I have been really bad well...negligent in my journey to grow in faith.... It's not that I don't care because I do. I love learning about the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit!!

I have been trying to read a book titled -- The Shack. I've made it about half way through and have found it so very interesting and such a learning experience. Problem is... I haven't been able to finish reading it. Every time I pick it up... I hear in my heart... "close the book, put it back on the shelf, you aren't ready to finish reading it right now."

I haven't been to church in months... I went one time in the last eight months. It was an odd experience. I felt as though I had a scarlet letter on my chest. I saw people who in the past would come up to me, hug me, ask me how I was doing.... just look at me, turn their heads and walk a complete different direction to talk to a person sitting in front of me.

I had been going weekly to talk with a pastor friend of mine about my life, and where I am in God's world and in his plan for my life. I haven't been there to talk to him in about five weeks. I have wanted to call him to see if I there was a time that I could come and talk with him...but I just haven't been able to do it. I don't know what I am afraid of...but I am afraid.

My Bible sits on my head board but I haven't even opened it... haven't read one word. I usually watch Joel Osteen on Sunday nights... I haven't even looked for him on the television. I haven't listened to KLOVE... www.klove.com and I love that radio station.

What is going on with me??? Why does it seem to me that my path is once again so very very far from God???

I don't know.... I don't understand.... my heart is hurting and my head is so confused.

God... if you hear this... please... help me.