Calendar

The calendar on my wall is still on June.... I haven't been able to change the page. Well, physically I can but emotionally I just can't.

So much in my life right now is dependant on dates.... I didn't want to see July as my anxiety with each passing day up to the 10th was growing higher and higher. July just seems to linger... and my anxiety continues to grow.

Now I can not change the page because I'm not looking forward to the first week of August... I just can't.... I hope those days come and go... I know I'm not going to be able to handle them too well.

Then comes September... another month that the thought of those days passing cause my anxiety to bounce off the stratosphere....

Makes me wonder if I will be able to change it by October.... probably not as a day that month usually gets completely forgotten by those in my life.... I know I shouldn't expect much...but just to be remembered would make my day.

I don't know why I even have a calendar... One day rolls into another... time goes on but I am stuck.

I am looking for to one day but I don't even know when that will be... just waiting... and wondering....

Beyond Exhausted

So tired, I stayed up way to late testing my patience.

Waiting on a newborn is like watching molasses pour in the middle of winter.

Still no news... Anxious to see our new little boy! :)

I can't sleep but so badly want to.

I'm afraid I will finally fall asleep and my brother will call and I will once again head in his direction.

I feel as though I am peddling backwards lately.... going in circles., going nowhere and getting there fast.

Sigh....

Anger

I don't know what is going on...

Everything for the past couple of days has lit a raging fire within me.

Not a good fire but one that is full of anger.

Seems like everything I do or say is wrong... maybe not to others but deep within myself.

If my frustration or anger got directed toward you... please forgive me.

I've been trying to hold all of this in but I know it is bound to come spouting out at times and towards the people I care about most.

I went from frustrated to out right anger.... something flipped that switch...

It's only Tuesday... is this what the rest of my week is going to be like???

Well... gotta go... have to get up early... oh joy.

Frustrated...

I just finished reading a neurology based message board.

I had to quit reading sooner than I had planned....

The more I read... The more FRUSTRATED I got.

If one more person tells me that GOD WILL HEAL ME... they had better not be within arms reach. I am so tired of hearing this.... I want to scream!!!

If God were going to heal me from everything that is going on... I believe it would have happened by now... it's been over 5 years... I just talked with a person who has had this monster over 20 years...

I've seen others healed from their illnesses and injuries... Was it Gods work? Was it a miracle? Was it just plain old healing with time.

Many illnesses and injuries heal with time. Some never heal. Some are NEVER meant to heal.

I've felt healing in me for a very brief few moments... I experienced a short time of NO physical pain...but it all came back and with a vengence...

I am a Christian.... I read THE book... I pray... I do not go to church as I feel I am not supposed to be there...

I find prayers for myself go unanswered... I guess that's the way it is supposed to be. (I've all but given up on praying for myself.)

I pray daily for family and friends... and often for people I don't even know... sometimes it's a friend or family of a friend or even just someone they know. Sometimes I pray for people I see on tv... or read about on web sites.

I know He hears... I believe that He handles things in order of importance.

As for me... He will get to me when and if....

Ever have...

Ever have one of those days...

Where nothing goes right?

Where everything you touch breaks?

Where everything you say is taken wrong?

Where you wake up more tired than before you went to sleep?

Where you feel like a stranger in your own skin?

Reaching out...

Today has been a hard day....

It is hard for me to admit to those I care about that something is wrong with me.

It is hard for me to admit that I need help with something.

It is hard for me to reach out and ask.

Today, I have done just this... it wasn't easy and the lump in my throat became a boulder.

I honestly admitted that though I wasn't sure what was going on I knew something is not right.

I honestly admitted that I needed help from a professional.

I swallowed hard an made a couple of phone calls. Talked with my therapist just to let her know that I am not doing well. I have an appointment with her for later this week. I also talked with my Pastor friend's wife and made an appointment to talk with my Pastor friend on the same day as my therapists.

I am so afraid of my thoughts and afraid that my actions may follow my thoughts.

It's a scary life... living with constant unrelenting pain of all possible kinds takes every ounce of strength I can possibly muster up to just breathe most time... one breath at a time.

It's dark outside and inside too.

Looking out my window for a while tonight...

Not much to see.. a security light, the flashing light from a cell antenna...

Mostly darkness... my friend--my foe.

The night is filled with a void, an emptiness.

My heart feels much the same...

I'm tired... I am hanging on by my finger tips.. ever growing weaker.

I'm lost... too many thoughts that make little sense bouncing around.

I can't sort through the thoughts... they are way to heavy for me to want to mess with.

I don't care about much anymore... My deepest fear is coming true...

It's dark, I'm tired, I'm alone with no where to go...No one to see if I had a place to go...

No hope, no desires, no dreams, no goals... <----too afraid to have these anymore...to painful.

The best I can do many days is to just get some rest... sleep is hard... too painful to relax, a mind that won't shut off, a heart that has a hard time beating.

Medicines help to take an edge off the pain... the physical, the mental, and the emotional...but not much...

If I do get some sleep, I wake in a panic and never feel rested. I find myself often waking in a room that is not my own and not where I fell asleep.

It's dark outside and inside too...

I wonder...

I wonder at how much I hate leaving the house, how panicky and sick I feel...

I wonder that I can find a million reasons to stay in my room, in the dark.

I wonder at how I often get physically sick when I know I have to step outside.

I wonder if I will ever get a full nights rest...

I wonder at how alone I feel... even when there are others around.

I wonder at my nightly tears and how they have spread to the day time.

I wonder if anyone knows how frightened I get when I am alone at home.

I wonder if anyone knows how frightened I get when I am surrounded by many...

I wonder if anyone knows how panicky I feel when I have to go in stores, offices, and even when driving...

I wonder how much more pain I can take...

I wonder when I will have an answer...

I wonder if I will ever get things fixed on my car...

I wonder if I can talk someone into fixing it for me when...

I wonder if my friends know that I really do care about them...

I wonder if they know how often they cross my heart...

I wonder...

Empty Shell...

I feel like an empty shell of the person I used to be.

I loved hearing and sharing the word of our Lord... but now those words elude me.

I can no longer feel His embrace.

I can no longer hear Him talking to my heart.

I feel no direction or comfort any more.

Has He walked away?

Have I taken the wrong path?

I'm lost in more ways than one...

This empty shell is beginning to crack and what remains is seeping out and disappearing.

I can not find what it takes to fix these cracks...

I try to read His word but it makes no sense to me.

I listen to others speaking of Him and I feel so out of touch.

I feel as though, once again, that I have no connection with Him...

I am lost and lonely in this empty shell.

Repeated thoughts...

Sitting here again with a heavy emptiness, tears rolling down my face.

I think of yesterday's gone by and the dreams that have slipped away.

I stopped dreaming and set aside my goals...

I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring...

My recent past... is a good predictor for tomorrow...

Living a life in constant pain is not living... it's existing.

I reach out... no one is there...

I scream... no one hears...

I turn around to look for a different path... the darkness surrounds...

I wish I could talk with you the way I used to...

I miss hearing your voice....

I listen... but no one is talking.

I feel so lost.... so alone...

A new day...

When I layed down last night I thought for some reason that the new day would bring a better outlook for me...

I guess I was searching for the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

I feel as lonely and gray as the cloudy sky.

My pain has found a new level of 10...

It's a combination of physical, mental, and emotional...

I can't keep doing this... no outlook for a brighter tomorrow.

No glimmer of light... the darkness grows.... hope continues to fade.

How much more??

How much more can I take???

How am I going to get through this??

Is it possible??

I don't believe I can take this pain much more...

I don't believe I can handle another rejection...

My brain is so mixed up tonight...just like every other night.

My heart is hurting so much...it feels so very empty.

The pain of RSD is HELL....

The emotional & mental challenges I face everyday are beginning to be so very overwhelming.

I don't know what to do.... It's a war and I can't even win a battle....

How much more???

The darkness surrounds.

Maybe tomorrow...???

I have some things I need to do today...

I just can't bring myself to go...

I was able to look out the window for a few moments. All that did was make me very nervous.

I don't want to go... I wonder if I can postpone what it is I need to do.

It is going to have to wait... I have no energy.

I am hurting...

I am going back to bed.

If you are someone that I was supposed to get together with... I'm sorry... I just can't. Maybe tomorrow. :(

Hello, Are you there??

Hello,

Are you there??

It has been a long time since I last heard your voice.

I miss our little talks.

I miss your words of wisdom and the comfort that my heart felt.

It's a lonely world out here... especially when I'm all alone.

I miss...

I really, really hate the words---I Can't!!!

Lately my I can'ts are out numbering my I cans...

I was just talking with someone about running... oh how I miss this...

I can barely now walk to the bathroom on many occassions.

I miss being able to walk around the block...

I miss chasing after my nieces and nephews...

I miss jumping on my bicycle and going which ever way the wind was blowing...

I miss being able to practice martial arts...

I miss my early morning runs and my late night walks...

I miss going swimming... The water is just way to cold...too painful for me to enjoy.

I miss sitting in a hot tub... way to hot...too painful.

I put these down as I miss...but they are really... I can'ts....

Tears are rolling down my face...

Here I go again...

It's not quite 2:00am and the tears are rolling down my face...

Why am I crying???

I cry because so much as changed.

I cry because there is nothing I can really do about it...

Sometimes I have no idea why I am crying... well, deep down...I guess I really do know.

I hate this... I hate the way I feel... I hate that everyday my pain is increasing...

I wish I knew what my future holds... more of this?? less of that??? Most likely so.

There is no cure for what I have... only medicines that take off the edge.

Some day, Some how, Some where... Something has to give...

Even the biggest of brick walls fall apart some time....

Yet, I keep adding bricks around my heart.

I Am...

I am a Daughter...

I am a Sister...

I am an Aunt...

I am a Friend...

I am Fearful...

I am Doubtful...

I am Hurting...

I am Scared...

I am Worthless...

I am Lonely...

I am Sad...

I am Crying...

I am Tired...

I am Useless...

I am Trying...

I am Holding On...

I am Confused...

I am Hopeless...

I am _____________?

I just didn't get it...

I sat with my head down, hair in front of my face, tears rolling from my eyes, trying not to break down and sob.

I was hearing how my life has changed...as viewed by my friend.

I was hearing how sad it made others in my life that knew me before...

Hearing now that they are hurting because I am not able to do the things they believe and know I loved to do.

I was hearing, how much my wanting out, to end my life...was and is hurting my friends both old and new.

After... I was told that they have been telling me things for a long time...

I was listening...but... I JUST DIDN'T GET IT.

Parts of it I had heard in the past but just brushed it away...

How can my life affect someone else's?

How can my decisions about my life affect someone else's life??

I heard... I just wasn't listening... I just didn't get it.

I still don't fully get it...but I am beginning to understand as I saw the pain in the eyes of those who were talking to me.

For the first time... I saw, I heard, I was listening to each word...

I was reminded of a promise... I am holding on to this promise while I fight the fight of my life...for my life.

How do I say I'm sorry??
How do I make amends??

I feel really sad right now, as I truly know that I have caused others to hurt.... I won't name any names but those of you who read here... you know who you are... I never meant to hurt you, I didn't know, even though I'm sure I was told... I just didn't get it.

I am blessed to have you in my life... I am blessed to know you care.

I wish I could find the words to let you know.... I Love You ALL so very much... my life is very blessed from knowing all of you and having you in my life.

Since I have trouble finding the words... I can only hope, that I can show somehow, how much you mean to me.

It's not over, until it's over.

For now...

All is said and done...

I woke up this morning to the song, I Saw God Today... I couldn't help but to think----was this a coincidence???

I was told there are no coincidences....

Teleconference meeting that may (or may not) change my life for the better....

It was a mess from the beginning... no record of this, no copies of that...sigh.

Pain increased through out it all, my hips, knees, ankles, and feet were hurting so bad!!!!!!

I nearly fell down at one point and did black out before making it to the car..

Finally while waiting for lunch I was able to take my medicine and relax a little.

I just wish the pain would go down... it feels like my pain is on an escalator that keeps going up, up, up and there is no end.

I will just have to "try" to remain calm, remember to breathe, and pray for compassion and understanding.

Not long to go...

Less than 24 hours and my whole life could be changed again...

It took seconds to put me in the position I am in.... I pray for strength and courage.

A portion of my life is not in my control... I pray for understanding, compassion, and positive outcome.

My pain on all levels is very high....

My emotions are very low....

My heart is aching, muddled with fear of the unknown.

If compassion, understanding have a positive outcome... my heart, mind, body, and soul will have a chance for relief...

If the outcome is negative... well, I truly don't see any other way... will it be quick?? will it be final??? Has to be better than I feel today.

Tears roll, heart aches, fear of the unknown has fanned the fire.... my body the fuel.

A little sleep is better than none??

Ii fell asleep sometime after 5:00am and woke up a little after 7:00am.

I wish this sleep had been restful...

Did you know that at 10:11am/pm.... it will be 7/8/9 10:11am/pm.

I sit here... well actually I am laying back with laptop resting on two spots on my legs...still hurts but this is the best to look at things right now.

My eyes are so foggy I can barely see.... I'm hoping what I am typing makes sense.

I will probably go back to sleep here in a few minutes or so... well... at least I am going to try.

Everything is inflammed right now.... A LOT.

Good morning and good night....

I think I'm supposed to sleep sometime

Well... here it is 1:00am. I'm awake but not wide awake.

I can't sleep my thoughts are bouncing around.

I really don't want to sleep... I know I'm only going to wake up in a little while anyway...so, why bother. I move the slightest of movements...pain increases...wakes me and the circle continues.

I breathe but can not catch my breath...

Tears once again flow down my cheeks... every night for the last several weeks... somewhere between 10:00pm and 2:00am the flood gates open.

I wish the tears would wash away the pain... that's what tears are for...right?

This pain I carry is not by choice... it was given to me to bare... it's not one I take lightly and I look for the meaning... I can't find any...

I find myself asking... I wonder how much more I can bare... I try not to say that out loud as I have found that when I do....Seems more and more is added. Sometimes all I have to do is think it...and more gets added.

Am I being tested?? If so... Is it multiple choice or essay??? Probably both....

So much I don't understand... maybe it's not meant for me to know...

The lump I have in my throat just doesn't go away... I've tried to swallow it... I've tried to spit it out... it remains and continues to grow.... it adds another kind of pain.

This is no kind of life to live.... if this is living... I want out!!!!

Heart and Head...

My heart and head are screaming.... though screaming different thoughts.

HOW MUCH MORE AM I GOING TO HAVE TO ENDURE....(From my head).

I have never been a person who completes everything they start in a timely fashion...I am a procrastinator...

I have never been a quitter but I AM RUNNING OUT OF FIGHT....(From my heart).

I don't know if I can take much more... I am tired of hurting....

This War is a long one... and I have yet to win a battle!!!!!

My body, mind, spirit, and soul.... are wearing thin and dying out.

My reality... Tomorrow most likely will not be as good as today.... and today is worse than yesterday.

Sad Anniversary....

Five years ago today....

I would NEVER have thought that I would be where I am today.

So many dreams dashed.

Goals for life are gone.

Not much of a future to look forward to....it's a very dark place to look into.

In mere seconds --- a life changed forever.

One Part At A Time

Today I want to start to describe as best I can how RSD and Mental anquish are making my body feel... one part at a time.

My fingers are so very tender, movement feels as though muscles, tendon, and ligaments are being forced to move.

I can straighten my fingers for a very small amount of time with excruciating pain.... almost immediately my hands curl back to where they were and then tighter yet.

Just to type this little note my fingers are in full protest...

Millions, Billions, Trillions of needles stabbing every part of my fingers... starting at the pads of my fingers and zipping up my fingers to my hands.

The palm side of my hands are multi-colored.... red, pink, and white splotches...

To me my palms appear and feel swollen.

I don't know what my grip will be like today.... I have yet to test them.

I sit here and cry....

IT -- Elephant in the room

"IT" is a constant companion that fills my mind with how, where, and when...

"IT" is the Elephant in my room, is the largest thing that follows me everywhere.

I tried once and for a long time to make friends with "IT" in hopes that 'IT" would ease up and hopefully go away.

I now know that unless something drastically changes... that my reality is that "IT" is most likely to win.

I try to dodge out of "ITs" way.

I have grown too tired and too weary.

I can't really call what I do each day, living... because I don't feel alive.

I breathe in, I breathe out, my heart is still beating... but I am not alive... I am existing.

I want to fall asleep and never wake.

I am tired of causing worry to those around me...

I'm tired of hurting.... I'm tired of being a burden.... I am tired of taking up space that I know someone out there deserves much more than I....

I'm tired of having to ask for help just to take a shower...

I'm tired of being so scared to leave my room....

I'm tired of my physical pain getting worse every hour of every day.

I have been fighting a battle that I know I can't win....

RSD = Intense physical pain that has NO CURE.

BiPolar = a very mixed up mind that bounces from incredible highs to the deepest pits of the earth....for me these mostly happen at the sametime.

Depression = me wanting to find the end.

Anxiety = mental thoughts with nerves way out of my control.

Panic = wanting to run away to never be found.

PTSD = Intense memories of TERRIBLE things that I don't want to dig up and I don't ever want to think of again.

Nothing is changing... except for the worse

It's another day of anxiety...

All I want to do is sleep and hope all of this passes while I am out...

Reality moment----it's not going to go away no matter how much I sleep.

My body is hurting so much that my legs feel like jello....wobbly and wanting to give out.

My fingers hurt just to type with the lightest of touches....

My brain is like a spider web... going in a million directions.

My emotions are fear, loneliness, emptiness, and worthlessness.

As much as I am trying to hold on.... is greatly over-shadowed by the fact that I am quickly losing my grip.

Run away and hide :(

I want to run away and hide...

Find a corner and disappear...

I really do not want to be here...

I really do not want to be anywhere...

"IT" is my constant companion...

I am shaking all over...

Tears fill my eyes... for many hours each day tear drops fall...

My stomach is in a never ending down hill roll...

My hopes and dreams have faded... poof disappeared they're gone.

My faith has once again dwindled down so much that I can no longer see any light.

I don't see any future for me... none. Good, Bad, Ugly, or Indifferent...I see nothing.

My body is wrecked with pain...

My mind is a jumbled up mess...

My emotions are deep down in a hole and still digging...

My heart it hurts but not for me... I don't want anyone to hurt because of me...

The temptation of "IT" only grows stronger by the second...

I search but can not find any other way....

I don't want to live "This" way... because "This" is really not living.

I find it harder and harder to leave my room... mostly out of physical pain...

I really have NOTHING to offer this world... I am taking up space and breathing air that could be better used by someone else.

My hips are hurting beyond description... I feel that if I move at least one of them is going to lock up and send me once again to the floor.

My thighs, knees, calf's, ankles, and feet feel as though I am standing in the middle Hell... My clothes rubbing on my skin is like someone fanning the flames.

My torso hurts so much that my clothes feel as rough as sandpaper... the 40 grit size.

My fingers, wrists, and elbows keep locking.... I have to force them many times to move.

My feet and hands often are curled... the tendons and muscles pull them tight.

Today I went to pick up a glass that was about half full... in the time it takes to blink an eye...my glass was hitting the floor... I didn't even feel it slip. My grip is often minimal at best.

Right now my throat and mouth are on fire.... A few days ago I was told I was slurring my words... the day before that words that I wanted to say were no where to be found... My train of thought fell off the track.

I'm tired but can get no rest. I sleep a little but wake up more tired than before I layed down.

I spend about 22 to 23 hours a day in bed.... everything hurts... even my hair.

I want to runaway and hide...but I know all of this will follow.

Just another day...

It's just another day here... can hear an occassional POP or whistle.

It has been raining off and on all day... don't know if the festivities for our town have been canceled or if they are still at go..... my guess... it's still on.

I haven't heard from a single soul today... that's ok... I've been ready for bed since 4:30pm... I knew I wouldn't be invited to any ones' plans. It's cool.... hurts a little but oh well.

I hope to fall asleep here soon... can't take the fireworks... it increases my anxiety and hurts my body.

This upcoming week... is going to be VERY, VERY, VERY HARD for me to get through... I DON'T WANT to deal with any of this... NOT ONE SINGLE THING.

I don't know what to expect....but I have always hoped for the best...but really prepared for the worst. I can't get my hopes up... cause I know I WON'T BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT IF IT'S BAD NEWS!!!!!

Well... I'm off to take meds that will hopefully knock me out soon....

Sigh...............