Right now I feel as though something is about to happen to me and I don't mean in a good way. I feel as though someone has something they want to or need to tell me but they just can't or haven't.
Have you ever made plans to do something/go somewhere, weeks in advance to only at the last possible moment have the plans canceled??
This happens to me more than I care to say.... You would think I would get used to this but no. It still hurts. I try to protect my heart by not getting my hopes up.... but I still get hurt.
Right now my heart is kind of aching though I don't know why.... I do believe it is because I am waiting for the other shoe to fall.... It always falls. (I know "always" is a strong word...but for me in this kind of situation.... the shoe does always fall.)
I understand that I am not priority to anyone.... I understand about family and friends. I know things change, people change, plans change....
I just wish when change happens that I get notified as early as possible so that I can change my plans too and not be left in the cold or holding the bag.
Ok... so the above is possibly something my brain is telling me... I hate having Bipolar.... my brain bounces around all day from happy to sad... at the extremes most often..... My fears are sometimes irrational... I know.
Speaking of friends.... it is true that I don't have many....very few to be exact. I am afraid to make friends as they tend to leave. I tend to push people away to....but I am working on this. I am afraid to let people who have stepped back from me or walked away altogether back in my life....I'm afraid to open my heart again.... I know.... They probably feel the same way..... I don't want to hurt again.... and I definitely don't want to hurt anyone.
I wish I fit in somewhere.... It is a lonely world where I am....
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