I think I'm supposed to sleep sometime

Well... here it is 1:00am. I'm awake but not wide awake.

I can't sleep my thoughts are bouncing around.

I really don't want to sleep... I know I'm only going to wake up in a little while anyway...so, why bother. I move the slightest of movements...pain increases...wakes me and the circle continues.

I breathe but can not catch my breath...

Tears once again flow down my cheeks... every night for the last several weeks... somewhere between 10:00pm and 2:00am the flood gates open.

I wish the tears would wash away the pain... that's what tears are for...right?

This pain I carry is not by choice... it was given to me to bare... it's not one I take lightly and I look for the meaning... I can't find any...

I find myself asking... I wonder how much more I can bare... I try not to say that out loud as I have found that when I do....Seems more and more is added. Sometimes all I have to do is think it...and more gets added.

Am I being tested?? If so... Is it multiple choice or essay??? Probably both....

So much I don't understand... maybe it's not meant for me to know...

The lump I have in my throat just doesn't go away... I've tried to swallow it... I've tried to spit it out... it remains and continues to grow.... it adds another kind of pain.

This is no kind of life to live.... if this is living... I want out!!!!