Messed up = Me

Right now my anxiety is through the roof...

Fear of the unknown, what is going to happen, or what may or may not happen... has me freaking out!!!

I am feeling really depressed right now too... WORTHLESS, HOPELESS, Good for NOTHING, IN THE WAY.... and the list goes on and on....

At the same time I have at least a bazillion different thoughts running through my head. I feel as though my brain found a trampoline and is bouncing around doing all kinds of flips and flops...

I know this doesn't make sense... I love my family and friends... but I HATE me.... I really, really do HATE me.

I feel like I am a burden to my friends and family. I panic everytime I have to leave my room... and feel as though I am going to puke when I have to leave the house.

I remember the days when I used to get in my car and travel where ever I wanted... I loved to be on the road discovering new places and meeting new friends... those days are long gone... I panic when there are people around me that I don't know... I even panic when I'm around people I do know...

I can no longer do the things that I so loved doing... Softball, Tae Kwon Do, Aiki Jitsu, Riding a Motorcycle, Hiking in the woods, Riding my bicycle for miles and miles, and Taking long walks in the evening air.

I loved going to nieces and nephews, and friends children's ball games... football, baseball, it didn't matter... I loved watching them do whatever they were doing... Now I don't even get invited...

RSD has robbed me of so much....nearly everything I loved.

Many friends have disappeared. I know...who wants to be around someone like me.... I get it.. but it HURTS.

I sit in the dark and cry... there is nothing I can do to make this pain, ALL of this pain disappear. Well.. there is...but I made a promise that I am trying hard not to break....