How are you today???

Someone asked me, "How are you today?"

I felt a kind of shrinking feeling inside me an instant what do I say, how do I answer this...

I answered in my mechanical mode... I'm okay.

I feel like such a fake when that question is asked of me. I really don't know if the person asking really wants to know or if it is just the routine question that people ask others.

It's hard when the knot in my stomach keeps growing bigger and the voice inside my head is screaming at me to tell the truth.

What I really want to say when asked this question is:

• I hurt like HELL!!


• My body feels as though it is on fire.


• My bones feel as though they are going to explode into a million little pieces.


• My physical balance at many times each day is that of a gummy worm causing me to try to catch myself from falling or fall and kiss the floor.


• My muscles cramp up, spasm, and tremor constantly...somewhere in my body all day long.


• My feet cramp up so bad that I think my toes are trying to touch my heals.


• My knees and hips lock up and the pain is HELL!!!


• My fingers, wrists, elbows, shoulders, neck, and jaws feel the same...They lock up and it's HELL!!


• The lightest of touches for me is a nightmare at best.


• On top of the cold burning feeling, my skin feels like I am being poked with a bazillion needle per quarter inch of my body.


• Even my hair hurts... okay, so maybe no the hair but the follicles scream every time the wind blows or I have to brush my hair.


• My life is a nightmare!!


• My mental and emotional health balance are far from balanced.


• My reality is that today is possibly the best I am going to feel for the rest of my life.


• I am fearful to leave my house. Many times it takes everything out of me just to leave my bedroom. I shake, shiver, sweat, vomit, diarrhea, nausea, and just pure panic!!!


• I can't go to the store by myself.... the thought makes me nauseous, sweaty, shaky, and just plan SICK.


• I often, if not always, want to take the steps to end this pain.


• I do have plans and know what it would take to be "successful"


• These thoughts are constant and cross my mind daily and many, many times per day at that.


• I live with an elephant in room, my car, every where I go, It goes too!!!


• I feel WORTHLESS, GOOD FOR NOTHING, USELESS, as though I AM TAKING UP SPACE!!!!!


• I have nothing to contribute to this world and I can't find the reason I am here...there is NO reason!!!


• I cry each night for hours... I try to hide the pain I feel and only let it out when I am alone. Physical, Mental, and Emotional...the PAIN is CONSTANT and IT IS A LIVING HELL!!!!