PANIC Button....

What started out today as anxiety creeping higher has now reached PANIC level...

I really haven't eaten much since breakfast today, eggs, bacon, toast, and apple slices...

This afternoon and evening, a few chips and a scoop of vanilla ice cream. (No, not at the same time.)

I have a huge knot in my throat that has worked it's way up from my stomach....

I am crying and I don't know why... have been for a couple of hours....

I'm all shaky and feel myself holding panic down... trying not to scream....

I HATE the way I am feeling but what can I do... I can't control this... It HURTS so MUCH!!!

All of this is HATE for today and NOT wanting to see tomorrow. I'm scared...

Climbing...

I am used to climbing on rocks, trees, stairs, hills, and even a mountain or two....

Nothing was too high, I loved the challenge and the feeling inside...

I can no longer able to climb... :( The challence now is to just breathe...

I can look at the pictures and remember when...

I remember the long hikes with my family...through Turkey Run...climbing on rocks, down ladders, and steps... across falling waters---just to get wet.

I remember at my aunt's house long, long ago... with cardboard and cousins, down the stairs we'd go...trying to stop before hitting the wall.

I remember the times on Mount Rainier... the water falls we passed on the way to camp.... getting out of the car to have a snowball fight in July.... Now I recall... with a fond, longing sigh.

The only climbing now... is anxiety, fear, panic, and pain... just living my life with the pain that I'm in...is like climbing a mountain that never ends.

Just rain...

I wish it would just rain...
Let the drops pour down...

The sky's are gray.
The air is cool.

Let the clouds open up and rain..

Outside looks how I feel...
I'm holding back tears can't let them flow.
Don't want to let them show....

I'm tired of the anxiousness that I feel every day.
I do what I am supposed to do... but can't get an answer about things that are NEEDED to do.

Running out of time to get the necessary things to where they belong.
I'm afraid of failure and what will happen "IF".

Just let it rain and take all of the IF's and AND'S away...

Tired... so tired.

I am soooo tired today.... lack of solid restful sleep is catching up with me.

I fell asleep after 5am and woke a few minutes after 7am.

This is a terrible pattern.... I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping for the last 5 years. The longest I went without sleep was 14, no, maybe it was 17 days. I can't remember... I just remember the way I felt during that time...

I have so much on my mind... I need to drop this off, take care of this thing, remember not to forget to go here.... argh!!! Sad thing about all of this... I could have everything done in a matter of a short period of time.... but again... I find myself waiting... not my choice... I would rather get it done and be over it.

I may try to sneak in a little nap here in a few... but with HIGH anxiety today, I'm not sure my body will let me... my pain is slowly creeping higher.

Sigh...................

How are you today???

Someone asked me, "How are you today?"

I felt a kind of shrinking feeling inside me an instant what do I say, how do I answer this...

I answered in my mechanical mode... I'm okay.

I feel like such a fake when that question is asked of me. I really don't know if the person asking really wants to know or if it is just the routine question that people ask others.

It's hard when the knot in my stomach keeps growing bigger and the voice inside my head is screaming at me to tell the truth.

What I really want to say when asked this question is:

• I hurt like HELL!!


• My body feels as though it is on fire.


• My bones feel as though they are going to explode into a million little pieces.


• My physical balance at many times each day is that of a gummy worm causing me to try to catch myself from falling or fall and kiss the floor.


• My muscles cramp up, spasm, and tremor constantly...somewhere in my body all day long.


• My feet cramp up so bad that I think my toes are trying to touch my heals.


• My knees and hips lock up and the pain is HELL!!!


• My fingers, wrists, elbows, shoulders, neck, and jaws feel the same...They lock up and it's HELL!!


• The lightest of touches for me is a nightmare at best.


• On top of the cold burning feeling, my skin feels like I am being poked with a bazillion needle per quarter inch of my body.


• Even my hair hurts... okay, so maybe no the hair but the follicles scream every time the wind blows or I have to brush my hair.


• My life is a nightmare!!


• My mental and emotional health balance are far from balanced.


• My reality is that today is possibly the best I am going to feel for the rest of my life.


• I am fearful to leave my house. Many times it takes everything out of me just to leave my bedroom. I shake, shiver, sweat, vomit, diarrhea, nausea, and just pure panic!!!


• I can't go to the store by myself.... the thought makes me nauseous, sweaty, shaky, and just plan SICK.


• I often, if not always, want to take the steps to end this pain.


• I do have plans and know what it would take to be "successful"


• These thoughts are constant and cross my mind daily and many, many times per day at that.


• I live with an elephant in room, my car, every where I go, It goes too!!!


• I feel WORTHLESS, GOOD FOR NOTHING, USELESS, as though I AM TAKING UP SPACE!!!!!


• I have nothing to contribute to this world and I can't find the reason I am here...there is NO reason!!!


• I cry each night for hours... I try to hide the pain I feel and only let it out when I am alone. Physical, Mental, and Emotional...the PAIN is CONSTANT and IT IS A LIVING HELL!!!!

Screaming...

I want to scream... just scream as loud as is humanly possible...

I could scream in the house but it would frighten the dog and the parents will think I am going nuts...

I could scream outside but then the neighbors will definitely think I belong in a looney bin...

I could scream in my car...but it's way to hot and I can't scream while driving, I might wreck.

I could scream while at the doctor's office...but that I'm sure is a one way ticket to the mental ward.

Well... I'm off to the doc as soon as I get a brush through my wet hair...

What is anxiety and how does it feel?

Mirriam-Webster Dictionary defines anxiety as:

An abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension
and fear often marked by physiological signs
(as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt
concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and
by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it.


How does it feel? (This is how it feels to me...)
Frantic, shaking, heart racing, and thoughts bouncing
every which way.... it's a fearful reaction to the
unknown or the possiblities of what may be.

It's vomiting for no other reason.
It's crying and laughing all at the same time.

Anxiety takes hold and doesn't loosen it's grip...
it worsens until panic takes over and consumes.

I live in constant anxiety over many things...
some I have control over but it is worse when
control is taken away or never given.

There are many medicines that can help some
people... for me they take the edge off...but
never fully takes it away.

I often am fearful to fall asleep and panic
takes ahold and tosses me around when I awake.

Living a life on fire...

Living a life on fire, feeling like I am standing in an ice fire...

Imagine a large block of ice on fire... flames jumping every which way...

Now imagine that block of ice is you...

It starts at the tip of my toes and ends at the top of my head...

Feeling like a severe burn that somehow strangely at the same time feels extremely cold.

At times it feels in my brain that my body is ice cold... but to touch me I am warm as can be...at times very hot to the touch.

Muscles fluttering with tremors, spasms, and cramping...

I often feel as though my bones are going to snap in two... Deep bone aching pain... each step feels as though the bones in my feet are going to snap... joints lock up more quickly these days... Ever force a joint to move? Major pain, black out and hoping I land in a soft place and not the hard floor (nice idea but rarely works...The floor and I are becoming quickly acquainted.)

My whole body feels as though it has "fallen asleep" many months ago and is in the "just coming to" phase... a phase that never ends.

Painful when the breezes blow, Increased pain when I am "touched" by the vibrations of loud noises...

Fearful of thunder as a child... more fearful now as the rumbling increases my never ending pain.

A rain drop, a tear drop, many drops from the shower head... necessary but painful. Might as well be railroad spikes....

Skin multi colored... red, purple, yellow, and ghost white.. I often think my skin looks like that of a dead persons...

Ice cold drinks are painful... millions of needles in my mouth and throat... I think swallowing glass, razor blades, or millions of needles might be easier and less painful than RSD.

Taking a long hot bath is no longer an option as I can't tell how hot the water might be... I only know I hurt... sad thing for me is... I can't tell if it's ice cold either.... only pain!

My heart and soul need hugs... my body SCREAMS NO!!

This is a life on fire... RSD is a Cold, Burning HELL!!!!

Another day is another day...

One day rolls into another...

Stresses go higher and higher...

Anxiety is bouncing off the stratosphere....

Depression ever digging deeper...

Panic often takes control...

Breathe in, Breathe out... that's what I am told.

Hang in there... my fingers are losing their grip.

Feeling like Wonder Woman... bullets bouncing off my bracelets.

Wanting to take THE step off the cliff.... darkness surrounds.

Storms

Storms rumbling outside tonight made me realize that whatever is going on in my brain, my body, and my life are similar to a summer storm.

Thunder rumbling on and on are my thoughts bouncing around in my head...

Lightening bursts are the nerve endings in my body that spark through me every second.

The rain drops are my tear drops... sometimes it's a mist... other times a down pour...

As the storm outside moves on... my storm remains forever stuck.

Worry and wait...

It seems to me that I worry about things.. big and small all of the time.

I worry about things that I have zero control over.... this is very hard for me....

It's odd though... as I am a super procrastinator... BUT, I am getting better about handing things over to others that can handle things that I can not...

I hand things over promptly but then I can't see which way the ball is bouncing after it has been placed on another court.

I send text and emails with no response... I understand that I am not the only person in the world that anyone deals with in a day... but I would like to at least get an acknowledgement that they got my message...

Some things in my life have deadline dates...but after I turn it over, it's out of my control.

All I can do.. is keep asking while I worry and wait...

Old photographs...

It's funny.. odd funny that is, to look at old photographs of our days gone by....

Today I saw some photographs of me playing softball... ahhhh... those days.

The memories of playing right field... I know...Not a place for a good player, that's the spot where the worst person on the team plays as the ball rarely gets hit in that direction.. unless there's a good switch hitter or a power lefty.

I didn't mind... I would gladly play that spot any day. I could cheer on my friends and maybe make a good play once in a while.

I was far from the best player and not a real good hitter... The thing I was good at as a lefty... I could hit it right down the 3rd base line.... no one could ever see that coming.

I loved playing softball... I wasn't good as I have said...but I loved it... I made some good friends while playing... oh how I miss them now.

This is but one of the things RSD has stolen from me... playing softball...and friends. But I can still recall the good times... with a tear in my eye.

Messed up = Me

Right now my anxiety is through the roof...

Fear of the unknown, what is going to happen, or what may or may not happen... has me freaking out!!!

I am feeling really depressed right now too... WORTHLESS, HOPELESS, Good for NOTHING, IN THE WAY.... and the list goes on and on....

At the same time I have at least a bazillion different thoughts running through my head. I feel as though my brain found a trampoline and is bouncing around doing all kinds of flips and flops...

I know this doesn't make sense... I love my family and friends... but I HATE me.... I really, really do HATE me.

I feel like I am a burden to my friends and family. I panic everytime I have to leave my room... and feel as though I am going to puke when I have to leave the house.

I remember the days when I used to get in my car and travel where ever I wanted... I loved to be on the road discovering new places and meeting new friends... those days are long gone... I panic when there are people around me that I don't know... I even panic when I'm around people I do know...

I can no longer do the things that I so loved doing... Softball, Tae Kwon Do, Aiki Jitsu, Riding a Motorcycle, Hiking in the woods, Riding my bicycle for miles and miles, and Taking long walks in the evening air.

I loved going to nieces and nephews, and friends children's ball games... football, baseball, it didn't matter... I loved watching them do whatever they were doing... Now I don't even get invited...

RSD has robbed me of so much....nearly everything I loved.

Many friends have disappeared. I know...who wants to be around someone like me.... I get it.. but it HURTS.

I sit in the dark and cry... there is nothing I can do to make this pain, ALL of this pain disappear. Well.. there is...but I made a promise that I am trying hard not to break....

Ouch, ouch, ouch...

I woke up today with severe pain in my neck.... I can look to the right and straight ahead.. but ask me to look to the left.... NO WAY... not without moving my whole body in that direction.

I must have slept in a weird position... It hurts sooooooooooo much!!!

Add this pain to my everyday RSD pain... I want to scream but don't because I don't want to scare anyone.... instead, I let the tears roll down my face.

From head to toe... my body is on fire... I call it The Cold Burning Hell of RSD.

It's been raining off and on here today... I had to go out and pick up a refill of one of my many meds... I mentioned that the raindrops felt like millions of needle hitting me... a friend made me smile when she said that all she felt was raindrops....

It's hard for me to even type... my fingers feel like they are waking up after a looooong, loooooong sleep.

Actual regenerating sleep is but a vague memory to me.... I haven't had restful sleep in many, many months.... I wake up several times during the night... I also sleep walk... this is what I've been told... Plus, I found myself standing in the middle of the kitchen a couple of nights ago... this is very scary to me... and I am SOOOOOOOOOO TIRED!!!!

I am in so much pain... physical, mental, and emotional pain... I'm tired.

Different Day...

Well... here it is... a new day....

It's often hard for me to tell one day from another.

My days all run into one...

I slept for about 3 hours last night... but I'm still in bed. I am sooooo tired.

I know... it's after 1:00pm... I am in so much pain....

Pain of all kinds... the physical is hell... severe burning... feels like bugs crawling under my skin...millions...no, billions of bugs.

My bones are feeling as though they are being twisted and are about to explode!! My feet, toes, ankles, knees, hips, fingers, hands, elbows, shoulders, neck, and jaw feel as though they are going to lock every time I have to move.

Even my earlobes hurt!!!

I have been up long enough to use the bathroom and grab a yogurt drink from my little fridge.

I have a TERRIBLY PAINFUL headache!!!! Even the light from my computer is killing my head. My migaine medicine is not making even the smallest of dents in the migraine pain....sigh.

Mentally and emotionally... forget it... I'm not functioning in that realm much at all.

I want this pain to end... ALL of this pain... physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. I don't see but one way out... one way for this pain to permanently go away.... I'm tired. Pain is my constant companion... not good company but the only company that sticks with me 100% of the time... this is one companion I could live without....

I live in this world with noncurable diseases or syndromes... this isn't living this his hell. I want to end this hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Long day... 100% pain!!

Today has been one of the longest days of my life...

It has been all I can do to just remember to eat and drink.

I have stayed in bed all day... I am hurting SOOOO much!!!

Physically, I am on fire... I feel like my body could spontaneously combust at any moment.

My bones feel like they are going to shatter...such an INTENSE bone aching pain!!

Everything I touch or touches me sends my body reeling... so VERY PAINFUL!!!

Every step I take feels as though the bones in my feet are going to break or dislocate.

I can't even comb or brush my hair.... imagine having a severe sunburn and trying to shave your legs... that is how my head feels...

Emotionally.... I'm a mess... mess is an understatement... The darkness keeps pulling me in... I hurt so much that I don't want to live like this... I wish I could end this pain.

I would end this pain if I knew that I wouldn't hurt anyone else...
I'm tired... In Pain... I'm a waste of life... taking up space... good for nothing...

Pain...

I am sitting here tonight in SEVERE pain!!!

It is all I can do to just change positions...

I was having a fairly good day... had spent some time with a dear person in my life... ate some yummy ice cream.

Just as we were getting ready to leave... my left hip joint decides that it is not going to move at all. I nearly passed out and it was all I could do to just make it to my car.... I'm glad it wasn't my right leg or I would probably still be sitting there.

My left leg is in searing fire cold burning pain!!!!!

How much more is this monster going to hand to me??? I didn't think it could get much worse..but today proved me wrong!!

I hate, hate, HATE this... I am so tired of being in pain!!!

Pain pushes me back into the darkness... it feels as though it is never going to go away... In reality... it isn't and I know this. There is no cure for anything going on in my life... to my body, my mind, or my soul.

The Full Moon....

I'm sitting here in the dark looking at the moon as it peeks through the tree in our front yard....
In a few minutes it will be completely uncovered....

I've watched it change from a reddish color to a bright white. It looks like it's nearing a full moon. The sky looks so dark from where I sit...except for the moon that is....

Ever wonder about the effects of a full moon??
I know it affects our ocean tides...

I wonder... what does it do to our bodies and minds??? Does it do anything at all?? I think it does... well, maybe.

I think the moon affects our moods.... I just wonder...what else??

One Week Later....

This has been one of the longest weeks of my life....

Not much has changed... still very scatter brained!!!

I want to crawl into a dark corner and disappear!!!

I want to run away and hide!!!

Living a life full of pain... is NOT living!!

I only exist here but I'm not sure why....

So much hope has disappeared...

Dreams are gone never to come back...

Whatever my future may bring looks pretty dim to me!!!

It's hard to keep looking forward when you're stuck!!!

I don't really look back on my life as in it's own little way, it hurts too much.

I quit looking left and right because there isn't much there either.

This isn't a pity party... it's my reality.