Missing you.

I don't know if you read my blog.... if nothing else I hope you read just this post.

I miss you something terrible!

I am sorry I am not the kind of person you want in your life.

I wish I had seen that you didn't want me there.... I didn't know until it was too late!! I had blinders on.

Please forgive me for wanting to be a part of your life.

I know now that I pushed my way in though I promise that I didn't know it at the time.

I don't understand it myself... I only know that something about you drew me toward you.

Was it your love for life? Your love for family? Your love for our Heavenly Father? My answer is YES!!

I admire your love for all of these and more... I desired to learn from you.

I thought if I could just be around you...I might be able to be like you. To be loved like you.

I only wanted to be your friend. I wanted you to be my friend.

I can not change what has happened. I can not promise what will happen in the future.

I know that I am sorry for all of the sorrows that I have caused you.

I know that I do not deserve to be forgiven nor to be given any more chances by you.

Please know that I am truly sorry and that I will forever hold you in a special place in my heart.

I will be here "if" you ever need someone or more likely are ever down to your last straw and need someone.

I LOVE YOU and ALWAYS WILL.
I am thankful that you walked across my heart if only for a little while.

If you read this and you believe it's you... please leave me a short comment... even just an anonymous.. "got it".

Please leave me a note even if you don't think it's you... I like reading comments.

It's been a while

It's been a long while since I have posted here...

So much has happened yet everything remains the same.

I have reluctantly accepted that fact that all of the medicines I am on are a necessary evil. I don't want them but I need them so I have to take them. Do they work? Yes and No. Some I can tell a difference with but others I can't tell you if they are working or not... I don't feel any different than I did before I started taking the medicine.

I was dangled a couple of carrots of hope a few months ago but they are so far out of reach that they are not even an option and are never likely to ever reach my plate.

I have no hope for some things and less than a glimmer of hope for others. Yet I still breathe.

I wake each morning... I go through the motions... I fall asleep some time during the night just to do it all over again some time after the sun rises.

Same as below...

Nothing new...
just read below...

Pretty much sums it up...

Still tired... Still here....

Just buzzing through to let all who read here know...

That I'm...
Not sleeping much but feel like I could sleep forever.

I will try to write when life allows.

Dirt road

Found a little dirt road where nobody goes....

One that has not been trampled down.

One that leads to no where... a place where cars just turn around.

Nothing there but trees and overgrown grasses.

That is until you round the corner way back down the lane.

There's a pond where the catfish jump and the fireflies play.

It appears that no one has been there in years.

The fading sun glimmers off the water.

I sit there and watch the day fade away.

The shadows creep in, reminding me once again...

I'm all alone.

Fear and Worry....

The fear of the unknown is once again causing my stomach to churn...
I was successful in pushing it aside for the majority of my day but now it's back with a vengance.
It feels as though a boxer has beat my insides to a messy pulp.

My head and heart are about to shake themselves to pieces.
Not to mention...my feet and legs are very swollen, purple, throbbing, and feel like I'm constantly being hit with over-stretched rubberbands.

Tears keep welling up in my eyes... I keep trying to push them back... I am losing this fight.

I keep losing the battles, haven't won one yet... I worry I am going to lose the war.

Simplicity

Saw this on a twitter post... I would give credit to the creator and/or poster of this...but I forgot to write down whose twitter it was...

"To often I miss the simplicity and beauty

of being the answer to someone else's prayer

by trying to be the solution to their problem"

This little blurb struck me so strong... as it makes me feel as though some around me who try to help me are often in these shoes.

So... people... I ask you... please stop and see the simplicity and beauty of what you have done or are doing for me, I see it and it is beautiful!!! And stop trying to be the solution. I'm not looking for any of you to be or know the solution.

Screaming mind... Silent voice

I try to talk and let you know how I am feeling...
Yet I couldn't find the words.

We rambled on talking about everything but....

You think I am on an even keel...
My mind screams out... NO! No I'm not.
My voice remains silent.

I can't get my thoughts together...
Nothing makes sense...
Lots of mixed and senseless thoughts.

My heart feels numb...
My mind is broken.
My body has been smashed and left out in the sun.

Hard to have hope.

Gotta have hope... hold on to hope...
Can't have hope when there is no light.

There is light at the end of the tunnel I am told...
I can see no light as everything has grown darker over the years.
I am surrounded by darkness... it is my only companion.

Hang in there and hold on... are other things I am told.
But these are only words to me.
Words that make me sad.... those words annoy me.

ARGH... mixed up mind... can't find the words to continue.

Long week

It has been a long week. Filled with uncertainty and mixed up thoughts.

Uncertainty not unlike any other week, just one that is waiting for the other shoe to fall.
I have been struggling to find the words to explain how I feel.

I spend my days alone.
No phone calls to make and none to answer.
No emails in the inbox. Did send out a few.
Snail mail was junk and samples.


ARGH.... mixed up ramblings... I HATE THIS....
I guess now others can see how my brain makes no sense to me.

Hmmm... think about it.

"Suicide is NOT chosen!

It happens when pain exceeds

resources for coping with the pain."

One more thing...

One more thing...

IF you read this blog... please let me know.

All you have to do is leave a comment..

Thanks.

I am the only one who has looked at this blog in days... this I am positive.
If by chance you do read here... you are welcome to leave a comment.
(I don't post all comments but I do read them)

Hurting heart

My heart is hurting so much...

Tears are running down my face.

Anyone know what it's like to feel truly lonely? I do. :o(

I tried to keep up, never wanting to intrude, on what is going on with those few who stayed in my heart...

The last link was cut tonight... poof! gone.

The only thing left is to shut the rest of my heart down... so it doesn't hurt any more.

I have no reason to keep going now... "friends" have all gone.
(If I had only known...)

Torture

This heat is torture...
Can't even bare to go outside.

This a/c is torture...
Can't handle being inside.

Can't sit for more than a few minutes...
My hips, legs, feet, and back feel like they are going to explode.

Cant' lay down for long...
EVERYTHING that is touching ANYTHING, HURTS WORSE THAN ANYTHING I HAVE EVER FELT!!!!

Can't even begin to describe how I am feeling mentally/emotionally.
Guess I will just leave it as TORTURED HELL.

Long goodbye.

An empty life is all that surrounds me....

No joy, no love, no laughter...

Only tears, fears, and loneliness...

No promise, no glimpse, or glimmer of hope for a brighter tomorrow.

My heart has already said many goodbyes, my voice has said a few.

I fall asleep each night and want to never awake.

Everytime that I drive somewhere I wait and want for someone to cross that center line... take me out in it's path.

I don't want to hurt anyone...this is the reason for my long goodbye.

Bridges to jump off.

There's a bridge I cross at least twice a week,

It spans the interstate... I slow and look longingly as I pass, the fall would be swift and if timed right there would be no pain.

There is also a second bridge just a few feet away that crosses a swiftly moving creek... it's tall enough and would probably break a few bones before sucking me under and taking me down stream.

There are many other ways that I hold in my mind... these are just two that constantly cross my mind.

Pain is worse today.... no ease in many, many days.

I feel.

I feel.......

The noose around my neck...

The razor running along my wrist...

The pills melting down my throat....



I haven't done these...

Yet wanting to.... to end the pain.

Who?

I don't know who you are though I've heard your name and I've listened to stories.

You have a book that I've only just skimmed through.

I've seen a movie about your "passion" but it left me with more questions than answers.

I've listened to music that speaks of your praises... it sometimes brings tears to my eyes.

Who are you? Are you really real?

I can't help but doubt as my life rages with pain.

Hugs for a friend.

You are on my heart today and running through my mind.

I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling or what you might be thinking.

I can understand your sadness and your fears.

Be strong my "friend" and hold on tight to those you love.

Let those who love you do just that and remember to just breathe.

I hold you in my heart and lift you up in prayer.

May the time pass swiftly and normal return soon.

If I tell you...

If I tell you or have told you...that I love you, please don't take it wrong...

I tell you I love you because I do and I want you to know just that.

I don't know if I will make it to tomorrow... and I don't want to leave without you knowing.

I Couldn't do a thing :o(

I saw the tears rolling down your face.
I heard the sadness in your voice.
I couldn't say much of anything...
I could say nothing that would comfort you.


When I could...
I did reach out and hug you...And told you that I love you.
My heart, still wishing that, somehow, I could do more.


I said goodbye and tried not to look back as I pulled away.
I turned up my radio and put my foot to the floor...
I had to get away fast as my heart could not bare to see you in pain.

Fears and Anxiety

Little things cause me great fear... Great fears cause me to do things that are not completely understandable by anyone...even me.

Even things out of my control or that don't have anything to do with me at all.

I always have great anxiety until something that is supposed to, or might happen... Happens.

I can't help it... I question everything, I doubt everything... even if I don't ever speak a word of my apprehensions out loud.

My mind goes a million different directions at a million miles a second, if that is possible.

My stomach often feels as though it is eating it's self to bits.

Don't worry.... I understand.

Struggling with major confusion and too much anxiety.

***Content deleted because the above line says it all...***

Why

Went for a drive in the dark...
Very windy and pouring rain at times.

Stopped at a drive thru for something to drink.
Not really thirsty just something different to do.

Nothing much on the radio... even listened to
a bit of the end of a race.

Time for a CD.... haven't changed the one in the player
for a couple of years now..

Decided to listen to the newest Rascal Flatts CD.
It has many good songs... but the last one... it sticks
in my head and says so very much.

Why <-----that's the name of the song. If you haven't heard it... it really is worth the listen.

http://www.cmt.com/videos/rascal-flatts/469206/why.jhtml


Because I'm guessing... You know someone who is suicidal or knew of someone who committed suicide.... this song could be about them.


Did you know.... That every 40 seconds someone commits suicide... leaving someone that asks... Why?


There is a line near the end of the song that says... Who told you life wasn't worth the fight? This line hits me pretty hard as each day I feel life is not worth the fight.


No one has told me that life is worth the fight. If you have and you can find it in you to tell me again... PLEASE DO. Because...I do not remember and I do not see that it is worth the fight.


I have had someone tell me that they don't want me around their family as they don't want their children to ever think or feel that life is not worth the fight (I have stayed away)....but they never explained to me the reason why life is worth the fight.


I can say that as a person who lives with constant suicidal thoughts... IT IS IMPOSSIBLE to see the BRIGHTEST of lights through the IMMENSE DARKNESS!!!


I don't know if there is anything that anyone can say or do to help a person who is considering suicide...


Saying something may or may not help. Words often add to the confusion to someone wanting to commit suicide as they are already dealing with many, many words and often voices in their head.


Spending time with someone who is wanting to commit suicide, even though it is hard for you, may be the best thing you can do to help them.


You may even have to take them to the hospital...but stay with them until they feel safe. Odds are...the suicidal person will do everything they can to get out of there...If they are asked what they want to do....they know the words to say so they can go home.


Hearing that you care is good and all... but seeing that you care... that can really make a difference in the life of someone who doesn't want to live.

My reality

Alone
Crying
Walls are closing in
No one to call
No friends

THIS IS NOT A PITY PARTY!!
THIS IS MY REALITY!!!

Argh... confused.

So confused right now...

Need to get _____ but...
do I need to get a _____ first?


Got an ____ @ ______ in a couple of months...
but... did everything get _______ ???

I guess I will have to make a few calls...
but it will have to wait a few days....

Hate getting news...good or bad
on a Friday... *sigh*

Here goes my anxiety levels....
right through the roof!!!

Crying heart

My heart is crying...

No tears on my face...

Just overwhelming sadness....

An emptiness that just can't be explained.

Loneliness beyond measure.

Feet in the fire

I feel like I have been sitting next to a bonfire for a little too long....

My feet are bright red and burn....
My toes are looking quite bruised.

My legs are on fire... and have numerous popped blisters.

All of my joints feel as though they could explode at any moment.

My torso is a mess.... simply put... IT HURTS for many different reasons.

My arms and hands have been going from completely numb to the worst intense pain and back again...

My shoulders, neck, and head... well... if they weren't connected... I'm sure they would roll right off... as the muscles are cramping so much and so tight.... even my hair hurts!!!

WHO AM I?

I know I am a daughter.
A sister.
A niece.
An aunt.
A cousin.

A friend. (maybe...??)

I could be...(but not)
A wife.
A mother.
A lover.

There are other things that I could list... but I don't see the point... if you know me, you know what I live with everyday.

BUT WHO AM I???

I have been trying to figure this out for years...

Please... I need to know who I am....

memories

I see your face in pictures.

I read your words from the past.

I can only hear your voice
and feel your touch in my memories.

I miss you.

Comments

If you are reading this and want to make a comment or just say something to me...

Please feel free... even anonymous comments are welcome.

I don't always post comments...but I do read them and I appreciate hearing from people.

I miss..

I miss...

• the phone calls out of the blue.
• the calls after you've seen me pass by.
• the texts that just say hi.
• the emails that let me know I've crossed your mind.
• the phone call, text, or email with a song title that says it made you think of me.
• the occasional let's meet for lunch or ice cream.
• your smile.
• the touch of your hand.
• your hugs.
• the sound of your voice.
• all in all.... I miss you! (you know who you are.)

Pain + cost = tears and fears.

Tears rolling down my face....

It is so hard for me to see others so happy because their dreams are coming true...
I should be happy for them and somewhere I am...
But deep inside... It hurts... it hurts so much.

I fight as hard as I can.
I have fought for so long.

It all comes down to...
No matter what I do, Nothing is going to change.

Pain is my constant companion... but it is not my friend!

Physically---Hell... doesn't even begin to describe. Cold burning, stabbing, spasms, cramping, deep bone aching, are just a few things that are part of my pain. The list is long, scarey, and extremely painful.

Mentally---I can not truly begin to describe the pain that I hold inside.

I arise each day knowing, that I do not want to be alive for one more day.
I do not want to be here.
I do not want to be anywhere.

The cost of continuing, unrelenting pain is...
Lost employment, lost family, lost friends, and lost faith.

The cost is so very high... it can never be paid as the amount continues to rise each and every day.

I do understand... but it hurts.

Even though you turned your back...
You turned and walked away..
That I think of you often...
Sometimes several times each day.

I understand why you did what you did...
BUT that doesn't make it easy for me to stop
caring for you... to stop loving you.
That's something that I find I can not do.

I know I'm not someone you want to be around...
I'm not someone you want to be around your family and children.
I get this too.

I know my life is too much for you to handle...
I understand you are not "equipped" to help me.
Please know that I am not asking NOR wanting you to..

I've done my best to separate myself.. to respect your request, words, and wishes.

It hasn't been easy... because deep inside... I MISS MY FRIEND.

Obvious

To state the obvious, I'm awake.

Another day of wasted life and wasted breath.

Why does a person have to live when there is nothing to live for?

I know I made a promise and for years I have been keeping it.

It is the hardest promise I have ever made.

I wonder now, why did I make this kind of promise, for as hard as I try, I am just not sure I can keep it.

I don't want to hurt anyone or have anyone worry because of or about me.

I just don't want to be alive.... I am wasting space.

Exhausted.

Sitting here this afternoon... wondering.

Wondering... Why did I wake?

I have nothing to do.
There is nothing I want to do.

No where to go.
No where I want to go.

No one to talk with.
No one who wants to talk with me.

I am so tired.
Not so much the sleepy kind of tired.
I am mentally and emotionally exhausted.

Please, just let me sleep.... never to awaken.

Stay alive... Why?

Why must I stay alive when I have nothing to live for...

I don't want to live. I don't want to be alive.

I have no hope of a promising tomorrow.

I have no dreams for the future.
I have never had a dream for my life.

When I was little... I had no dream of what I wanted to be. Never said when I grow up I want to be....

I always thought that I would be dead by the time I was 30. That came and went with no eventful or meaningful things happening with my life.

Then I thought I wouldn't live past 40.... that too has passed.

I sit here today... never married... no children....

Nothing to live for..............

Scared & Alone

I am so scared...

I can only sit and cry.

Do I want to live? No.
Do I want to die? I don't want to live this way... so, Yes.

I have no hope that I will ever feel any better than I do today.

Today, I feel like the stuff that is lower than the pits of hell.

I have nothing to offer... anyone, anything. Just nothing.

I would like to think that you are my friend...
BUT... I know too, that I can not call when I need a friendly voice, a hug, or just someone to sit and be silent with me.

I have no one, just me... and I don't like me... even my shadow won't stay with me.

March for Babies

It is hard for me to ask for help for just about everything in my life...

This one is not so hard as it is for babies....
Babies like my niece...
Savannah was born premature with a cyst on her brain stem.
Doctors told us that there was a good chance that she would never be able to walk, talk, or much of anything else.

Thanks to doctors and miracles....
My niece is a very talkative, fun loving, silly, very active 3 year old!!

Please... if you are reading this and are able... click on the link at the right and donate... every little bit helps.

Help us help babies.

Thank you.

Same stuff... different day.

I am so tired...beyond exhausted once again...
All I want to do is sleep but I can't... I try... I really do...
I may sleep for a few minutes but awake in a panic.

My body is hurting beyond what I could ever have imagined.

My bones feel like they are going to EXPLODE at any moment... it doesn't matter if I am moving or laying still...

The burning... cold, hot, and deep... like ice cold and hot pokers being stabbed into my body and ran along my skin.

I've been having SEVERELY painful headaches that just don't want to ease up.

The voices surround and follow me everywhere I go.... the eyes they too follow.

The nightmares are back...violent and scary...
Who would have thought that with only minutes asleep that nightmares can occur???

I never...I am....

I never thought it possible that I could be in MORE pain... I am.

I never thought it possible that I could feel MORE down... I am.

I never thought it possible that I could feel more empty... I am.

I never thought it possible to feel more lost... I am.

I never thought it possible that I could feel more out of control... I am.

Still existing

I've tried over and over to blog...

Nothing is making sense...

My mind is filled to overflowing....

Many different emotions swirling all about...

I am only posting this to let others know that I am still existing.

Lonely

I wonder how many people actually know what it feels like to be lonely?

I mean truly lonely...
You have no one to talk with because there is no one around... you only hear the echo of your own breath or the beat of your own heart.... Mostly you hear the voices in your own head.

You have no one to call.
Sure you have phone numbers on your phone but you know that you really can't call them.
They are there... just in case.

What does just in case mean?? It's there if you need it? Deep down you know that you really can't call them even it you really did need someone... they were just being nice when they gave you their number... OR... it's an old number to someone who used to be....

Unable to go anywhere and even if you could there is no where to go.
There is no one to see... you know you just can't stop by some one's house... no matter what---they really don't want you around.

Why? Because they are someone you used to know.... someone who used to be a friend... someone who now barely qualifies as an acquaintance.

I wish I could better explain what lonely feels like.... mostly for me it is just a very empty feeling.

Lonely is normal for me... it is my only friend... constant companion.... something I am used to...

blank

Have you ever felt completely blank....

I have...
I am...

Blank

OUCH!!! OUCH!!!! OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The muscles in my legs are twitching so fast....
It feels like they are about to be RIPPED from the bone.
The PAIN is TRULY INDESCRIBABLE!!!!
From my toes to my hips... the COLD BURNING FIRE has a DEATH GRIP on me!!!

My feet feel like they are going to SHATTER with each little step!!!! The SHATTERING feeling continues up my bones right into my hips!!!!

The muscles in my hands and arms are BURNING!!!
They are CRAMPING so tight!!!
It feels like they are about to be ripped from my wrists, elbows, and shoulders.

My hands are in EXCRUCIATING PAIN!!!
Fingers hurt with even the lightest of touch!!
Fingers and Wrists feel like the joints could SNAP and BREAK at any moment.

The palms of my hands are on FIRE!!!
Feel like they are SEVERELY BRUISED!!!

My back, shoulders, sides and stomach have been INTENSELY SPASMING ALL DAY!!!
I don't know whether to bend backward to ease the back pain or curl up in a ball for my stomach!!

THIS ALL HURTS SO MUCH and I CAN'T FIND ANY RELIEF!!!!

Panic

TEARS ARE STREAMING...POURING DOWN MY FACE!!!!

My Mind is SCREAMING out in AGONY and PAIN

The thought of having to leave my house for a couple of appointments this week, PLUS the physical pain I am in, is making my chest grow heavy and tight, my throat is even tighter...

I am scared beyond measure at the thought of having to step outside of my little room. Too afraid to eat, to go to the bathroom, to go around anyone...even my family.

I am scared to death at what "might or might not" happen next!!!

My stomach is turning... I can't keep anything down...I've been vomiting and diarrhea. I don't have the flu, no fever. (I am kind of laying/sitting/leaning against the edge of my bed because I am afraid to ask for help getting up to go to the bathroom.)

I am having an extremely hard time typing this... I've been trying for the past four hours.... (doesn't help that my hands and fingers are in severe pain!!!)

My body is also screaming out in pain!!!

The more stressed I get... the worse my physical pain gets!!!! The worse my pain gets...the more I get stressed!!!

I HATE this, I HURT SO MUCH in so many ways!!!!!

It HURTS so much to move the slightest bit!!!

Muscles on fire, cramping tight in some places and wildly spasming in other parts.

My bones feel as though they are burning, frozen cold and ready to explode at any second. My skin is on fire...but very cold to the touch.

I am even freaking out and crying uncontrollably because I am forcing myself to write this.... trying to ease my fears and pain...

IT IS NOT WORKING!!! This is making me feel worse!!!!

Something inside of me is SCREAMING...

STOP!!!

DON'T!!!

YOU CAN'T LET ANYONE KNOW HOW YOU ARE FEELING!!!!

THEY WON'T BELIEVE YOU ANYWAY!!!!!

I am in FULL PANIC!!!

I so desperately want to "run" to a place where I can END IT ALL!!!!

I WANT TO END IT ALL!!!!

• I want to run my car into a tree or a bridge--90 to 100mph should do it!!!
• I want to jump from a bridge onto the highway get hit by a car or a semi...even the fall might do it!!!
• Jump off the bridge into the river--hitting the water from 20-30 feet should do it...if not the water is cold enough that it would take no time at all to freeze to death!!!
• I want to take all of my pills at once... go to sleep never to wake.
• I want to cut my wrists or even my throat....takes moments to bleed to death.
• I want to throw a rope over a hidden tree... with my height and weight...I only need to be about 4 feet off the ground...snap my neck! At the very least...it will cut off my airway.

CAN'T YOU SEE??...

ALL OF THIS IS REAL FOR ME!!!

:o( ME )o:

Today... pain and hurt

Tears falling from my eyes...

I sit here (actually laying down) in my little room...
Lights off... Television on... don't know what is playing.

Pain levels a little higher than yesterday...
meaning... burning pain worse... bone pain excruciating...
muscles twitching, spasming, and cramping....
All of these....Oh my... how they HURT!!!

I can feel each change in the weather... barometer changes increase the pain I feel... sometimes it feels like pressure on my body...other times the pressure feels as though it's coming from my inside... either way... IT FRIGGIN' HURTS!!

(HURT--this word really doesn't describe the pain that I feel... just can't think of another word to describe how much I hurt!!)

Every movement of my joints sends out a LOUD, ANGRY, POP!!
I cry... in pain!!!

The pain has made me fearful of moving much... so I don't...
Does being still lessen the pain... NO... just doesn't make it much worse at the moment.

Tears keep falling...

Scattered etchings of my day.

Took me 5 hours to get out of bed today...

High pain levels.. seems impossible but higher than it's ever been...

I feel as though every joint is going to shatter if I move even a little...

Such deep bone shattering pain...
Feel as though they are being twisted so tight...
Like they might burst from the inside.

Mentally/Emotionally.... vacant seems to fit...
there's an emptiness that fills every inch of my being...
it's not a loneliness feeling anymore... that emotion is all but faded to gone.

I have a burning feeling in my sinus's and throat... hurts so to breathe and swallow!
I am so thirsty but have to wait to drink... any temperature outside of room or body temp is just too painful!

Walls until goodbye

The faster things spin the more stuff comes unraveled...

The walls are growing stronger...out of want and out of need...

I don't want to live but since i am... I don't want or need any additional pain...

I don't have many friends and that's okay... it takes a little time but it is getting easier to say good-bye... one by one...

It will be just a matter of time now where I can disappear
No one will notice... No one will care.

Thoughts from a mixed up mind...

This world keeps spinning faster.

But the faster it spins the more I feel stuck...
I want it to slow... just long enough for me to jump.

My heart is hurting and the pressure is pushing it deeper.

Like water in a bucket spinning round and round...
I am pushing feelings down... deep inside...

But wish so much that what's left, it's not much,might get pushed to the sides, up and out.

I answered with the truth when asked... though dark it often is...
not the answer you were hoping for... you turned the other way.

Maybe you didn't want to know... maybe you've never truly cared...
I wish now deep inside that I'd never shared.

I am shutting down my feelings for the hurt is much to great.
I can't keep looking to those who have turned and walked away...

I made the mistake to ever think that maybe we might be friends...
It's hard for me now because I see it was only just pretend.

I turn and look the other way...

How?

How do you let someone go?
How do you get them out of your heart when you never wanted to let anyone in?

How did they get past walls built around your heart???
Walls you thought were strong and unyielding...

How do you let go...without saying goodbye??
How do you stop caring?

How?

Bluntly...

I've been told repeatedly that If I choose to end my life that I will go to Hell...
I really don't care... I'm ready... It honestly can't be any worse than existing the way I am.
I am already going through hell!!!!

I've been told that this too will pass...
Ha... they obviously have no clue how I feel or what I am going through... only thing that passes for me is time.

I really don't want to be here...
I don't want to be anywhere...
RSD is a burning hell on earth....
Mentally and emotionally... too many things to deal with... I can't even deal with what others tell me are minor things anymore.... to me it's too much.

What stops me from ending my life...
Do I really want to?
A promise I've made?
Not wanting to hurt others?
My answer to these.... yes... But these are not simple things to do...
You wouldn't understand unless you are in my exact shoes....

Simply... I am not living for me... I am existing only because....

I've felt the earth move... it was nothing to compare.

I've felt the earth move, 5.6 on the scale they said...

Scared me...but barely got the attention of those where this is not an uncommon occurance...

Loud booming noise... saw the terrace go up and down...Lasted only seconds..
Just rode the wave, very wide eyed and worried... then asked what the heck was that...

Calmly told... earthquake. Then they looked away.
Nothing broke, nothing fell, no cracks were found... I had to look around.

In a place where it's been 200 years since the last...they never saw this coming..
I can not imagine the fear... the unknown...
I can not imagine the earth moving at a 7.0....
Buildings not designed nor built to withstand this, shook, swayed, and fell...
Concrete crumbled into dust... what was once there is now to hard to tell.

Many "aftershocks"... 5.6, 5.9, now 6.1...
There were others, many more... too many for me to recall...
To me these sound like Quakes, NOT aftershakes...

Every loud noise sends the people running, trying to get away...
There is no where to go... the crumbled buildings block the streets...

They make their way to the waters edge, swimming to boats off shore..
Crowding in to the smallest of spaces...where they really can fit no more.

Once open fields are now tent citys...
People gathering where they can...
Trying to locate loved ones, family, and friends...

Many days passed... little help getting in...
Airport runways crowded and blocked... after a while all incoming is stopped.
The port dock was damaged beyond being used... this latest, the 6.1 puts it beyond repair.

How to feed and quench the thirst of millions in this place of the lost...
Help comes from worlds away... yet little is distributed... too many with too little...

To be first in line so you can feed your child... I can't imagine the fears...

In a few days the world will move on...News people off to lesser stories...
I can't imagine anything larger happening... No one of greater need...

Thoughts to words...

The World is spinning way to fast...
Lives tossed, turned, destroyed...
It is all out of control

Earthquakes in the Caribbean...
Haiti hardest hit...
The people there struggle at best on a good day... now this.

Many people buried under buildings, concrete and stone.
Lost are tiny children, husbands, mothers, daughters and sons...

The people there still digging, never losing hope...
Just one more try, listening a little closer...

Seven days later... the smallest of voices, the bravest of souls...
Pulled from the rubble... never letting go.

Keep searching, keep digging, unending will and strength...

Many nations come together on this little island home...
This time, these days... we truly breathe as one.

Don't look for me...

Please don't look for me...
You won't find me...

I'm going away...
I don't know where I'm going...
It's somewhere I've never been...

Don't pray for me...
Please don't waste your time...

Where I am going, you've never been there either..
Please don't follow me... you don't want to be there.

I'm sorry

All hope is gone...

My family is more than angry with me...
I can't do anything right...

I have to move away or siblings won't come see my parents...
I won't be the cause of family discord...

Please forgive me...
I'm sorry...
I'm going...

Darkness...

There's a darkness that surrounds and consumes me...
There's an emptiness that fills me...

Tears are flowing down my face all hours of today...

Pain is unrelenting... physically demolished, mentally dead, emotionally vacant.

I have no reason to continue on...
Nothing I can do...
Have nothing to offer...
Hope is gone...

Running out...

Running out of strength and hope...

The pain is spreading... I didn't think of RSD spreading to where it seems to have now taken hold and it's grip is growing tighter.

All of the symptoms of RSD have taken hold of my pelvic area... OMG, it kills me!! Using the bathroom is sheer torture and even the softest of toilet paper and undies feel like the roughest of sandpapers!!!

It doesn't matter how I sit, lay, or even stand... the pain in my hips is indescribable... I can't find words that even begin to describe the depth of the pain I am feeling.

I don't know what to do... called the pain doctor... was told they faxed my informatin to the University Pain Clinic and they will contact me... WHAT IF THEY DON'T CALL ME?? WHAT DO I DO THEN??? WHERE DO I TURN??

My options for ending this pain are slim and only growing slimmer...
I have no hope of ever being me again... I can't live like this...

Long night... but nothing new.

Was up and down (sitting and laying) all night last night.. finally fell asleep sometime after 7am...woke up a little after 8am... It took me until sometime around 2pm to move myself to the edge of the bed--muscles cramping, bone crushing pain, and body on fire--I could only move a little at a time, then rest...

Once to the edge I had to find something to hold onto and pull myself up... it took me another several minutes...15 to 20, to stand and make my way to the bathroom.... it was well after 3pm before I was able to get dressed... found out later that my parents heard me trying to get up but they never came to help... I didn't know they were home.

Pain shooting across my body... bones with deep, shattering, crushing pain... never finding any real relief....

Brain wouldn't shut down... thinking about the pain and how to get relief... thinking about what I can do to end the pain...how to end this pain.

This is my life 24/7, so it's nothing new... sometimes I get help... sometimes no one is around.

The pain continues...
The brain is still massively mixed up... and not slowing down.

I want the pain to go away!!!
At this point... I don't care how...
The physical and mental pain... are just too much...

Alone....

Sitting in the dark again... lost and lonely is my life...
No friends to share with...
It hurts to know I'll never be included.

My phone never rings, email is always empty, messages and texts go unanswered...

I can no longer have any one sided relationships... I guess I was the only one who wanted to be friends....

If you were once someone who walked across my life's path... thank you. You have went your own way... I understand.

Path's don't often stay the same... You turned and went on your way....
I turn and look away...

I held you in my heart for a while...
Thank you,
So long,
Goodbye.

I'm ready to let go...

I'm ready to let go now... give up and say goodbye.

Told, I'm sorry, there is nothing I can do for you...
Your pain is too widespread and to complex for me to help.

Referred to place where it's thought that they may be able to help, only to find out that they may not even see me. Have to review file and then they decide.

I have no where else to turn...
Life like this is not living... this is hell...

I'm living in hell now... I may as well go there...It can't be any worse than living this way here.