Searching...

I have been searching for a lifetime to figure out who I am, where I am going, where I am meant to be, and longing to find the purpose for my life.

I still don't know the answer to ANY of these things.

Lately I have felt so very lost and not knowing what I needed to do to continue in my path towards Gods Kingdom. I felt that the distance between God and I was growing so wide that the two may never join again.

This week I've caught glimmers of how God is using me in this world.... whether it's helping a friend to figure out some stressful times, or praying for the loss of a beloved family pet, praying for a child who is scared and hurting, or sharing a pocket cross and hugging a complete stranger whose heart was so obviously breaking....

I don't know where the prayers come from but they seem to roll off my fingers and into a text or email without ever having triggered any brain waves along the way. I read them and think...WOW those words just came from my fingers?!?!?! I know they didn't come from me... they, the words, were sent to my fingers via our WONDERFUL, GLORIOUS, AMAZING LORD.

It is so very amazing to me and puts me in a place of awe...when I see the little glimmers of our LORD. I can't wait to see where he leads me next. I may not be able to do much physically any more but the Lord, our Lord is showing me in amazing ways how my life still has meaning...even though I have no earthly clue what that meaning may be.

Thank you God for a wonderful week even amongst the worst physical pain I have been in for a long time.... My heart is filled with hope and love.

Trying to grow in faith...

I see so much Faith in those around me. I am in awe and complete amazement of these people.
I often wonder how did these people become such wonderful servants for our Lord? They never hesitate to offer a prayer or to keep you in their prayers.

I want to be this way... I want to be able to share the Lord's word without hesitation or fear of questioning or belittlement from others around me. I want to be able to comfort others with our Lord's word and share with them the awesome feeling of God's love!

I am new (less than a year) to wanting to learn God's word and about His son... Jesus. I crave His word!!

I wish that I could let others know how very comforting it is when going through rough times or struggling with various issues in our lives that hearing God's word and learning what He has already done for us can do and does to heal our mind, body, and soul. I know for me that His word brings GREAT comfort to me when nothing else does.

My life is far from perfect and I am far from a perfect person. I struggle daily to keep my feet on the right path. I know that the seed has been planted in me and I am beginning to grow wings. I am happy about this but I still want to jump from A to Z when the Lord keeps telling me to just "B".

I close with a simple prayer...
Father I come to you today with a humble heart. I ask you to guide my path in the direction you wish for me to follow. I ask you Dear Lord to please watch over, protect, and have mercy and love for all of my family....those who are connected by blood and those who you have brought into my heart.
Thank you Lord for showing me your mercies and forgiving me of my sins.
Amen.

Beginning again...

I'm trying to get my life back on track after pausing on my path.... I'd like to call it resting for a while...but I am so far from rested. I'm still at the edge and looking down at the darkness but now I am sitting with my feet dangling off the side. Is this any safer? Probably not but at least I have more of me on the ground than just my feet.

It takes more effort to lean out and look over the edge. I sometimes want to jump but I know now...that is an easy way out and it would hurt more people than just me. I'm not planning on jumping... but the thought is always there.

I am not where I need to be... Not where I want to be... I know I've stumbled backward and am almost back where I began! But this time... this time I am fighting!!! I am fighting each and every step. Unlike where this began.... I am not fighting against the mountain but fighting to make sure that I make it to the top with each and every single step. One step at a time.

I made that hard phone call... the one that I have been afraid to make. I called my pastor friend and I will be meeting with him at the end of the week. I need God in my life... I need someone to help me find this path again... It's where I want to be... It's where I need to be. I can't make this climb alone.

I wish the rain would wash away this pain.... I find myself so out of balance lately. Mentally, physically, and emotionally.... all out of whack.

I used to practice martial arts and was recently asked if I still practice... my reply was no, I don't have enough balance for martial arts any more. Then later I was thinking about that conversation and realized that I wasn't just physically out of balance... I don't have the mental balance that it takes either.

Emotionally.... wow... that's like a rollercoaster ride that never ends. up---down---loop, loop, loop----then do it all over again. The rails are getting rusty and the wheels are beginning to squeek... I just pray they keep on moving as the view over the edge...well...that's pretty scary.

I find myself back on the edge lately.... looking down and never seeing bottom. I think about going over the edge... but since I don't know where the bottom is... I just stand with my toes over the edge....remembering to just breathe.

I have been really bad well...negligent in my journey to grow in faith.... It's not that I don't care because I do. I love learning about the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit!!

I have been trying to read a book titled -- The Shack. I've made it about half way through and have found it so very interesting and such a learning experience. Problem is... I haven't been able to finish reading it. Every time I pick it up... I hear in my heart... "close the book, put it back on the shelf, you aren't ready to finish reading it right now."

I haven't been to church in months... I went one time in the last eight months. It was an odd experience. I felt as though I had a scarlet letter on my chest. I saw people who in the past would come up to me, hug me, ask me how I was doing.... just look at me, turn their heads and walk a complete different direction to talk to a person sitting in front of me.

I had been going weekly to talk with a pastor friend of mine about my life, and where I am in God's world and in his plan for my life. I haven't been there to talk to him in about five weeks. I have wanted to call him to see if I there was a time that I could come and talk with him...but I just haven't been able to do it. I don't know what I am afraid of...but I am afraid.

My Bible sits on my head board but I haven't even opened it... haven't read one word. I usually watch Joel Osteen on Sunday nights... I haven't even looked for him on the television. I haven't listened to KLOVE... www.klove.com and I love that radio station.

What is going on with me??? Why does it seem to me that my path is once again so very very far from God???

I don't know.... I don't understand.... my heart is hurting and my head is so confused.

God... if you hear this... please... help me.

Mixed up brain and jumbled thoughts...

It's been a little over a week since I last blogged.... my brain is in a mixed state and not a fun state to be in...

I've been thinking and contemplating which way to go and what is the meaning of my existance.

I haven't seen much of God's world lately as even when I have been able to leave the house I can't remember the scenery.

Tonight when I pulled into the driveway after going to eat dinner with my dad (his birthday dinner) we noticed a rather large...NO... HUGE group of blackbirds flying to the big trees near our house.... At first I thought they were the annoying starlings that attack our neighborhood every year.... but NO....these were HUGE BLACK CROWS!!! I found them to be very unsettling and actually scary. They sat in the trees and watched us walk a few feet into the house... a few seconds later we looked out and the crows were gone.... what is the meaning in that?? There has to be some meaning!!!

I know God is everywhere....but so are evil demons... I can only pray that I am stronger with God and that he won't let me down.

Dear God... thank you for allowing me to make it outside today and to enjoy my time with my dad. Amen.

Anxiety and Fear are making me sick

The last few weeks have been terribly hard on me. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick to my stomach, my heart races, and I just want to crawl into a dark corner under some heavy blankets.

Just thinking of leaving the house and I start sweating, shaking, my head starts hurting and with in minutes I have a full blown migraine... not to mention my stomach starts flip-flopping around.

I really haven't left my room for more than the basic necessities...If I had a bathroom, fridge, and microwave in here I wouldn't leave. I just don't want to...it really does freak me out and is a scary, scary feeling.

I signed up to take a class that a pastor friend of mine is presenting... it started four weeks ago and I've managed to go once. :( It really hurt to sit there...not to mention the drive up and back in the dark seemed to take forever. I really wanted to do this but each time as the day approaches... I physically get sick.

I guess I will have to try to take this course the next time around....

Thus is the life of someone who has severe anxiety.... I know I am letting people down because I can't do what I really want to as most things involve leaving the house. It's hard... many don't understand.... I DON'T UNDERSTAND!