Comments

If you are reading this and want to make a comment or just say something to me...

Please feel free... even anonymous comments are welcome.

I don't always post comments...but I do read them and I appreciate hearing from people.

I miss..

I miss...

• the phone calls out of the blue.
• the calls after you've seen me pass by.
• the texts that just say hi.
• the emails that let me know I've crossed your mind.
• the phone call, text, or email with a song title that says it made you think of me.
• the occasional let's meet for lunch or ice cream.
• your smile.
• the touch of your hand.
• your hugs.
• the sound of your voice.
• all in all.... I miss you! (you know who you are.)

Pain + cost = tears and fears.

Tears rolling down my face....

It is so hard for me to see others so happy because their dreams are coming true...
I should be happy for them and somewhere I am...
But deep inside... It hurts... it hurts so much.

I fight as hard as I can.
I have fought for so long.

It all comes down to...
No matter what I do, Nothing is going to change.

Pain is my constant companion... but it is not my friend!

Physically---Hell... doesn't even begin to describe. Cold burning, stabbing, spasms, cramping, deep bone aching, are just a few things that are part of my pain. The list is long, scarey, and extremely painful.

Mentally---I can not truly begin to describe the pain that I hold inside.

I arise each day knowing, that I do not want to be alive for one more day.
I do not want to be here.
I do not want to be anywhere.

The cost of continuing, unrelenting pain is...
Lost employment, lost family, lost friends, and lost faith.

The cost is so very high... it can never be paid as the amount continues to rise each and every day.

I do understand... but it hurts.

Even though you turned your back...
You turned and walked away..
That I think of you often...
Sometimes several times each day.

I understand why you did what you did...
BUT that doesn't make it easy for me to stop
caring for you... to stop loving you.
That's something that I find I can not do.

I know I'm not someone you want to be around...
I'm not someone you want to be around your family and children.
I get this too.

I know my life is too much for you to handle...
I understand you are not "equipped" to help me.
Please know that I am not asking NOR wanting you to..

I've done my best to separate myself.. to respect your request, words, and wishes.

It hasn't been easy... because deep inside... I MISS MY FRIEND.

Obvious

To state the obvious, I'm awake.

Another day of wasted life and wasted breath.

Why does a person have to live when there is nothing to live for?

I know I made a promise and for years I have been keeping it.

It is the hardest promise I have ever made.

I wonder now, why did I make this kind of promise, for as hard as I try, I am just not sure I can keep it.

I don't want to hurt anyone or have anyone worry because of or about me.

I just don't want to be alive.... I am wasting space.

Exhausted.

Sitting here this afternoon... wondering.

Wondering... Why did I wake?

I have nothing to do.
There is nothing I want to do.

No where to go.
No where I want to go.

No one to talk with.
No one who wants to talk with me.

I am so tired.
Not so much the sleepy kind of tired.
I am mentally and emotionally exhausted.

Please, just let me sleep.... never to awaken.

Stay alive... Why?

Why must I stay alive when I have nothing to live for...

I don't want to live. I don't want to be alive.

I have no hope of a promising tomorrow.

I have no dreams for the future.
I have never had a dream for my life.

When I was little... I had no dream of what I wanted to be. Never said when I grow up I want to be....

I always thought that I would be dead by the time I was 30. That came and went with no eventful or meaningful things happening with my life.

Then I thought I wouldn't live past 40.... that too has passed.

I sit here today... never married... no children....

Nothing to live for..............

Scared & Alone

I am so scared...

I can only sit and cry.

Do I want to live? No.
Do I want to die? I don't want to live this way... so, Yes.

I have no hope that I will ever feel any better than I do today.

Today, I feel like the stuff that is lower than the pits of hell.

I have nothing to offer... anyone, anything. Just nothing.

I would like to think that you are my friend...
BUT... I know too, that I can not call when I need a friendly voice, a hug, or just someone to sit and be silent with me.

I have no one, just me... and I don't like me... even my shadow won't stay with me.