Scattered thoughts...

So much going on in my brain right now... if this sounds like a bunch of random thoughts being thrown out and they don't make sense.... well it is and it doesn't make much sense to me either.

The knife in my back.... well, it's still there, being dug in deeper and still being twisted. Sigh...
I don't know what to do...

I've been away trying to relax, clear my mind, and figure out the future.
I didn't accomplish any of these... not a one.

I am still on the cliff, each day feels as though I am leaning out further into the darkness, my toes are way over the edge... only my heals are on the ground. The voice inside my head keeps telling me to go ahead and jump... says "you know that is all there is left to do", tells me "you know that no one really cares anyway...", "no one will miss you...just do it!!!"

The voice grows louder by the second.

While I've been gone I have seen some beautiful sights... the waves kissing the light tan sandy shores... surfers waiting for the perfect ride. I've watched the sun come over the mountains and set over the waves.

I've seen the snow still in the mountains...

I've seen the many colors of this country... the browns and reds of the soil. The greens of the farm fields, Trees in the mountains and the saw grass of the valleys.

I've seen the blues, pinks, purples, and various shades of white and gray in the evening skys.

The most amazing thing I saw was the rainbow above the puffy white clouds. The rain below was falling hard but the top looked like cotton candy... the rainbow took my breath.

Each morning I woke to two little buddies waiting outside of my door... ready to play. They never judged me... never wanted to hurt me... unconditional love. I was sad when I had to leave... I could see they were sad too.

I had some wonderful talks... heart to heart... I miss this already.

My brain is getting more confused as I type... so much I want to get out... the thoughts are tripping over each other trying to get to my fingers... I'll try to get them out some other day.