Another day down...

Another day down...

BAD DAY... one of the worst ones yet... for many reasons that I can't quite express...many words elude me... they are caught up in the jumbled mess in my mind.

Physically... My pain level is 100+
Haven't slept since waking up on Tuesday...
Doc gave me a shot to help with my pain... it helped I think..but the pain came back MEGA BIG time. The injection site feels as though I was kicked by a mule or hit by a mack truck... and this pain is only minor in comparison to my whole body!!!

The cold temperatures are searingly painful even goosebumps are painful!!

Mentally/Emotionally... putting these two together today as I can't separate the pain they are both experiencing... Made a BIG mistake today by letting someone who I believed should know how I am doing...know what I am going through... how I am truly feeling. Come to find out... They didn't want to know... in their words---I'm not equipped to help you. I didn't tell them to get help from them...just wanted them to know...believed they would want to know... again...they didn't.

All of this is bouncing through my head like a freight train out of control... high speed, down hill, and the brakes are out.

Thoughts of how to end the pain... thoughts of wondering if I can keep treading water...thoughts of what's next...thoughts of not wanting to hurt others...thoughts of not wanting to be locked away (major fear for me)...trying to get my ducks in a row when they are scattered to the four-winds blown...

I know my limitations...try to push through them at times when I feel just a little stronger only to be pushed back...I'm not as strong as I once was... One step forward, Ten steps back, usually rolling downhill fast.

What to expect next... my mind only continues to speed out of control... at least I recognize this...well only because it was bluntly pointed out to me... lesson learned... trying not to repeat again mistakes of the past...

Dreams have become NIGHTMARES.... Nightmares are MY reality.