How?

How do you keep going when the wind has been knocked out of your sail?

How do you keep going when you keep getting knocked to the ground?

How do you find the will to keep living?

How do you win the war when you lose all of the battles?

Why would anyone want to live this way?

I'm okay with it if today is my last breath! I know where the pills are that could permanently take away this pain. I have enough patches that would do the same. I know where the razor's and knifes are... I could also tie a rope and hang. Thoughts of suicide are my constant companion!! I do know how and the plans are in my head.

What keeps me here when deep down my will to keep on going is gone? I don't want anyone to hurt because of me. That is the only reason!! I've already hurt too many, too much.

My physical pain rates about a 10 this is a constant pain. I have a severe burning sensation just from my clothes touching my skin.... Muscles cramping, bones hurt so bad they feel as though they could explode at any moment. It's hard to type this as a zillion nails and needles are jamming through my fingers.

I spend 99.9% of my life in bed. I don't go anywhere. I don't do anything. The pain is just too much.

I eat if something is easy like a cold sandwich or lunchable or if it is prepared for me. I don't cook as I can't handle the heat. I've burnt myself too many times....I am not allowed to cook as I forget that the stove or oven is on...family is afraid I will burn down the house.

I don't use glassware of any kind....I've broken too many glasses and dishes to count. My hands shake and give out for reason's not clear to me. This is why I am not allowed to wash any dishes or load the dishwasher...one to many breaks and one to many cuts.

Laundry is a task that takes hours to even days.... that is... if I can find any energy to get it done. I have piles that sit here...yes dirty but I don't care.

I can't vacuum as the vacuum is too heavy for me to move...also the vibrations increase my pain levels immensely!! It even hurts my body when someone else is running the vacuum...vibrations come through the floor and furniture... pain increases.

I'm not allowed to clean the windows as my balance is terrible and I'm shakey a lot of the time....family and friends are afraid I will fall through a window.

My legs give out too... I walk slow and deliberate holding on to walls. I'm tired of smacking my head, arms, shoulders, and other parts of my body into the walls and floor.

If I'm outside, walking into a store.... I walk slow trying to steady myself and then find the nearest power cart. This helps a little but the vibrations from the motor intensify my pain. I had a doctor ask me about a cane...I have tried but when my arms give out while using one....I fall to the floor once more.

If I have to go to the doctor or maybe to the store... I pay in increased pain for several days after.... imagine...the vibrations from your car's tires making you feel as though nails and needles are being shoved from your toes to the tip of your head. That's how I feel when I am driving or riding in a car...this is how I feel always...just varying degrees of pain at different times...

I have the burning, bone crushing, muscle cramping & spasms, needles and nails feeling 24/7 there are many things that magnify them... my own breath on my skin, a breeze blowing outside, this is even painful when it comes from the furnace or a fan, a gentle touch from family and friends. If I know someone is about to touch me I can prepare myself so that I don't jump out of my skin. It doesn't lessen the pain it actually increases it but I am prepared... as best as I can be that is.

I know that cold air hurts many... but to me it's torture, like a cold burning flame. Hot air is just the same... increased pain!!! I am most comfortable between 72 and 74 degrees. My skin turns various shades of pink, red, and purple. My legs have even looked like I had 2nd and 3rd degree burns from just the heat...no sunlight ever touched them.

I have trouble just taking care of myself... it's hard to admit and embarassing to say... bathing hurts, truly excruciating pain. So...I just don't. On the occassion that I do...I have to make sure someone is here to help me in and out of the tub.
I often do not get out of bed as I really see no need.... you see, getting out of bed means increased pain physically... and mentally I'm just burnt out, the life I once had is gone and I don't see any hope for tomorrow. This was not something I accepted lightly... but my reality is all to clear and reluctantly I am forced to accept the things that I can no longer or am no longer allowed to do.