hands and arms are BURNING!!!
They are CRAMPING so tight!!!
It feels like they are about to be ripped from my wrists, elbows, and shoulders.

My hands are in EXCRUCIATING PAIN!!!
Fingers hurt with even the lightest of touch!!
Fingers and Wrists feel like the joints could SNAP and BREAK at any moment.

The palms of my hands are on FIRE!!!
Feel like they are SEVERELY BRUISED!!!

My back, shoulders, sides and stomach have been INTENSELY SPASMING ALL DAY!!!
I don't know whether to bend backward to ease the back pain or curl up in a ball for my stomach!!

THIS ALL HURTS SO MUCH and I CAN'T FIND ANY RELIEF!!!!

Panic

TEARS ARE STREAMING...POURING DOWN MY FACE!!!!

My Mind is SCREAMING out in AGONY and PAIN

The thought of having to leave my house for a couple of appointments this week, PLUS the physical pain I am in, is making my chest grow heavy and tight, my throat is even tighter...

I am scared beyond measure at the thought of having to step outside of my little room. Too afraid to eat, to go to the bathroom, to go around anyone...even my family.

I am scared to death at what "might or might not" happen next!!!

My stomach is turning... I can't keep anything down...I've been vomiting and diarrhea. I don't have the flu, no fever. (I am kind of laying/sitting/leaning against the edge of my bed because I am afraid to ask for help getting up to go to the bathroom.)

I am having an extremely hard time typing this... I've been trying for the past four hours.... (doesn't help that my hands and fingers are in severe pain!!!)

My body is also screaming out in pain!!!

The more stressed I get... the worse my physical pain gets!!!! The worse my pain gets...the more I get stressed!!!

I HATE this, I HURT SO MUCH in so many ways!!!!!

It HURTS so much to move the slightest bit!!!

Muscles on fire, cramping tight in some places and wildly spasming in other parts.

My bones feel as though they are burning, frozen cold and ready to explode at any second. My skin is on fire...but very cold to the touch.

I am even freaking out and crying uncontrollably because I am forcing myself to write this.... trying to ease my fears and pain...

IT IS NOT WORKING!!! This is making me feel worse!!!!

Something inside of me is SCREAMING...

STOP!!!

DON'T!!!

YOU CAN'T LET ANYONE KNOW HOW YOU ARE FEELING!!!!

THEY WON'T BELIEVE YOU ANYWAY!!!!!

I am in FULL PANIC!!!

I so desperately want to "run" to a place where I can END IT ALL!!!!

I WANT TO END IT ALL!!!!

• I want to run my car into a tree or a bridge--90 to 100mph should do it!!!
• I want to jump from a bridge onto the highway get hit by a car or a semi...even the fall might do it!!!
• Jump off the bridge into the river--hitting the water from 20-30 feet should do it...if not the water is cold enough that it would take no time at all to freeze to death!!!
• I want to take all of my pills at once... go to sleep never to wake.
• I want to cut my wrists or even my throat....takes moments to bleed to death.
• I want to throw a rope over a hidden tree... with my height and weight...I only need to be about 4 feet off the ground...snap my neck! At the very least...it will cut off my airway.

CAN'T YOU SEE??...

ALL OF THIS IS REAL FOR ME!!!

:o( ME )o: